Setting Your "State of Our Union" Relationship Goals

My husband and I began setting "State of Our Union" goals back in January 2001 during our first year of marriage. Through the years, we've achieved some of the goals while others get moved to a new year. Every now and then we will drop off some goals from the list as circumstances change. The process is not meant to induce guilt, it gives you a new way forward to avoid the insanity of doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results!

Here's a draft on how to set up your "State of Our Union" goals. Feel free to modify your list and process:

1. Remind yourself Albert Einstein's quote "Insanity is doing the same things over and over while expecting different results."
2. Set aside at least an hour to an hour and a half. If you tend to have verbal fights over such discussions, make it a date and head out to a coffee joint or an outdoors location. A change of location erases excuses to keep repeating the same behavior. You will need at least four pieces of paper.
3. Each of you should write down on a blank piece of paper ten things you were grateful for about the past year. An attitude of gratitude reminds you there's always a silver lining in storm clouds. The thankful list can include your couple achievements, parenting, individual professional or spiritual achievements among others. 
4. Take turns sharing your individual "grateful list". It has the added benefit of reminding you positive events that you forgot because of a few bad ones. Limit your discussion to positive responses to maintain your thankful attitude.
5. Pull out two more pieces of paper and title it "Our Couple Goals For 2011" or whatever you prefer. Take turns suggesting shared goals for the year as one of you writes them down.
6. Describe your goals in a positive tone to avoid unnecessary fights or misunderstandings.  
7. Make your goals measurable - "spend more time together" becomes "spend more time together by reducing online activity, TV and having a weekly date night on Fridays". 
8. Make your goals achievable - "get a promotion at work" becomes "get a promotion at work through taking on more projects, bringing in more clients, making more sales etc. Then commit to research if you need additional training to achieve your professional goals.  
9. Make your goals realistic - "We will stop fighting" becomes "We will fight fair by learning how to disagree without disrespecting each other." Then go out to a bookstore and purchase a couple's book like "Fighting For Your Marriage" by Dr. Stanley among others. You can also sign up for a relationship class or a parenting class to improve your knowledge and behavior.
10. Pray over your new goals and sign the document together to signify your commitment and place it in an accessible place.
11. Set up a time to review your goals progress and reward yourselves. In our case we look at the list again in June (mid-year) to evaluate our progress. We celebrate achieved ones, move others to the next year, drop others off the list or commit to completing them before the end of the year.

There's inevitable disappointment when a major goal is not achieved but instead of avoiding the issue, sit down together and realistically discuss what you can change in the new year. One of our 2010 goals did not materialize and it was a source of great disappointment for us. We decided to move it to the new year and approach the issue from a different angle while realizing some of the moving parts were not in our control.

You cannot conquer what you do not face - chin up and work through it, your reward will be more than worth it! Thomas Edison shared that instead of failing 1000 times to create a light bulb, he discovered 1000 ways on how not to create a light bulb - perspective matters! On of the most motivating books that my husband bought for us is "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield.  If you are looking for a new book this year to motivate you, I recommend it.

I wish you a successful and joyful 2011!

Things I'm Thankful For About America As An Outsider

I'm diverging from my usual relationship posts this Thanksgiving season. There's much to be thankful for about America as someone who was born in another country and I wanted to write a list and share it with you. This is an appreciation of what America has meant to me:

