What a strange week that ended? First it was the worrying news of the missing Governor Sanford from South Carolina who turned up to have been 'crying in Argentina' over his affair with an Argentinian reporter. Then the sad and expected death of Farah Fawcett followed by the shocking and sudden death of Michael Jackson - our generation's Elvis. The previous week brought news of Senator Ensign's affair with a staffer and the riveting TLC show where Jon & Kate announced their coming divorce. Anyone else feeling infidelity/heartbreak fatigue? This is enough to make the most positive person swear off relationships and especially marriage. If you are being affected by infidelity, you can check out Beyond Affairs (BAN) support groups.
I love the updated 2009 Prepare/Enrich marriage education program which includes a section asking couples "Commitment" questions. I'm currently using the program with engaged couples and appreciate leading them through these difficult questions before they commit to each other for life. Affairs are nothing new and unfortunately don't seem to surprise anyone anymore. I would encourage engaged couples to openly ask each other what their stance on fidelity is in the relationship. Some are shocked to discover their partner does not believe in staying monogamous for the rest of their relationship/marriage. If you are seeking someone who believes in remaining sexually faithful to you, you need to voice that before walking down the aisle. Don't just assume your partner understands your stance on fidelity. By the way, women are increasingly having affairs and so this is not a gender specific issue. Do ask and Do tell your stance on faithfulness.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
How We Handle Conflict Determines Relationship Survival
How we handle conflict in our relationships determines whether the dating relationship or marriage will survive. Back in Kenya, I knew pastors who would not marry a couple unless they had fought once or more in their courtship. They were determined to establish that couples knew how to handle inevitable conflict that would arise in the relationship. Fighting is normal and a healthy part of relationships - how we fight however, makes the difference.
When I was dating my husband back in the 90's, I mistakenly believed if he loved me his opinions would mirror mine on issues. If we fought about anything, I expected him to immediately agree with my point of view without realizing he was a separate being with separate thoughts and opinions. I studied alot of relationship books on communication and began to see the error of my methods but old habits die hard. We dated for four years and it wasn't until our second year of marriage that I got the hang of fighting fair and learned to respect his opinion in the fight.
In my premarital education work, the couples who show extremely low scores on conflict resolution tend to have the toughest time adjusting to marriage, struggle with abuse issues and/or dissolve the marriage. I have become even more committed to asking couples to postpone their wedding ceremony if they want to save their future marriage. If there are unresolved issues causing conflict during dating, the same issues will be magnified in marriage with stronger consequences. Don't ignore warning signs - they are similar to yellow lights turning red on your relationship.
Name calling, yelling, belittling and threatening do not solve conflicts. We've all yelled at some point, the problem is what words we yell because we can't take them back. Yelling is sometimes equating to blowing off steam but is hardly ever constructive. I can't recall who taught my husband and I to use our pet names for each other while fighting but its worked over the years. Its hard for me to attack his character and the essence of his being while yelling "honey - you are such a bla bla bla". Oh, we do fight - trust me on that one. We both have strong opinions and believe in expressing them when necessary but we have fighting rules that keep us in check so we don't destroy each other with careless nuclear words.
Our fighting rules run along lines of: stick to the issue at hand, do not drudge up old fights, identify on a scale how vital the issue is to both of you, 1 - not a big deal to 10 - over my dead body. I love Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot's conflict card and have used it in our marriage and with couples. Avoid name calling and nuclear words (maximizes emotional damage), do not threaten break-up/divorce - it only makes the situation worse, introduces the bailout option and unless you mean it becomes an empty threat. Feel free to call a time-out and postpone the fight if its unproductive and not solving the original issue causing conflict. Agree to bring up the issue for example on Saturday morning when you jog together because you will be less emotional, more logical and open to seeing it through the other's eyes. It sounds impossible but it works, my husband or I will say "lets talk about this another time/Friday" etc or "I can't talk about this right now" which is a code word meaning we will not have a productive end to our fight.
