Chick-Fil-A Hosting Monday Date Nights - Palm Beach & Martin Counties

Chick-Fil-A restaurants will be hosting Date Night Mondays during the month of August in Palm Beach and Martin Counties here in South Florida. I am thrilled about it because you get to take the "Couples Checkup" assessment tool for free! Check out the info at http://www.takethecheckup.com/.  I wanted to put some information together for couples wondering how this could benefit their relationship.

The date night is for any couple dating, engaged or married. Go into a Chick-Fil-A and buy a meal (typically $7 or less) - there will be a voucher code on the receipt which you will type into the website when prompted and take the check-up with your date for free (a $29.95 value)!

You can then print out your 20+ page report showing your relationship strengths and growth areas in over 10 categories. The Couple Check Up was created by Life Innovations company based on research with thousands of couples in the US and around the globe. The same company created the Prepare/Enrich assessment tool I currently use with couples. You can do the date nights without the free assessment however, you will gain more information about yourselves and what to talk about if you complete it.

The date nights are being hosted every Monday across all the restaurants in the two counties. When you go in on a Monday, you will receive a special "Date Night Menu" that will guide you and your date into a discussion on issues relating to your relationship. Here's the breakdown of the segments:

August 2nd - Love and Money
August 9th - Love Talk
August 16th - Love The Differences
August 23rd - Love Resolves
August 30th - Love Your Family

If you get stuck on one of the topics there will be volunteer Relationship/Marriage Coaches in each restaurant to help you along. My husband and I will be volunteering some of the nights here in Palm Beach County.

If you are an engaged couple you can use the free couple check-up tool and sign up for follow-up premarital counseling. The date nights are self-guided, the follow-up gives you practical tools, resources and material about the issues highlighted in your couples report.

Couples in town (Palm Beach, Broward, Martin) can sign up with me and I will give you the exact workbook that compliments your couple's report.

Happy Monday Date Nights at a Chick-Fil-A near you! Keep checking the date night site at http://www.takethecheckup.com/ for updates.

Scheduling Sex For Spontaneous Couples

I presented a workshop on Sexual Intimacy to wonderful group of church couples in Fort Lauderdale back in April and their reaction on scheduling sex was my initial reaction when I first heard about it! The words 'schedule' and 'sex' don't belong together to us spontaneous types. I was skeptical after hearing a family counselor present on it but I've come to believe the merits.  Many married couples are too busy juggling life, work, kids and extra-curricular activities to bond in the bedroom at the end of the day.

The argument against scheduling the 'do' is that it decreases the fun factor and makes it an obligation. This article "Many Couples Plan Ahead To Get It On" by ABC News features a discussion on that. I usually ask couples how often they were bonding sexually without any conscious scheduling. The response is universally "we do it when we do it" - in other words they often experienced infrequent sex which is okay if both partners are in agreement. Researchers state a marriage experiencing only 10 encounters in a year is a sex-starved marriage. If this is your case, talk to a local licensed therapist or check out http://www.smartmarriages.com/ for helpful resources.

Most couples struggle with the old age 'lack of time' problem, we should just be honest and say we haven't made the bedroom life a priority. We let everything else take first place in the marriage but relegate the important portion of sexual bonding to the back burner. I love what Michele Wiener Davis (a couple's therapist) tells couples - "Think of Nike and Just Do It"!

If your relationship is close to this category here are a few of my favorite resources/books on the topic.

Simply Romantic Nights (Vol 1) Kit: Igniting Passion in Your Marriage (Volume 1) - By Family Life

Crazy Good Sex: Putting to Bed the Myths Men Have about Sex by Les Parrott III

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis

A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God's Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Doug Rosenau

http://www.themarriagebed.com/ is a helpful site for faith-based couples       

I will post a follow-up on this one since I have to go into session in a few minutes.

When Close Girl Friends Relocate

My closest friend in town is relocating out of the country with her family and I'm surprised at just how sad I'm beginning to feel. The last time I felt this sense of loss was when my best friend/maid of honor relocated out of the country 9 years ago. 