1. You really can be anything and anyone you want to be! America rewards smart determination - it has rightfully earned the "land of opportunity" label. I have tons of friends who have lived their wildest success dreams because they worked hard and smart and dared to knock on doors that 'seemed' closed.
2. Americans do not let tragedies define them - they turn sorrow into action and benefit others in the process. I'm always touched by parents who start foundations in honor of a lost child, widows and widowers who take up causes to honor their late loved one and a nation that refuses to give up in adversity.
3. The American people are life changers around the world through their generosity with time and monetary donations to alleviate disease, poverty and hunger.
4. America is one of the most diverse countries in the world and despite our constant gripes, it has less discrimination on average than other European nations with similar diverse populations. I traveled extensively in as part of a gospel ensemble and got to meet Americans of all types and creeds besides living in two states.  Most Americans I've met care about the content of my heart and not how I look - unless of course its a fellow woman and we bond over shoes!
5. America is one of the few countries that rebuilds other countries after wars and thank God for NASA! I sure don't want a big asteroid making landfall unknown :)
6. I'm thankful for some American parenting experts that taught me disciplining a child without building a relationship results in their rebellion.
7. American children had the highest scores on confidence, add my two little sons to that score! I'm thankful that most parents teach their children not to cower in fear about the future but to approach it with hope, ideas, dreams and a determination to succeed.
8. I'm very thankful for freedom of religion even when some religions and practices go against established norms.
9. I'm thankful for American innovative technology that is changing the world and improving lives in Africa. Some IT corporations are doing incredible work in collaboration with innovative African IT specialists to blanket the continent with satellite, wireless and green technology.
10. I'm thankful for strong spirited arguments in favor of the consumer and a justice system that more often than not listens to the average person.
11. I'm thankful for the American Church that reaches around the world sharing God's love and changes lives through instilling hope, building hospitals, building schools, caring for orphans, widows and the ostracized. Most missionaries are a special breed of people!
12. Last but not least, I'm thankful for the strong spirited American black woman who has taught me as an African woman not to give up and to always keep a song in my spirit knowing that God will make it a brighter day tomorrow! They have fascinated me since I got those warm hugs in our first gospel tour in '94 and heard the phrase 'Child, God's gonna make it alright!"

What are you thankful for about America? I'm aware about the opposite argument to every point I listed above but I wanted to focus on the positive in this post. We never get to say thank you to our host nation, we often complain and yet we have a chance to just get out - ouch! So what's your opinion about my post? You have a right to it you know?

Helping Pastors With Struggling Marriages

Pastors and clergy struggling in their marriages often do not know where to turn for help. Their congregations are often ground zero and they fear that speaking out will lead to a loss of their ministry careers.  I've compiled some resources to help them below. A 2006 Pastors Marriage Survey report posted at The Center For Relationship Enrichment offers a sobering assessment of the difficulties they face: busyness, loneliness and unrealistic expectations. Recent examples of well known pastors dealing with marital landmines include Bishop Eddie Long, Pastor Benny Hinn, Pastor Juanita Bynum and Pastor Tedd Haggard among others. The video clip below shows Pastor Benny Hinn addressing tabloid pictures taken of him with Pastor Paula White this past summer.

In the second clip he talks about his bad judgement in letting Paula travel with him to Rome and his failed marriage. In the third clip he addresses how his sole focus on ministry hurt his children and marriage. He says he was wrong to preach that ministry comes before family. He speaks of the loneliness that faced him when he would come home to an empty house over the years. There are two sides to every story and his wife Suzanne has not spoken out yet. I bet her story would also include loneliness, being disregarded, lack of communication and emotional distance. I was moved by his honest self-evaluation and considered it a warning to other clergy busy working for God while ignoring their families.

Please note the majority of pastors and clergy are positively married without affairs or scandals. My goal is to highlight ideas that help them maintain healthy marriages. I am passionate about this topic because I am a music minister’s wife and a marriage educator. We don't excuse the foolish and hurtful decisions some clergy make, but we can help steer them in the right direction.

Here are some of my ideas and resources I came across online:

1.  If you are a pastor facing a marriage struggle, please call the confidential Pastors Care Line 877-233-4455.
2. If you live in South Florida check out the South Florida Christian Counselors Association for listings of professional licensed counselors. If you live outside Florida check out the American Association of Christian Counselors.
3. An additional counseling resource is the Marriage Friendly Therapists directory.
4. The Parsonage is pastors website with articles on date nights, ministry pressure, dealing with pornography, surviving crisis as a pastoral family, ministry wives, busyness, separation of church and mate etc. 
5. If your marriage is already on the brink of divorce, consider attending a Retrouvaille Program which caters to couples ready to walk out. They ask for donations versus payments.
6. Couples on the Brink is great resource here in South Florida - they offer emergency phone sessions for couples.
7. Care For Pastors is a great ministry that caters to pastors needs in tough times
8. Lois Evans, the wife of Dr. Tony Evans in Dallas, Texas has an incredible ministry for Pastors wives and she hosts the largest Annual Pastors Wives conference. 
9. Check out Pastor's Wives Thriving for great articles and honest forum discussions.
10. The church can sponsor the pastoral couple to a romantic getaway and designate a different leader whom members can contact in their absence.
11. If the church does not have an evening service on Sundays, consider it a day of rest for the Pastoral family as well!
12. If the Pastor has little children, offer or organize volunteers to baby-sit so they can enjoy date nights. 
13. The Pastor’s spouse is not the enemy, he/she has a God given responsibility to care for their spouse and has a right to their time away from church duties.
14. Do not facilitate or participate in an affair with your married pastor! Check out Dave Carder’s warning on friendships that lead to affairs and avoid that landmine!
15. Pastors are trained to be careful when counseling or otherwise being alone in seclusion with a member of the opposite sex where no else can verify their story. In my experience, spiritual crisis trigger emotional responses that can lead to foolish decisions.
16.  Here's a great article from pastors.com telling young pastors, their marriage is foundational to their ministry.
17. A book resource I found on Amazon is “I’m More Than The Pastor’s Wife: Authentic Living In A Fishbowl World” by Lorna Dobson.