Agree on a code word to indicate when the fight is escalating beyond repair - when one of you uses it, its time to take a step back, walk out of the room/house or shut yourself in a room to cool off. The time-out concept only works if you are both committed to discussing the issue at an agreed future date - otherwise it becomes a cop-out. Do not use physical force on each other - a small shove can easily escalate into violence. When all else fails, involve a third party - seek professional help if the issue you are trying to resolve remains unsolved, is causing considerable tension in your relationship and is threatening your marriage. Avoid trying to shame your partner by describing the issue in lurid details to close friends and family who you hope will put pressure on him/her. True friends will try to be objective and call you out on mistakes. When you make up with your partner, you want him/her to be able to face your friends and family. Think ahead and remember you love this person, you are not trying to destroy them.
If you are reading this portion and you are in a physically abusive relationship please call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Your situation requires professional help - your safety and that of your children is of utmost importance. They will do crisis intervention and connect you to local domestic violence shelters in your community.
Some great resources on conflict resolution that I personally use or refer to my couples are Real Relationships (great video clips), Family Life, Marriage Builders and the classes I offer for premarital education and marriage enrichment. Happy fighting to you and may you achieve productive results!
When I was dating my husband back in the 90's, I mistakenly believed if he loved me his opinions would mirror mine on issues. If we fought about anything, I expected him to immediately agree with my point of view without realizing he was a separate being with separate thoughts and opinions. I studied alot of relationship books on communication and began to see the error of my methods but old habits die hard. We dated for four years and it wasn't until our second year of marriage that I got the hang of fighting fair and learned to respect his opinion in the fight.
In my premarital education work, the couples who show extremely low scores on conflict resolution tend to have the toughest time adjusting to marriage, struggle with abuse issues and/or dissolve the marriage. I have become even more committed to asking couples to postpone their wedding ceremony if they want to save their future marriage. If there are unresolved issues causing conflict during dating, the same issues will be magnified in marriage with stronger consequences. Don't ignore warning signs - they are similar to yellow lights turning red on your relationship.
Name calling, yelling, belittling and threatening do not solve conflicts. We've all yelled at some point, the problem is what words we yell because we can't take them back. Yelling is sometimes equating to blowing off steam but is hardly ever constructive. I can't recall who taught my husband and I to use our pet names for each other while fighting but its worked over the years. Its hard for me to attack his character and the essence of his being while yelling "honey - you are such a bla bla bla". Oh, we do fight - trust me on that one. We both have strong opinions and believe in expressing them when necessary but we have fighting rules that keep us in check so we don't destroy each other with careless nuclear words.
Our fighting rules run along lines of: stick to the issue at hand, do not drudge up old fights, identify on a scale how vital the issue is to both of you, 1 - not a big deal to 10 - over my dead body. I love Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot's conflict card and have used it in our marriage and with couples. Avoid name calling and nuclear words (maximizes emotional damage), do not threaten break-up/divorce - it only makes the situation worse, introduces the bailout option and unless you mean it becomes an empty threat. Feel free to call a time-out and postpone the fight if its unproductive and not solving the original issue causing conflict. Agree to bring up the issue for example on Saturday morning when you jog together because you will be less emotional, more logical and open to seeing it through the other's eyes. It sounds impossible but it works, my husband or I will say "lets talk about this another time/Friday" etc or "I can't talk about this right now" which is a code word meaning we will not have a productive end to our fight.
Agree on a code word to indicate when the fight is escalating beyond repair - when one of you uses it, its time to take a step back, walk out of the room/house or shut yourself in a room to cool off. The time-out concept only works if you are both committed to discussing the issue at an agreed future date - otherwise it becomes a cop-out. Do not use physical force on each other - a small shove can easily escalate into violence. When all else fails, involve a third party - seek professional help if the issue you are trying to resolve remains unsolved, is causing considerable tension in your relationship and is threatening your marriage. Avoid trying to shame your partner by describing the issue in lurid details to close friends and family who you hope will put pressure on him/her. True friends will try to be objective and call you out on mistakes. When you make up with your partner, you want him/her to be able to face your friends and family. Think ahead and remember you love this person, you are not trying to destroy them.