Girls night out here in Florida this past January.

I had great girl friends in Dallas but relocating here meant losing face-to-face communication. I was yearning for a new sister-soul friendship. A friend who feels like your blood sister - you love them dearly, disagree hard when necessary but you almost can't live without them.  Part of it might be that I was the only girl growing up with brothers, my mother was incredible but I missed having a sister.

My new friendship here in Florida grew over the years and we started doing lunches at least once a month to chat about ourselves, God, marriage, motherhood, ministry, work and families in Kenya. I think the real reason I'm sad is the prospect of searching the town for another similar honest & meaningful friendship. I'm beginning to pray - not for a replacement but that I will be that friend to someone else.

Research shows that we women live longer because of our ability to emotionally connect and build a support group. On the other side, married men live longer than single men but pass away sooner if the wife dies because he has a hard time connecting emotionally to others. Lesson - cultivate healthy meaningful friendships!

I learned a couple of years back that husbands don't frankly have the stomach to sit through some of the gab we share with girl friends. It still bothers me when wives describe their husbands as their best friends - I know what they technically mean but I hope they are not trying to make a woman out of the husband. You get the drift - so here I am sitting, typing and praying that I will recognize when an old friend, a current acquintance or new friend becomes the next sister-soul honest meaningful friendship.

Mr. Good Enough and Interracial Dating

I came across Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough" while browsing at a local bookstore. I first read the page where she describes the impact of feminism on her  dating life and women in their 30's & 40's. It was hilarious, eye opening and realistic but boy did she stir a hornet's nest! Tons of letters poured in angry at her phrase "settling for Mr. Good Enough."

Unless you've read the book - don't knock it just yet. She is funny and has some great points like don't blow off a guy because he didn't fit all your top ten criteria. Don't ignore a man who is not on the career field you 'require' - he could turn out to be your Mr. Right. Her definition of "Mr. Good Enough" is a man who meets most of your criteria but not all of it. She sites examples of friends who ended up happily married despite having 'settled' for their Mr. Good Enough. Gottlieb regrets blowing off guys in her 20's who she thought were beneath her but now in her 40's thinks they would have been a great catch!




In the book "Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out" Karyn Langhorne Folan tackles the sensitive topic of black women and interracial dating. She reminds them to expand their dating options. For the full online article check out Washington Post. She describes the loyalty and guilt black women carry over the thought of dating outside the community. My take on it that you never know who God intended you marry until you take a step of faith and say yes to a coffee date. I dated outside my race prior to meeting my husband and though I did not get married to the guy, it was an enriching experience.

I got to know my husband when we did a US music tour with a Christian ministry band. He didn't fit all my list requirements because some were unrealistict! My only non-negotiable one was that he had to be a practicing Christian because I was involved in ministry. Other items on my list included being of the same tribe to avoid possible inter-tribal drama. I bet you didn't know that existed! God must have laughed when He heard my plans - I did not bring home a Kamba man - he was a Luo. We are celebrating 10 years of marriage this year and the blessing of our two sons. I'm so glad I didn't let expectations to marry within the tribe block me from a happy marriage.

Please note cultural differences can pull a couple apart if you are not prepared or realistic with your expectations. When you find your 'one' do attend some type of premarital counseling before your wedding. Your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Imam, Counselor or a trusted married couple would be a great place to start.   If you are looking for resources on how to have a happy marriage when you come from two different cultures email me at info@earlyfamilyyears.org and I'll email back some resources.

What's your story?

Baby Interruptus - Marriage After Babies

The birth of our first son launched my efforts to help young couples thrive in their first years of marriage. We now have two preschooler boys so the craziness of being a first time parent is waning but boy was it a ride! In between night feedings, mystery burps, checking the color of the baby's rear end 'product' and sleep time drama - romance and sex took a beating!

