I stumbled on "The Moment of Truth" show on Fox TV back in April before I received a call in May from one of their casting directors in South Florida. Back to the show ... morbid curiosity took over as I watched contestants compete to tell the "truth" for the grand price of $500,000 based on previous polygraphed questions. If their response elicited "That answer is FALSE" - they lost all the money won. The contestants seem to be regular folks, single, married, working class, stay at home moms (SAHM) and upstanding citizens. The juiciest bits come from married contestants who answer to intimate details of their lives. I wondered why they are willing to destroy their families on national TV.
The call from the South Florida casting director was a surprise to me. They googled my marriage preparation classes site and contacted me about announcing their casting in Miami. They were looking for young engaged or married couples to go on the show. The director was polite and I of course said I'd review their emailed information. As I watched episodes afterwards, I could not in good conscience recommend the show to my couples. Telling the "Truth" has a limit - even for Christians. The medical motto "Do No Harm" applies to the mental health field and my legal and ethics class drummed it into our heads. The show relies on "Truth" for ratings based on how much pain the contestant drags their loved ones through sordid disclosures. Contestants admit affairs, job violations (EMT falsified reports), lying to the government, arson, robbery, perversion, and revelations of resentment to unsuspecting family members. Recommending the show to young couples would do more harm than build their young relationships.
Classic advice given to folks admitting a sexual affair is to tell the truth to the wronged spouse without expounding on the details on frequency, locations, positions etc. The wronged spouse might demand details but it does not benefit either of you - it prolongs the pain and gives them a vivid image to associate with your betrayal. Michele Weiner-Davis has some incredible articles on her website on divorce busting concerning infidelity.
Spilling the beans on national TV does not make you a hero. If anything, I think "Moment of Truth" justifies its existence by making contestants seem slimy for hurting their loved ones on TV. By the time they win $100,000, the body language of the spouse or significant other often indicates rejection and shock. Some marriages end, relationships break up and contestants risk losing their jobs based on their disclosures. The show makes for good TV and bad family dynamics.
Building a healthy relationship requires honesty and truth layered in loads of love. The world does not need to know sordid details of your personal life - if anything people respect you less. Lesson here: if you are a young engaged or married couple, think carefully before jumping into the reality show biz for a bit of money to start your family. The experience might leave you with nothing including your loved one who you wanted to build a future with. If you have sordid details to disclose chose carefully who to share them with. Remember that details are best when brief and edited, timing is essential and your motivation should be to build the relationship and not just purge your sin or guilt.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Maintaining Strong Marriages In A Different Culture
Transitioning to living in a new culture is often difficult enough for anyone. However, for married couples it doubles the stress of acculturation due to shifting roles. My friends and I have been discussing how to keep our marriages strong while living in a different culture. Displaced African had an excellent point about collectivist cultures where marriage means being married to the family as well not just the individual spouse.
I learned marriage was a communal affair when observing my extended family at home. In the Kamba tradition (Kenya) the girl 'lost' her bed in her parents home and was no longer expected to spend the night if she had a fight with her husband. I remember family members encouraging fighting spouses to work it out and everyone got involved in keeping the marriage strong. Sadly, that communal support is hard to find living here in the US or other developed nations that are moving away from traditional marriages. As a married woman and a marriage therapist in training - I've learned a few things.
Research shows that couples who stick it out when they feel unhappy in their marriage will often change their tune within 5 years. I know this goes against radical feminist ideas on 'individual rights to happiness'. The right to happiness is highly overrated when it trumps the long-term health of your children and the family unit. I know it sounds dark agish but hear me out. I'm an educated woman, but my education and life experience have taught me that love relationships are all about compromise and as the Bible puts it "putting others welfare above our own". Marriage is NOT a 50/50 affair, its switches to 90/10, 30/70 depending on the situation. One spouse gets sick, the other has to do double duty, one gets laid of, the other has to work harder etc.
It's difficult to make it in America on one income. One struggle my friends and I identified is the dual-earner role that most couples assume due to college bills, childcare and healthcare costs etc. Some husbands do not realize they are no longer in their home countries where nannies were easily affordable. Husbands need to realize the wife is just as tired when she gets home from work and offer to help bathe the kids, prepare dinner, do the dishes, pack lunches etc. If you want to score in the bedroom - it begins in the kitchen. Wives will not be sexually inclined when they are thoroughly exhausted and feel the husband does not acknowlege their efforts at home. A recent study showed men who performed housework often had more sex - there's one for ya! Happy wives make happy homes!