If you are reading this portion and you are in a physically abusive relationship please call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Your situation requires professional help - your safety and that of your children is of utmost importance. They will do crisis intervention and connect you to local domestic violence shelters in your community.
Some great resources on conflict resolution that I personally use or refer to my couples are Real Relationships (great video clips), Family Life, Marriage Builders and the classes I offer for premarital education and marriage enrichment. Happy fighting to you and may you achieve productive results!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jon & Kate plus 8 - Back Off This Couple!
I recorded last night's season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 for the first time ever! I've watched about 15 episodes before but never used to record them. I'm in my 30's married with two boys and relationships are tough period. I cannot imagine juggling marriage, 8 kids, TV series, book signings, speaking tours, stay at home dad etc and having it all go smoothly. Did Jon make a mistake? Yes! Is Kate too hard on him? Yes! My unimportant opinion - BACK OFF THIS COUPLE and let them salvage their marriage.
For some crazy reason, folks seem to be salivating at the prospects of a divorce. Half the people giving opinions on TV, in magazines and online are they themselves victims, causers or children of divorce. They know the hurt surrounding the issue, instead of hoping for the worst in a twisted way, back off this family and send them encouraging vibes, notes, comments etc. Jon is not the first husband to do something stupid/flirt with other women/cheat if he did, Kate is not the first wife to nag and belittle her husband. Talk to any marriage therapist - couples do alot worse and still manage to make their marriage work. THERE IS HOPE people! Stop wishing Jon & Kate ill - wish them well as they huddle through a tough period in their marriage. I learned about Michele Weiner-Davis' work while in grad school and her emphasis on giving couples hope through any situation is incredible. Jon & Kate are not as badly off as some in the media would have us believe, their marriage does not have to collapse if only one of them is willing to work on it.
I am strangely attached to Jon & Kate because they are in my Generation X cohort. We consider marriage an egalitarian affair where both partners put in equal effort or appear to put in equal effort, our relationship roles are based on gifting and not gender etc - the wife might be better at family finances, the husband might be a better cook/cleaner. We have also left corporate America in droves to stay home with our children despite having advanced degrees etc. We strongly believe in the wellbeing of our children to a fault - hence the debate over excessive 'self-esteemed' children. Back to the show.
My heart broke last night watching the pain they are going through trying to sort their feelings, their responsibilities as parents, their marriage relationship and a hounding media all at the same time. I have serious reservations about the way Kate treats Jon on the show, but I learned the show is only taped 3 days a week and its edited down to an hour. They probably don't show the times she's decent with him. Jon is always potrayed as the docile 'yes, dear' kind of husband and loving dad, maybe the other 4 days of the week - he actually yells back and takes charge in decision making. In other words - its a TV show - we don't see everything! I don't let Kate's behavior towards him off the hook - it bothers me a great deal and my husband will not watch the show after seeing her talk to Jon in only one episode. I also believe Jon (unless its edited that way) should take more charge and speak up on his needs etc.
I have no earthly idea how they will pull off saving their marriage, raising the kids, working while hounded by the media and our incessant comments. Some folks suggested the show should be cancelled, that's a knee jerk reaction. It's a great teaching moment if the producers edit accurately and fairly. I hope they are seeing a marriage friendly marriage therapist instead of one who will tell them to split because "their happiness" is too important. I also believe they might benefit from taking a couple's vacation just the two of them to reconnect emotionally.
Life is tough and tough choices sometimes require happiness tied to happenings to take a back burner to important decisions that will shape the destiny of our families. I'm not sure they should show any episode with the therapist if they are seeing one. In my books - they should do whatever it takes to save the marriage. In the meantime, I am in their corner, cheering them on towards healing in their relationship. I haven't focused on the kids because the naysayers are using them as bait and yelping without considering this - the greatest gift to our children is seeing their parents attempt to make their marriage work and thrive.
