Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sex-starved marriages - Rabbi Shmuley & others

The most frequent question asked during premarital classes is how often a married couple should have sex in a week. I've been catching clips of Rabbi Shmuley on different shows and I was intrigued about his quest to have couples reconnect sexually. His stats on married couples are dead on. Couples with little children have the least amount of sex for obvious reasons - exhaustion, busyness, lack of privacy (lack of boundaries) among others. Here's a video clip where the Rabbi was discussing his concept on Kosher Sutra. There I wrote it and I'm turning purple :)

There are a ton of great resources for couples struggling sexually through low libido or other reasons. Besides the Rabbi's insights, there's also Michelle-Weiner Davis's site on the sex-starved wife and needless to say, some husbands are simply not in the mood!

Finally my favorite article that I often pass to couples in class was an interview with Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg on keeping sex fun. It has a list of 13 items that I cannot repeat on this blog or I will surely never regain my complexion! Yet, I find it easy to discuss it face to face - go figure :)

Sex-starved marriages cannot be healed in a blog post:) The goal is to start a discussion among couples with a few pointers on what experts are saying. I will do an additional post on what experts say about regaining sexual momentum when you have little ones at home. That's my 'neck of the woods' to quote the great Al Roker :)

If you are accessing this post on a feed to a social site please post your comments here on the blog to benefit other readers.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Shamelessly Facilitating Affairs For Married Couples

My husband and I were watching a show two nights ago when this ad encouraging married couples to cheat on their spouses came on during break. It tells a married man that he can get away from a one night stand but cannot get away from his wife - the ad then posts a website where he can have an affair. CNN interviewed one of the company's executives below.

When I figured out what it was, I was livid! Apparently, the company owners care less about plunging families into the hell hole of divorce proceedings. Those of you who read my blogs last fall know how passionate I get on some issues and this is one of them. I will actively log complaints with the local TV stations about the ad the moment I see it again. Keep tuned, I will update the post on which local channels in Palm Beach County run the ad. TV stations only listen to ratings increase or decrease due to gains or loss of viewers.

I understand sentiments that married adults have affairs without being urged by an ad so why get bothered. I'm bothered because those of us in the marriage/family field see the devastation caused by affairs. They are not casual flings, there's always a victim and for a company to blatantly profit from such misery simply appalling. Yes, I know capitalism blesses the shrewd regardless of trade - try telling that to Uncle Sam. As a matter of fact, this company should be prosecuted for encouraging prostitution and probably facilitating it. It actually serves as an online pimp, that ought to perk up some law enforcement ears and online regulatory review boards.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

19 Signs of Close Call Friendships - Affairs

I recently heard Dave Carder present on "Close Calls", 19 signs that a friendship will potentially lead to an affair. It was at the 2009 Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando. I have never heard anybody articulate how well meaning people wind up in affairs as well as he did. Affairs are often the result of a dangerous partner profile, an old flame "the ex" or platonic friendships that become close call friendships. Here are the signs to watch out for on friendships:

1. You save topics of conversation only for this friend
2. You share spousal difficulties with them - a form of criticism towards your spouse "you are a woman, help me understand how this works"
3. Your friend shares his/her relationship difficulties with you
4. You anticipate seeing your friend more than your spouse (we tend to see our spouses at the 2 worst times in the day - the morning rush and the evening exhaustion)
5. You begin comparing your spouse to your friend
6. You show more concern about your friend than your spouse
7. You provide special treats for your friend
8. You fantasize about marriage with this friend
9. You spend more time alone with this friend than your spouse
10. Your spouse does not have access to all your conversations (cell phone, texts, social media etc)
11. You spend money on your friend without your spouse's knowledge
12. You begin having conflicts with your spouse over this friendship
13. You lie to spend more time with this friend (go to work early, stay late, Bible study, praise band etc)
14. You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse (don't smile at me at the get-together, church cookout, etc my husband/wife is watching)
15.You accuse your spouse of being jealous when he/she brings up the friendship
16. You develop special rituals with your friend - which you both highly anticipate
17. Your friend shares feelings or touches you and you inwardly response - inner shiver
18. Sexual content becomes a part of your conversations
19. You do corporate dating - you are both participating in business travel for your company, church ministry etc where you get entertained, eat, drink and stay in the same hotel.

Dave Carder also shared that the dangerous partner profile is an individual who's personality, character and interests fit with our own needs or something lacking from our marriage. The 'old flame'/ex-factor is a problem because we already had feelings for them in the past. Calling them to meet a current need e.g. financial difficulties can lead to an affair. Lesson in all this, value your marriage and start talking to your spouse about any unmet needs in your relationship. Seek help through attending marriage enrichment workshops or a family therapist. If you need to find a relationship class or a marriage enrichment workshop in Palm Beach County or Broward send an email to to learn about Relationship Classes & Enrichment Sessions. If you live elsewhere in Florida or outside the State, I will try my level best to direct you to a nearby resource.