The wife also needs to realize the additional pressure her husband is experiencing. Chances are his qualifications and education back at home are not being recognized as a new immigrant here. Providing financially is a man's badge honor, help him by not nagging him over working several jobs in the meantime. Male egos are really fragile - surprise, surprise! That macho African man (any man) is putty when you question his ability to provide for the family and insinuate he is not man enough. Be tenderhearted and encouraging and do not try to usurp him or compare him to other more established men. In Biblical homes men are the head of the home. Hold on - remember wives are the neck - and we know the head goes where the neck turns!
Find legal ways to provide an additional income and you'll be surprised at the information available from your local chamber of commerce and local non-profit family agencies. A good source of direction is your local library, a United Way website and churches among others. In the meantime, remember to keep your marriage strong, don't give up because of transitioning stress - it will make you stronger as a family. Call your parents and family back home and ask for emotional and prayer support. We might not live in community here as we did at home but we have the internet, the phone, church and often great neighbours. There's help, don't let your marriage tank.
I learned marriage was a communal affair when observing my extended family at home. In the Kamba tradition (Kenya) the girl 'lost' her bed in her parents home and was no longer expected to spend the night if she had a fight with her husband. I remember family members encouraging fighting spouses to work it out and everyone got involved in keeping the marriage strong. Sadly, that communal support is hard to find living here in the US or other developed nations that are moving away from traditional marriages. As a married woman and a marriage therapist in training - I've learned a few things.
Research shows that couples who stick it out when they feel unhappy in their marriage will often change their tune within 5 years. I know this goes against radical feminist ideas on 'individual rights to happiness'. The right to happiness is highly overrated when it trumps the long-term health of your children and the family unit. I know it sounds dark agish but hear me out. I'm an educated woman, but my education and life experience have taught me that love relationships are all about compromise and as the Bible puts it "putting others welfare above our own". Marriage is NOT a 50/50 affair, its switches to 90/10, 30/70 depending on the situation. One spouse gets sick, the other has to do double duty, one gets laid of, the other has to work harder etc.
It's difficult to make it in America on one income. One struggle my friends and I identified is the dual-earner role that most couples assume due to college bills, childcare and healthcare costs etc. Some husbands do not realize they are no longer in their home countries where nannies were easily affordable. Husbands need to realize the wife is just as tired when she gets home from work and offer to help bathe the kids, prepare dinner, do the dishes, pack lunches etc. If you want to score in the bedroom - it begins in the kitchen. Wives will not be sexually inclined when they are thoroughly exhausted and feel the husband does not acknowlege their efforts at home. A recent study showed men who performed housework often had more sex - there's one for ya! Happy wives make happy homes!
The wife also needs to realize the additional pressure her husband is experiencing. Chances are his qualifications and education back at home are not being recognized as a new immigrant here. Providing financially is a man's badge honor, help him by not nagging him over working several jobs in the meantime. Male egos are really fragile - surprise, surprise! That macho African man (any man) is putty when you question his ability to provide for the family and insinuate he is not man enough. Be tenderhearted and encouraging and do not try to usurp him or compare him to other more established men. In Biblical homes men are the head of the home. Hold on - remember wives are the neck - and we know the head goes where the neck turns!
Find legal ways to provide an additional income and you'll be surprised at the information available from your local chamber of commerce and local non-profit family agencies. A good source of direction is your local library, a United Way website and churches among others. In the meantime, remember to keep your marriage strong, don't give up because of transitioning stress - it will make you stronger as a family. Call your parents and family back home and ask for emotional and prayer support. We might not live in community here as we did at home but we have the internet, the phone, church and often great neighbours. There's help, don't let your marriage tank.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Your Culture Influences Your Relationship
So I'm sitting trying to blog about how culture influences our relationships but my mind is distracted from searching blogs and news sites on elections results in Kenya (occured Dec 27). Our families are there and so we are naturally praying for calm as the electoral commission drags its feet on announcing results. God has been so good to Kenya and we want to keep it that way - peaceful.
Hence my thoughts on how culture influences our relationships. I choose to define culture in this context as the behaviors and beliefs that define a certain ethnic, social, or age group. Most people think culture means racial or ethnic identity, we'll work with whatever works for you. My advice is to embrace the positive parts of your culture and make them work in your relationship.