For some crazy reason, folks seem to be salivating at the prospects of a divorce. Half the people giving opinions on TV, in magazines and online are they themselves victims, causers or children of divorce. They know the hurt surrounding the issue, instead of hoping for the worst in a twisted way, back off this family and send them encouraging vibes, notes, comments etc. Jon is not the first husband to do something stupid/flirt with other women/cheat if he did, Kate is not the first wife to nag and belittle her husband. Talk to any marriage therapist - couples do alot worse and still manage to make their marriage work. THERE IS HOPE people! Stop wishing Jon & Kate ill - wish them well as they huddle through a tough period in their marriage. I learned about Michele Weiner-Davis' work while in grad school and her emphasis on giving couples hope through any situation is incredible. Jon & Kate are not as badly off as some in the media would have us believe, their marriage does not have to collapse if only one of them is willing to work on it.
I am strangely attached to Jon & Kate because they are in my Generation X cohort. We consider marriage an egalitarian affair where both partners put in equal effort or appear to put in equal effort, our relationship roles are based on gifting and not gender etc - the wife might be better at family finances, the husband might be a better cook/cleaner. We have also left corporate America in droves to stay home with our children despite having advanced degrees etc. We strongly believe in the wellbeing of our children to a fault - hence the debate over excessive 'self-esteemed' children. Back to the show.
My heart broke last night watching the pain they are going through trying to sort their feelings, their responsibilities as parents, their marriage relationship and a hounding media all at the same time. I have serious reservations about the way Kate treats Jon on the show, but I learned the show is only taped 3 days a week and its edited down to an hour. They probably don't show the times she's decent with him. Jon is always potrayed as the docile 'yes, dear' kind of husband and loving dad, maybe the other 4 days of the week - he actually yells back and takes charge in decision making. In other words - its a TV show - we don't see everything! I don't let Kate's behavior towards him off the hook - it bothers me a great deal and my husband will not watch the show after seeing her talk to Jon in only one episode. I also believe Jon (unless its edited that way) should take more charge and speak up on his needs etc.
I have no earthly idea how they will pull off saving their marriage, raising the kids, working while hounded by the media and our incessant comments. Some folks suggested the show should be cancelled, that's a knee jerk reaction. It's a great teaching moment if the producers edit accurately and fairly. I hope they are seeing a marriage friendly marriage therapist instead of one who will tell them to split because "their happiness" is too important. I also believe they might benefit from taking a couple's vacation just the two of them to reconnect emotionally.
Life is tough and tough choices sometimes require happiness tied to happenings to take a back burner to important decisions that will shape the destiny of our families. I'm not sure they should show any episode with the therapist if they are seeing one. In my books - they should do whatever it takes to save the marriage. In the meantime, I am in their corner, cheering them on towards healing in their relationship. I haven't focused on the kids because the naysayers are using them as bait and yelping without considering this - the greatest gift to our children is seeing their parents attempt to make their marriage work and thrive.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Withholding Sex To Achieve Political Change - Kenyan Women
This was a great and funny story to read on CNN today - Kenyan women decided to go on strike and deny their husbands sex until political reform was achieved. Why am I not surprised as a Kenyan woman? I remember the strikes organized by women back in the 90's to protest the one party system before multi-partism was introduced. I also remember the hunger strikes organized by Professor Wangari Maathai and others for the green-belt movement fighting for Kenya's environment in the 90's. I guess Kenyan women have quite a history of achieving change through radical methods - this one takes the cake. I wonder how husbands will react? I bet you there will be some serious discussion on reform so hubbies can resume the taps on the shoulder for some loving!
I love the coy answer Ida Odinga (Prime Minister's wife) gave when questioned by the media - she focused on meeting the needs of common Kenyans (wananchi) while side stepping her husband's view on the matter. Some Kenya news YouTube videos at KTN (some men threatened beatings), CitizenTV (press conference) and KTNa (women debating merits).