I have avoided religious/doctrinal differences in this post and will delete responses that only dwell on that. I appreciate a robust discussion on how we can help our pastors and clergy focus on their own families. Please post your ideas and comments below.

Couples Who Laugh Together Stay Together?

Pastor and comedian Mark Gungor was a featured speaker at the grand finale of the South Florida Chick-Fil-A date night initiative. I knew about his work helping couples recapture laughter but had not seen him perform live, it was quite a treat! Some relationship/marriage seminars can leave you feeling guilty and doomed. Its refreshing to know you can learn great relationship skills while laughing insanely.



Mark Gungor's main presentation is a parody of the male versus female brain and how our differences create crossed lines of communication. If you watch or listen with an open mind, you learn why some fights are not worth having! Some of the material is gender stereotyped and that's what makes it so funny! Leave your politically correct mind at the door.

An article featured on NBC's 'Today Show' site, The Secret To A Happy Marriage?  had couples sharing how they incorporate laughter into their relationships. It has good tips such as saying "please & thank you" to planning date nights and not taking yourselves too seriously when things don't go as planned!

Last year, I attended a conference breakout session on helping couples to laugh and play together. It was the most fun I've had in awhile! My husband knows I'm a bit uptight about pranks and practical jokes and I learned we can find humor in all sorts of places. I've made a point of finding the humor behind some not so great moments. If your laughter as a couple has gone out of the window visit Mark Gungor's page at http://www.laughyourway.com/ for some great ideas on how to bring it back. The couple that laughs together, stays together.

Chick-Fil-A Hosting Monday Date Nights - Palm Beach & Martin Counties

Chick-Fil-A restaurants will be hosting Date Night Mondays during the month of August in Palm Beach and Martin Counties here in South Florida. I am thrilled about it because you get to take the "Couples Checkup" assessment tool for free! Check out the info at http://www.takethecheckup.com/.  I wanted to put some information together for couples wondering how this could benefit their relationship.

The date night is for any couple dating, engaged or married. Go into a Chick-Fil-A and buy a meal (typically $7 or less) - there will be a voucher code on the receipt which you will type into the website when prompted and take the check-up with your date for free (a $29.95 value)!

You can then print out your 20+ page report showing your relationship strengths and growth areas in over 10 categories. The Couple Check Up was created by Life Innovations company based on research with thousands of couples in the US and around the globe. The same company created the Prepare/Enrich assessment tool I currently use with couples. You can do the date nights without the free assessment however, you will gain more information about yourselves and what to talk about if you complete it.

The date nights are being hosted every Monday across all the restaurants in the two counties. When you go in on a Monday, you will receive a special "Date Night Menu" that will guide you and your date into a discussion on issues relating to your relationship. Here's the breakdown of the segments:

August 2nd - Love and Money
August 9th - Love Talk
August 16th - Love The Differences
August 23rd - Love Resolves
August 30th - Love Your Family

If you get stuck on one of the topics there will be volunteer Relationship/Marriage Coaches in each restaurant to help you along. My husband and I will be volunteering some of the nights here in Palm Beach County.

If you are an engaged couple you can use the free couple check-up tool and sign up for follow-up premarital counseling. The date nights are self-guided, the follow-up gives you practical tools, resources and material about the issues highlighted in your couples report.