It's a good idea to shelf the negative - an example is an old tradition in my tribe that allows for women to aqcuire a younger woman for their husbands when they get older. I'm not going to do that - I do not like sharing my hubby and its not Biblical. Yeah, I know the dicey stories of concubines in the Bible - Old Testament - I'll be quick to add. So no acquiring anyone for my hubby thank you! Hence my point on shelving the negative parts of your culture and keeping the positive. My positive cultural borrowing would be a strong respect and concern for the elderly, a strong committment to marriage, strong communal support for family structures and basically being there for each other through thick and thin. Weight or no weight gain :)
I really love the family of origin section in the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory that I give to engaged couples for premarital education. I love reviewing their family histories and alerting them to issues that will influence their first year of marriage. Our families define the culture we grow up in - culture also means the customs acquired through being a member of your family. If your dad golfs on Saturdays, chances are you hate it or you've accepted it. When your new hubby decides he'll hang out with the guys on Saturdays - that will trigger childhood memories of hating dad's golf or accepting it. If your mom stayed home and provided cooked meals the entire day - a guy might expect that of his new wife. I love stay at home moms so don't write me about that - I've partly stayed home with my son while attending grad school at night :)
In your first year of marriage, you need to be aware of hidden expectations that you'll carry into your relationship based on your family of origin (family culture). The secret lies in deciding to create your own "couple culture". I love that term and would probably trademark it if no one has :) Shelf the negative in your family of origin and create new and positive trends and habits for your new family structure with your spouse. This cool website features videos where you can view answers to issues engaged couples face - Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot answer questions at http://www.realrelationships.com/.
This is one of my big ta da moments in counseling & education. Culture plays the biggest part in how you will relate to your partner. Did your dad handle all the finances? Well, chances are you think your husband will - you need to both decide the best person suited to handle your finances. Did your mom nag your dad incessantly? Did he withdraw and keep quiet to avoid fights? Well, guess what - chances are you do the same or you hate and confront every little thing you disagree with. Being aware is winning half the battle.
Family culture will influence your relationship - You need to be on the offensive and chose your positives to adopt and negatives to dump. I'm aware that interracial and intertribal couples face additional issues but the premise is the same. You choose what culture will define your new family. You can blend cultures, adopt some, dump others or create a new one!
Gotta go for real - have a good weekend and a great new blessed 2008!
Hence my thoughts on how culture influences our relationships. I choose to define culture in this context as the behaviors and beliefs that define a certain ethnic, social, or age group. Most people think culture means racial or ethnic identity, we'll work with whatever works for you. My advice is to embrace the positive parts of your culture and make them work in your relationship.
It's a good idea to shelf the negative - an example is an old tradition in my tribe that allows for women to aqcuire a younger woman for their husbands when they get older. I'm not going to do that - I do not like sharing my hubby and its not Biblical. Yeah, I know the dicey stories of concubines in the Bible - Old Testament - I'll be quick to add. So no acquiring anyone for my hubby thank you! Hence my point on shelving the negative parts of your culture and keeping the positive. My positive cultural borrowing would be a strong respect and concern for the elderly, a strong committment to marriage, strong communal support for family structures and basically being there for each other through thick and thin. Weight or no weight gain :)
I really love the family of origin section in the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory that I give to engaged couples for premarital education. I love reviewing their family histories and alerting them to issues that will influence their first year of marriage. Our families define the culture we grow up in - culture also means the customs acquired through being a member of your family. If your dad golfs on Saturdays, chances are you hate it or you've accepted it. When your new hubby decides he'll hang out with the guys on Saturdays - that will trigger childhood memories of hating dad's golf or accepting it. If your mom stayed home and provided cooked meals the entire day - a guy might expect that of his new wife. I love stay at home moms so don't write me about that - I've partly stayed home with my son while attending grad school at night :)
In your first year of marriage, you need to be aware of hidden expectations that you'll carry into your relationship based on your family of origin (family culture). The secret lies in deciding to create your own "couple culture". I love that term and would probably trademark it if no one has :) Shelf the negative in your family of origin and create new and positive trends and habits for your new family structure with your spouse. This cool website features videos where you can view answers to issues engaged couples face - Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot answer questions at http://www.realrelationships.com/.
This is one of my big ta da moments in counseling & education. Culture plays the biggest part in how you will relate to your partner. Did your dad handle all the finances? Well, chances are you think your husband will - you need to both decide the best person suited to handle your finances. Did your mom nag your dad incessantly? Did he withdraw and keep quiet to avoid fights? Well, guess what - chances are you do the same or you hate and confront every little thing you disagree with. Being aware is winning half the battle.