I do believe its quite an effective method albeit a bit unorthodox. Married women have used the power of sex since time immemorial, in fact the Bible (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) instructs BOTH spouses NOT to deny each other sex unless it was for prayer. Soap box for a second - God intended sex for pleasure not just procreation otherwise there would have been thousands of babies born to each woman - you better believe those biblical men took their sex seriously! I am a music/youth pastor's wife and have been in/around Christian ministry for more than a decade - Christians have quite an appetite for such matters. I will be scouring Kenyan news online for updates.
Despite my amusement and secret solidarity with these women on political reform, I do not encourage using sex as a weapon in marriage. We've all had the "headache" that lasted for days, weeks or months because we were ticked off at our hubbies. However, it takes two to tango and if the shoe's on the other side, we'd hate to be begging for some loving. Marital experts do agree that couples should reach mutual agreements regarding their sex life to avoid serious complications and excuses for misbehavior. On this Kenyan women debate, I plead the 5th because I'm rooting for the women - here's to hearing my husband's opinion on the matter!
I love the coy answer Ida Odinga (Prime Minister's wife) gave when questioned by the media - she focused on meeting the needs of common Kenyans (wananchi) while side stepping her husband's view on the matter. Some Kenya news YouTube videos at KTN (some men threatened beatings), CitizenTV (press conference) and KTNa (women debating merits).
I do believe its quite an effective method albeit a bit unorthodox. Married women have used the power of sex since time immemorial, in fact the Bible (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) instructs BOTH spouses NOT to deny each other sex unless it was for prayer. Soap box for a second - God intended sex for pleasure not just procreation otherwise there would have been thousands of babies born to each woman - you better believe those biblical men took their sex seriously! I am a music/youth pastor's wife and have been in/around Christian ministry for more than a decade - Christians have quite an appetite for such matters. I will be scouring Kenyan news online for updates.
Despite my amusement and secret solidarity with these women on political reform, I do not encourage using sex as a weapon in marriage. We've all had the "headache" that lasted for days, weeks or months because we were ticked off at our hubbies. However, it takes two to tango and if the shoe's on the other side, we'd hate to be begging for some loving. Marital experts do agree that couples should reach mutual agreements regarding their sex life to avoid serious complications and excuses for misbehavior. On this Kenyan women debate, I plead the 5th because I'm rooting for the women - here's to hearing my husband's opinion on the matter!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Millenials Relationships Influenced by the Obamas
I just read this story on Newsweek on how millenials are influenced by President & Mrs. Obama's marriage. It's no secret that I'm an Obama fan but I've tried to stay off the bandwagon on posting stories featuring them. However, marriage education is my cup of tea and this story has some great insights for couples in their 20's otherwise now called millenial relationships.
To be fair - I do believe former President Bush (43) and Laura have a great marriage too. However, the Obama's present a generational shift in how we Gen X'rs and millenials view marriage relationships. Andrew Romano, the Newsweek article author notes the younger generation is much more cautious towards marriage and are marrying later but also want to avoid the divorce options they saw their parents take.
My plug - that's why I so strongly believe in relationship education during dating, engagement and marriage. The programs I use help couples identify areas they are currently struggling with and others they might struggle with in their first year of marriage - it really is a pre-emptive strike against nasty surprises. I strongly encourage couples to participate in any sort of relationship education program easily available online, in churches and often offered by marriage educators and therapists. Okay, off my soap box:)
Great points made in the article: President Obama is not afraid to show being vulnerable towards his wife in public, they share easy banter and flirtious behavior with each other. I watched several interviews they did together and I kept rewinding because they don't censor their attraction to each other - a rarity in public officials. An observable characteristic of our generation is authenticity and I believe that's what the Newsweek article was trying to say about our view of the Obama marriage relationship. It does not feel fake or forced, they interract in language that we identify with and it doesn't always feature the endless adoring gaze. Nothing wrong with the gaze but we like seeing realness and occasional flushes of emotion and other expressions.