Couples in town (Palm Beach, Broward, Martin) can sign up with me and I will give you the exact workbook that compliments your couple's report.

Happy Monday Date Nights at a Chick-Fil-A near you! Keep checking the date night site at http://www.takethecheckup.com/ for updates.

Scheduling Sex For Spontaneous Couples

I presented a workshop on Sexual Intimacy to wonderful group of church couples in Fort Lauderdale back in April and their reaction on scheduling sex was my initial reaction when I first heard about it! The words 'schedule' and 'sex' don't belong together to us spontaneous types. I was skeptical after hearing a family counselor present on it but I've come to believe the merits.  Many married couples are too busy juggling life, work, kids and extra-curricular activities to bond in the bedroom at the end of the day.

The argument against scheduling the 'do' is that it decreases the fun factor and makes it an obligation. This article "Many Couples Plan Ahead To Get It On" by ABC News features a discussion on that. I usually ask couples how often they were bonding sexually without any conscious scheduling. The response is universally "we do it when we do it" - in other words they often experienced infrequent sex which is okay if both partners are in agreement. Researchers state a marriage experiencing only 10 encounters in a year is a sex-starved marriage. If this is your case, talk to a local licensed therapist or check out http://www.smartmarriages.com/ for helpful resources.

Most couples struggle with the old age 'lack of time' problem, we should just be honest and say we haven't made the bedroom life a priority. We let everything else take first place in the marriage but relegate the important portion of sexual bonding to the back burner. I love what Michele Wiener Davis (a couple's therapist) tells couples - "Think of Nike and Just Do It"!

If your relationship is close to this category here are a few of my favorite resources/books on the topic.

Simply Romantic Nights (Vol 1) Kit: Igniting Passion in Your Marriage (Volume 1) - By Family Life

Crazy Good Sex: Putting to Bed the Myths Men Have about Sex by Les Parrott III

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis

A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God's Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Doug Rosenau

http://www.themarriagebed.com/ is a helpful site for faith-based couples       

I will post a follow-up on this one since I have to go into session in a few minutes.

When Close Girl Friends Relocate

My closest friend in town is relocating out of the country with her family and I'm surprised at just how sad I'm beginning to feel. The last time I felt this sense of loss was when my best friend/maid of honor relocated out of the country 9 years ago. 

Girls night out here in Florida this past January.

I had great girl friends in Dallas but relocating here meant losing face-to-face communication. I was yearning for a new sister-soul friendship. A friend who feels like your blood sister - you love them dearly, disagree hard when necessary but you almost can't live without them.  Part of it might be that I was the only girl growing up with brothers, my mother was incredible but I missed having a sister.

My new friendship here in Florida grew over the years and we started doing lunches at least once a month to chat about ourselves, God, marriage, motherhood, ministry, work and families in Kenya. I think the real reason I'm sad is the prospect of searching the town for another similar honest & meaningful friendship. I'm beginning to pray - not for a replacement but that I will be that friend to someone else.

Research shows that we women live longer because of our ability to emotionally connect and build a support group. On the other side, married men live longer than single men but pass away sooner if the wife dies because he has a hard time connecting emotionally to others. Lesson - cultivate healthy meaningful friendships!

I learned a couple of years back that husbands don't frankly have the stomach to sit through some of the gab we share with girl friends. It still bothers me when wives describe their husbands as their best friends - I know what they technically mean but I hope they are not trying to make a woman out of the husband. You get the drift - so here I am sitting, typing and praying that I will recognize when an old friend, a current acquintance or new friend becomes the next sister-soul honest meaningful friendship.

Mr. Good Enough and Interracial Dating

I came across Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough" while browsing at a local bookstore. I first read the page where she describes the impact of feminism on her  dating life and women in their 30's & 40's. It was hilarious, eye opening and realistic but boy did she stir a hornet's nest! Tons of letters poured in angry at her phrase "settling for Mr. Good Enough."

Unless you've read the book - don't knock it just yet. She is funny and has some great points like don't blow off a guy because he didn't fit all your top ten criteria. Don't ignore a man who is not on the career field you 'require' - he could turn out to be your Mr. Right. Her definition of "Mr. Good Enough" is a man who meets most of your criteria but not all of it. She sites examples of friends who ended up happily married despite having 'settled' for their Mr. Good Enough. Gottlieb regrets blowing off guys in her 20's who she thought were beneath her but now in her 40's thinks they would have been a great catch!