Family culture will influence your relationship - You need to be on the offensive and chose your positives to adopt and negatives to dump. I'm aware that interracial and intertribal couples face additional issues but the premise is the same. You choose what culture will define your new family. You can blend cultures, adopt some, dump others or create a new one!
Gotta go for real - have a good weekend and a great new blessed 2008!
Friday, September 21, 2007
From Cohabitation (living together) to Marriage Part 1
Back to my endless hope for marriage especially among fellow Gen X'ers. Over 90% of Americans will get married at least once in their lifetime despite all the doom and gloom of divorce rates. The business of marriage is booming and for that I'm thrilled!!!
A recent trend in premarital counseling (i'm a church counselor & marriage educator) shows more couples are living together before the wedding day. Its not just non-religious couples living together, some Christian couples are choosing to live together as well. They do not want to experience the horrors of divorce showcased by their parents, they believe it makes financial sense and they are testing sexual compatibility. A longer list of reasons is listed here though in small script. Here are some marriage myths as well - it's marriage friendly :)
Divorce statistics are consistently higher among couples who lived together before marriage. Researchers have listed some reasons here. If possible avoid serial cohabitation - statistics show women suffer the most. If a couple who cohabited before marriage stays married for 7 years, their chances of divorce revert to those of regular couples.
Good news - to give your relationship a great chance at marital satisfaction - consider marriage education, avoid serial cohabitation and pay attention to your spiritual needs as a couple.
Some couples feel premarital counseling means there's something wrong with their relationship. Premarital counseling and premarital education (skills-based instruction) are preventive measures for a relationship and they are worth every dime! Some marriage programs such as PREPARE-ENRICH have a component for couples living together (PREPARE CC) which helps with transitioning to marriage. If you are planning your wedding and are living together, you should definitely consider premarital education! There's always hope for a happy marriage despite unwise decisions.
A recent trend in premarital counseling (i'm a church counselor & marriage educator) shows more couples are living together before the wedding day. Its not just non-religious couples living together, some Christian couples are choosing to live together as well. They do not want to experience the horrors of divorce showcased by their parents, they believe it makes financial sense and they are testing sexual compatibility. A longer list of reasons is listed here though in small script. Here are some marriage myths as well - it's marriage friendly :)
Divorce statistics are consistently higher among couples who lived together before marriage. Researchers have listed some reasons here. If possible avoid serial cohabitation - statistics show women suffer the most. If a couple who cohabited before marriage stays married for 7 years, their chances of divorce revert to those of regular couples.
Good news - to give your relationship a great chance at marital satisfaction - consider marriage education, avoid serial cohabitation and pay attention to your spiritual needs as a couple.
Some couples feel premarital counseling means there's something wrong with their relationship. Premarital counseling and premarital education (skills-based instruction) are preventive measures for a relationship and they are worth every dime! Some marriage programs such as PREPARE-ENRICH have a component for couples living together (PREPARE CC) which helps with transitioning to marriage. If you are planning your wedding and are living together, you should definitely consider premarital education! There's always hope for a happy marriage despite unwise decisions.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Post Wedding Withdrawal Syndrome
So I've been checking out wedding sites and came across a couple of questions on post wedding withdrawal symptom. I experienced it after my own wedding in 2000. After the frenzy associated with planning a wedding, slowing down after the honeymoon can be rather disconcerting - wondering what to do with that diverted energy. A wise friend warned me to be on the lookout for post wedding blues and it really helped.
I'm not sure men experience it except a huge sigh of relief that the madness is over!!! Some common symptoms include still browsing your wedding planner, constant browsing of wedding magazines in the store, endlessly obsessing over what happened during the wedding, feelings of sadness and emptiness without the frenzy of planning, wondering if you are supposed to feel different now that you are married, panicking whether you made a mistake etc. Not all brides experience this but for those who do, it can be a worrying experience. Check back to see my post on how I dealt with it or post your own ideas how you coped.
I'm not sure men experience it except a huge sigh of relief that the madness is over!!! Some common symptoms include still browsing your wedding planner, constant browsing of wedding magazines in the store, endlessly obsessing over what happened during the wedding, feelings of sadness and emptiness without the frenzy of planning, wondering if you are supposed to feel different now that you are married, panicking whether you made a mistake etc. Not all brides experience this but for those who do, it can be a worrying experience. Check back to see my post on how I dealt with it or post your own ideas how you coped.
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