He noted a sense of equality or egalitarianism in the marriage - I believe most current marriages are that but I beg for caution. I often tell engaged couples, their relationships will never be 50/50 - that's a misnoma. Some days its 80/20, 40/60 or 0/100 - you don't walk out, you work and wait it out. My version of equality in marriage is not necessarily having similar roles but having equal input and say in decision making. I believe in sharing of responsibilities which is what most Gen Xers and millenials have embraced. My husband often does non-traditional African male stuff like laundry and washing dishes, I've taken the car for oil changes when he was working and I'll take the trash out without feeling slighted. I just realized we celebrated our 13th year of a Valentines day since we first met in the 90's! Flexibility works wonders too - expectations should not be set in stone especially if they turn out to erroneous.
I do believe and research has shown that couples marrying at or after age 25 have stronger chances of avoiding divorce due to maturity, independence, professional growth and financial ability. I don't encourage girls to leave their father's house to run to a husband's house, living alone for awhile is priceless! Learning individual responsibilities & independence helps each partner become a productive member in the future marriage. The strongest research shows couples who attend relationship education classes before their marriage report the highest rates of marital satisfaction in their early years of marriage. So read the article and feel free to share your comments with me.
Alright - I'm going back to actively waiting for labor, I'm due with our second son in 2 days. Thanks for reading this post, have a great week.
To be fair - I do believe former President Bush (43) and Laura have a great marriage too. However, the Obama's present a generational shift in how we Gen X'rs and millenials view marriage relationships. Andrew Romano, the Newsweek article author notes the younger generation is much more cautious towards marriage and are marrying later but also want to avoid the divorce options they saw their parents take.
My plug - that's why I so strongly believe in relationship education during dating, engagement and marriage. The programs I use help couples identify areas they are currently struggling with and others they might struggle with in their first year of marriage - it really is a pre-emptive strike against nasty surprises. I strongly encourage couples to participate in any sort of relationship education program easily available online, in churches and often offered by marriage educators and therapists. Okay, off my soap box:)
Great points made in the article: President Obama is not afraid to show being vulnerable towards his wife in public, they share easy banter and flirtious behavior with each other. I watched several interviews they did together and I kept rewinding because they don't censor their attraction to each other - a rarity in public officials. An observable characteristic of our generation is authenticity and I believe that's what the Newsweek article was trying to say about our view of the Obama marriage relationship. It does not feel fake or forced, they interract in language that we identify with and it doesn't always feature the endless adoring gaze. Nothing wrong with the gaze but we like seeing realness and occasional flushes of emotion and other expressions.
He noted a sense of equality or egalitarianism in the marriage - I believe most current marriages are that but I beg for caution. I often tell engaged couples, their relationships will never be 50/50 - that's a misnoma. Some days its 80/20, 40/60 or 0/100 - you don't walk out, you work and wait it out. My version of equality in marriage is not necessarily having similar roles but having equal input and say in decision making. I believe in sharing of responsibilities which is what most Gen Xers and millenials have embraced. My husband often does non-traditional African male stuff like laundry and washing dishes, I've taken the car for oil changes when he was working and I'll take the trash out without feeling slighted. I just realized we celebrated our 13th year of a Valentines day since we first met in the 90's! Flexibility works wonders too - expectations should not be set in stone especially if they turn out to erroneous.
I do believe and research has shown that couples marrying at or after age 25 have stronger chances of avoiding divorce due to maturity, independence, professional growth and financial ability. I don't encourage girls to leave their father's house to run to a husband's house, living alone for awhile is priceless! Learning individual responsibilities & independence helps each partner become a productive member in the future marriage. The strongest research shows couples who attend relationship education classes before their marriage report the highest rates of marital satisfaction in their early years of marriage. So read the article and feel free to share your comments with me.
Alright - I'm going back to actively waiting for labor, I'm due with our second son in 2 days. Thanks for reading this post, have a great week.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Happy New 2009!