If women are honest, we resent men for not needing to recover from child birth. They are unaware of new hormonal changes that make us crave or hate them! We crave their hugs but resent that wondering hand suggesting more. I'm reading the book 'Baby Proofing Your Marriage' and these ladies were reading my mind! Its the most realistic book I've read on how couples act once they become parents.




Babies are the sweetest creatures on the planet, but they don't encourage romance! 'Baby interruptus' occurs when you are finally getting your groove on and your sleeping baby starts wailing! No 'happy ending' for either of you and that makes one cranky morning! Don't give up just yet, there is hope around the corner.

With a little humor and planning, you'll discover golden moments when the baby sleeps and you can finally spend some quality time together. Keeping a sense of humor is the greatest asset during your baby's first year. Learn to schedule your romance because spontaneity clashes with baby's little plans.

We also learnt, you MUST go on a date within a couple of weeks after baby's birth or adoption. Get a trusted friend, relative or a church "parents night out" to watch the baby. You need the sanity of stepping away for a moment and remembering you are a person with grown up needs craving grown up attention.

A sanity saving idea is to drop unrealistic expectations and welcome the word 'flexibility' to your home. If you are a nursing mom and constantly worried if the little one will take the bottle from someone else, get creative.  Plan to go on a date after the baby's bed time - you will avoid needing the sitter to feed him/her. A date night might also consist of feeding and bringing baby along on the date so she/he can sleep as you chat over your meal. There's no wrong or right way,  find out what works for you and your spouse and take care of your romantic lives!

Spending time away from the baby will greatly impact how you feel about romance in your marriage. Most husbands want to care for the baby but we cling to the duties like a badge of honor! Communication is the greatest asset you will have during the baby's first year - express what you need in clear specific terms. Your partner cannot read your mind! How have you dealt with your romantic life after giving birth?

Achieving Your 2010 Goals With The Change Model

Happy New 2010 and the start of a new decade! I checked the Merriam-Webster dictionary online and decided goals and resolutions should co-exist. It defines 'resolution' as 'a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent', it also describes it as 'the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones'. 'Goal' is defined as 'an end toward which effort is directed'. I am a goal setter and I work hard to achieve them throughout the year. If you are setting new goals or forwarding last year's goals to 2010, you need a game plan to achieve them.

Goals should be achievable and measurable in order to succeed. Write them down! Preferrably in a journal book that you keep in your home dresser or work desk so you can keep up with your progress. Break them into bits with months to measure your progress.

My favorite goals model is outlined in the Prepare/Enrich classes I teach engaged couples. 

The CHANGE model - achieving your goals 

C - Commit yourself to a specific goal.
My examples: Couples: Spending more time together away from the kids, Individuals: Spend more time with family or friends.

H - Habits ... break old and start new ones
Couples: Instead of slouching on the couch with a remote control, turn on some fun music, grab your spouse and ask them to dance with you, let the kids run around cleaning up to the beat of the music. Individuals: instead of ignoring your mother's call for the fifth time, send her a text message telling her you are okay and will call back soon - and do call back!

A - Action ... take one step at a time

Couples: Ask your parent friends to babysit or hire a babysitter from a local church, a teenager in the neighborhood, or call your local childcare resource. Individuals: Call your family/friends once a week and say you are checking in on them. Send a card or a text message to say you are thinking of them if you are pressed for time.

N - Never give up

Couples: If no one's available to babysit, don't give up. Plan a romantic in-home dinner when the baby/kids sleep, a scented candle, simple meal, low lights and smooth jazz will set in the mood as you wait for another time. Individuals: If you didn't communicate this week, try the next week - if your family/friends picked a fight with you, don't give up on trying to keep in touch.

G - Goal-oriented ... focus on the positive

Couples: The greatest gift for yourselves and your kids is a healthy relationship. If date night is not going so well, look at the positive and remember you are making an effort. Compliment your spouse for trying hard to plan a great night and start planning your next date night to avoid similar problems as the past one. Individuals: Focus on your efforts to talk to your mother though you are tired of the unsolicited advice on why you should date Joe/Jane in 2010. Give yourself a break for reaching out to family/friends despite a busy schedule.