In the book "Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out" Karyn Langhorne Folan tackles the sensitive topic of black women and interracial dating. She reminds them to expand their dating options. For the full online article check out Washington Post. She describes the loyalty and guilt black women carry over the thought of dating outside the community. My take on it that you never know who God intended you marry until you take a step of faith and say yes to a coffee date. I dated outside my race prior to meeting my husband and though I did not get married to the guy, it was an enriching experience.

I got to know my husband when we did a US music tour with a Christian ministry band. He didn't fit all my list requirements because some were unrealistict! My only non-negotiable one was that he had to be a practicing Christian because I was involved in ministry. Other items on my list included being of the same tribe to avoid possible inter-tribal drama. I bet you didn't know that existed! God must have laughed when He heard my plans - I did not bring home a Kamba man - he was a Luo. We are celebrating 10 years of marriage this year and the blessing of our two sons. I'm so glad I didn't let expectations to marry within the tribe block me from a happy marriage.

Please note cultural differences can pull a couple apart if you are not prepared or realistic with your expectations. When you find your 'one' do attend some type of premarital counseling before your wedding. Your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Imam, Counselor or a trusted married couple would be a great place to start.   If you are looking for resources on how to have a happy marriage when you come from two different cultures email me at info@earlyfamilyyears.org and I'll email back some resources.

What's your story?

Baby Interruptus - Marriage After Babies

The birth of our first son launched my efforts to help young couples thrive in their first years of marriage. We now have two preschooler boys so the craziness of being a first time parent is waning but boy was it a ride! In between night feedings, mystery burps, checking the color of the baby's rear end 'product' and sleep time drama - romance and sex took a beating!

If women are honest, we resent men for not needing to recover from child birth. They are unaware of new hormonal changes that make us crave or hate them! We crave their hugs but resent that wondering hand suggesting more. I'm reading the book 'Baby Proofing Your Marriage' and these ladies were reading my mind! Its the most realistic book I've read on how couples act once they become parents.




Babies are the sweetest creatures on the planet, but they don't encourage romance! 'Baby interruptus' occurs when you are finally getting your groove on and your sleeping baby starts wailing! No 'happy ending' for either of you and that makes one cranky morning! Don't give up just yet, there is hope around the corner.

With a little humor and planning, you'll discover golden moments when the baby sleeps and you can finally spend some quality time together. Keeping a sense of humor is the greatest asset during your baby's first year. Learn to schedule your romance because spontaneity clashes with baby's little plans.

We also learnt, you MUST go on a date within a couple of weeks after baby's birth or adoption. Get a trusted friend, relative or a church "parents night out" to watch the baby. You need the sanity of stepping away for a moment and remembering you are a person with grown up needs craving grown up attention.

A sanity saving idea is to drop unrealistic expectations and welcome the word 'flexibility' to your home. If you are a nursing mom and constantly worried if the little one will take the bottle from someone else, get creative.  Plan to go on a date after the baby's bed time - you will avoid needing the sitter to feed him/her. A date night might also consist of feeding and bringing baby along on the date so she/he can sleep as you chat over your meal. There's no wrong or right way,  find out what works for you and your spouse and take care of your romantic lives!

Spending time away from the baby will greatly impact how you feel about romance in your marriage. Most husbands want to care for the baby but we cling to the duties like a badge of honor! Communication is the greatest asset you will have during the baby's first year - express what you need in clear specific terms. Your partner cannot read your mind! How have you dealt with your romantic life after giving birth?

Achieving Your 2010 Goals With The Change Model

Happy New 2010 and the start of a new decade! I checked the Merriam-Webster dictionary online and decided goals and resolutions should co-exist. It defines 'resolution' as 'a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent', it also describes it as 'the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones'. 'Goal' is defined as 'an end toward which effort is directed'. I am a goal setter and I work hard to achieve them throughout the year. If you are setting new goals or forwarding last year's goals to 2010, you need a game plan to achieve them.

Goals should be achievable and measurable in order to succeed. Write them down! Preferrably in a journal book that you keep in your home dresser or work desk so you can keep up with your progress. Break them into bits with months to measure your progress.