Its been awhile since I wrote the last blog - we've been rather busy. I had my graduation ceremony on December 14th after completing the graduate program back in June. We also had several gigs with our Positively Africa band and rehearsals are in full swing for the studio CD recording. I enjoyed my passion of working with couples over the holidays doing premarital education. I never cease to be amazed at how the program affects a couple's relationship by improving their communication and conflict resolution skills.
The next chapter of my personal life is about to unfold in a couple of weeks when our second son is born. I thank God my pregnancy has been drama free - it of course includes the occasional "any time" sickness and regular aches and pains. I will be posting a few items on how having siblings affects the couple's relationship. My husband has been truly patient and forbearing as usual - God bless him! This time I battled prenatal blues that I didn't experience with my first son and so that was a bit of a challenge for us. The interesting thing about my hormonal moods is that I take it out on others outside the home, I'm always nicer to my husband and just clam up with folks outside our house. I do try to warn him when I'm out of it and that way he's aware incase I am grouchy.
This year we'll be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary and our 13th year together since we started dating back in 1996. Our older son is enjoying preschool and is an extremely self-assured 3 year old! Its makes me proud and sad at the same time to see him losing some of his babish ways. He is going through a phase of proclaiming his love for us and I wish I could capture that in a time capsule for when he turns older and doesn't want to say the words out loud :) I enjoy watching him play with my husband - his favorite game is tag, he gets to run around the house chasing daddy. He listens and talks to the baby in my womb, he's always asking if I'm doing okay. He's been telling total strangers he's getting a baby brother in February, so maybe that eases my anxiety about sibling rivalry. I'll still take him to the hospitals sibling class to help him adjust.
I wanted to post something since I might be busier in 3 weeks adjusting to baby #2 while pursuing our other personal and professional ventures. I am also busy updating the website and hope to publish the new one in a couple of weeks. There are tons of new and interesting relationship tidbits and resources that I'd like to add. Wish you all a great February and a memorable Valentine's day loving yourself first.
The next chapter of my personal life is about to unfold in a couple of weeks when our second son is born. I thank God my pregnancy has been drama free - it of course includes the occasional "any time" sickness and regular aches and pains. I will be posting a few items on how having siblings affects the couple's relationship. My husband has been truly patient and forbearing as usual - God bless him! This time I battled prenatal blues that I didn't experience with my first son and so that was a bit of a challenge for us. The interesting thing about my hormonal moods is that I take it out on others outside the home, I'm always nicer to my husband and just clam up with folks outside our house. I do try to warn him when I'm out of it and that way he's aware incase I am grouchy.
This year we'll be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary and our 13th year together since we started dating back in 1996. Our older son is enjoying preschool and is an extremely self-assured 3 year old! Its makes me proud and sad at the same time to see him losing some of his babish ways. He is going through a phase of proclaiming his love for us and I wish I could capture that in a time capsule for when he turns older and doesn't want to say the words out loud :) I enjoy watching him play with my husband - his favorite game is tag, he gets to run around the house chasing daddy. He listens and talks to the baby in my womb, he's always asking if I'm doing okay. He's been telling total strangers he's getting a baby brother in February, so maybe that eases my anxiety about sibling rivalry. I'll still take him to the hospitals sibling class to help him adjust.
I wanted to post something since I might be busier in 3 weeks adjusting to baby #2 while pursuing our other personal and professional ventures. I am also busy updating the website and hope to publish the new one in a couple of weeks. There are tons of new and interesting relationship tidbits and resources that I'd like to add. Wish you all a great February and a memorable Valentine's day loving yourself first.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Honeymoon Expectations
The best part of planning a wedding is planning the honeymoon. Wedding planning is stressful; some couples fantasize of dropping vendors, family and friends and eloping to a honeymoon suite miles away from home. This is why I love the discussions I have with engaged couples during my honeymoon 101 class sessions.
What Makes A Great Honeymoon Experience?