E - Evaluate and reward yourself

Couples: Give each other a meaningful gift that does not necessarily require money. Coupons for a foot/body massage, coupon to watch a game or a show without being nagged, a coupon to have his/her favorite home cooked meal etc, a night out with the guys or a night out with the girls. Individuals: go out for a movie/dinner by yourself or with friends, upgrade your phone to one with features encouraging you to stay in touch.

Happy GOAL-SETTING in 2010! 

Keeping Your Joy During The Christmas Season

Over the last couple of years, the month of December has been catching me by 'surprise'. Its generally a whirlwind from November all through to the New Year with church events, our Positively Africa band shows, kids, work etc. I keep researching ways to keep my joy so I can actually celebrate the real reason for the Christmas season.

Some of my coping strategies:

1. I minimize watching shows on "must have" gifts to buy - obligatory shopping stresses me out!
2. We only put up decorations when its fun not because others have them up already!
3. Our preschooler son loves toys! In December we read a bedtime story about Jesus' birth from a kid's Christmas Bible which he loves. We remind him the holiday is about giving to God through giving to others - not just getting toys.
4. I play Christmas music and turn it off the minute I start getting stressful urges to shop :)
5. This year I'll give personalized meaningful gifts and cards that don't require a ton of spending
6. We are repackaging and wrapping some of my son's toys because he's forgotten he even had them! We'll only add at most 2 new toys that we've promised since October. We wish well-meaning people would STOP asking him what Santa is giving him for Christmas! 
7. I emotionally brace myself before making Christmas calls to Africa because I miss my brothers terribly  (mom died 2001). Through we talk every couple of weeks through the year & chat on facebook, the holiday season hits us the hardest. If you are calling long-distance family members, please remember, you cannot solve long standing family issues or the latest drama over the phone. Keep the call relevant and deflect mine field topics by redirecting the conversation or not contributing answers.
8. For those of us living far from family members (another continent), consider giving grocery vouchers, cell phone airtime, wire spending money, buy a goat, give school fees voucher, a current year picture album, a care package etc. Be sure to use a reputable company and read fine print on extra fees for buying from afar.
9. My husband and I put spending limits on our personal gifts - an example is each person spends $50 on the other - it makes it exciting to think creatively and not be bothered with extra bills after the holidays. I got into credit card trouble a couple of years back, we now use cash or debit cards (checking account). We are taking a Dave Ramsey money class and learned great tips on negotiating :)
10. We often go to the store the day after Christmas and buy any Christmas items we want for the next year at 70% discounts.

More Helpful Tips

1. If you are traveling to see your family, remember you cannot solve childhood family drama over apple cider or chai (tea) by the fireside! When confronted by family members we often react through the inner child and say regrettable things. Feel free to excuse yourself and take a walk when a discussion threatens to get out of hand, remind the person you want to enjoy your time with them not fight over the past.
2. Honestly discuss with your spouse/loved one concerns about get-togethers, that way you can both have each others back. Blood speaks to blood - don't unnecessarily confront your in-laws when their child (your spouse) is an expert on how to do it and get results. Avoid family emotional tug-of-wars.
3. If you are a foreign exchange or international student - please take advantage of the holiday programs offered by the university's international office. Most offer a holiday family exchange, holiday meal celebration and if not, please check with churches, faith-based ministries, religious centers, or nonprofit centers.

Additional Resources

Just Between Us - Holiday stress busters 
CBN Christmas Center - Faith based ideas and help
APA help center - Dealing with holiday stress and families
Mayo Clinic - 10 tips for coping with holiday stress or depression
American Hospice Foundation - Coping with grief during the holiday
University of Wisconsin - International student culture shock stress
International Student Ministry (Intervasity) - 20 Articles on coping in a new place
Coping With infertility and the holidays
Dealing with PTSD and the holiday season
Coping with homesickness for students