As a couple, you need to discuss what you expect from your honeymoon as far as your relationship is concerned. If you already have concerns about your partner’s red flag issues, a honeymoon will not solve your problem. You need to tackle those issues preferably through premarital counseling before the wedding. The key is having realistic expectations and not expecting your spouse to transform during your honeymoon.
What Does Premarital Counseling Have To Do With Honeymoon Expectations?
Most couples would do not place premarital counseling and honeymoon sex in the same sentence. Yet in reality, couples that attend a marriage preparation class are more likely to enjoy their honeymoon and their first year of marriage. A study listed in the September 2006 Journal of Family Psychology, shows couples that attend premarital education classes increase in their first year marital satisfaction and lower their divorce chances by 31%! Premarital counseling enables you to discuss realistic marriage expectations including honeymoon sex.
What’s The Big Deal About Honeymoon Sex Expectations?
The truth of the matter is first time you have sex after your wedding, will be your first time as a married couple. You want it to be a pleasant and special experience. Some couples have sex on the wedding night while others wait for the honeymoon due to exhaustion. You need to communicate with each other – you will recall your first married sex experience for the rest of your life. Make it special by outlining your dreams and expectations. Do you prefer sight-seeing excursions, lounging by the pool/beach or spending time in your suite making love?
What About Wedding Drama And Other Issues?
One of my favorite websites on this issue is The First Dance - they have incredible information on dealing with wedding stress and I actually offer their class to engaged couples here in South Florida. Chances are something didn’t quite go as planned during the wedding – it happened to me. You need to make a conscious choice not to rehash it to your spouse. Don’t let your family, friends or wedding vendors ruin your long awaited honeymoon. You can handle whatever went wrong when you get back. Spend your honeymoon focused on your spouse and your new life together – you will have weeks and months to talk about wedding drama. Choose to enjoy your honeymoon and write a short journal your expectations for your first year of marriage. Written dreams materialize faster than fantasized thoughts.
What Makes A Great Honeymoon Experience?
As a couple, you need to discuss what you expect from your honeymoon as far as your relationship is concerned. If you already have concerns about your partner’s red flag issues, a honeymoon will not solve your problem. You need to tackle those issues preferably through premarital counseling before the wedding. The key is having realistic expectations and not expecting your spouse to transform during your honeymoon.
What Does Premarital Counseling Have To Do With Honeymoon Expectations?
Most couples would do not place premarital counseling and honeymoon sex in the same sentence. Yet in reality, couples that attend a marriage preparation class are more likely to enjoy their honeymoon and their first year of marriage. A study listed in the September 2006 Journal of Family Psychology, shows couples that attend premarital education classes increase in their first year marital satisfaction and lower their divorce chances by 31%! Premarital counseling enables you to discuss realistic marriage expectations including honeymoon sex.
What’s The Big Deal About Honeymoon Sex Expectations?
The truth of the matter is first time you have sex after your wedding, will be your first time as a married couple. You want it to be a pleasant and special experience. Some couples have sex on the wedding night while others wait for the honeymoon due to exhaustion. You need to communicate with each other – you will recall your first married sex experience for the rest of your life. Make it special by outlining your dreams and expectations. Do you prefer sight-seeing excursions, lounging by the pool/beach or spending time in your suite making love?
What About Wedding Drama And Other Issues?
One of my favorite websites on this issue is The First Dance - they have incredible information on dealing with wedding stress and I actually offer their class to engaged couples here in South Florida. Chances are something didn’t quite go as planned during the wedding – it happened to me. You need to make a conscious choice not to rehash it to your spouse. Don’t let your family, friends or wedding vendors ruin your long awaited honeymoon. You can handle whatever went wrong when you get back. Spend your honeymoon focused on your spouse and your new life together – you will have weeks and months to talk about wedding drama. Choose to enjoy your honeymoon and write a short journal your expectations for your first year of marriage. Written dreams materialize faster than fantasized thoughts.
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