My favorite goals model is outlined in the Prepare/Enrich classes I teach engaged couples. 

The CHANGE model - achieving your goals 

C - Commit yourself to a specific goal.
My examples: Couples: Spending more time together away from the kids, Individuals: Spend more time with family or friends.

H - Habits ... break old and start new ones
Couples: Instead of slouching on the couch with a remote control, turn on some fun music, grab your spouse and ask them to dance with you, let the kids run around cleaning up to the beat of the music. Individuals: instead of ignoring your mother's call for the fifth time, send her a text message telling her you are okay and will call back soon - and do call back!

A - Action ... take one step at a time

Couples: Ask your parent friends to babysit or hire a babysitter from a local church, a teenager in the neighborhood, or call your local childcare resource. Individuals: Call your family/friends once a week and say you are checking in on them. Send a card or a text message to say you are thinking of them if you are pressed for time.

N - Never give up

Couples: If no one's available to babysit, don't give up. Plan a romantic in-home dinner when the baby/kids sleep, a scented candle, simple meal, low lights and smooth jazz will set in the mood as you wait for another time. Individuals: If you didn't communicate this week, try the next week - if your family/friends picked a fight with you, don't give up on trying to keep in touch.

G - Goal-oriented ... focus on the positive

Couples: The greatest gift for yourselves and your kids is a healthy relationship. If date night is not going so well, look at the positive and remember you are making an effort. Compliment your spouse for trying hard to plan a great night and start planning your next date night to avoid similar problems as the past one. Individuals: Focus on your efforts to talk to your mother though you are tired of the unsolicited advice on why you should date Joe/Jane in 2010. Give yourself a break for reaching out to family/friends despite a busy schedule.

E - Evaluate and reward yourself

Couples: Give each other a meaningful gift that does not necessarily require money. Coupons for a foot/body massage, coupon to watch a game or a show without being nagged, a coupon to have his/her favorite home cooked meal etc, a night out with the guys or a night out with the girls. Individuals: go out for a movie/dinner by yourself or with friends, upgrade your phone to one with features encouraging you to stay in touch.

Happy GOAL-SETTING in 2010! 

Keeping Your Joy During The Christmas Season

Over the last couple of years, the month of December has been catching me by 'surprise'. Its generally a whirlwind from November all through to the New Year with church events, our Positively Africa band shows, kids, work etc. I keep researching ways to keep my joy so I can actually celebrate the real reason for the Christmas season.

Some of my coping strategies:

1. I minimize watching shows on "must have" gifts to buy - obligatory shopping stresses me out!
2. We only put up decorations when its fun not because others have them up already!
3. Our preschooler son loves toys! In December we read a bedtime story about Jesus' birth from a kid's Christmas Bible which he loves. We remind him the holiday is about giving to God through giving to others - not just getting toys.
4. I play Christmas music and turn it off the minute I start getting stressful urges to shop :)
5. This year I'll give personalized meaningful gifts and cards that don't require a ton of spending
6. We are repackaging and wrapping some of my son's toys because he's forgotten he even had them! We'll only add at most 2 new toys that we've promised since October. We wish well-meaning people would STOP asking him what Santa is giving him for Christmas! 
7. I emotionally brace myself before making Christmas calls to Africa because I miss my brothers terribly  (mom died 2001). Through we talk every couple of weeks through the year & chat on facebook, the holiday season hits us the hardest. If you are calling long-distance family members, please remember, you cannot solve long standing family issues or the latest drama over the phone. Keep the call relevant and deflect mine field topics by redirecting the conversation or not contributing answers.
8. For those of us living far from family members (another continent), consider giving grocery vouchers, cell phone airtime, wire spending money, buy a goat, give school fees voucher, a current year picture album, a care package etc. Be sure to use a reputable company and read fine print on extra fees for buying from afar.
9. My husband and I put spending limits on our personal gifts - an example is each person spends $50 on the other - it makes it exciting to think creatively and not be bothered with extra bills after the holidays. I got into credit card trouble a couple of years back, we now use cash or debit cards (checking account). We are taking a Dave Ramsey money class and learned great tips on negotiating :)
10. We often go to the store the day after Christmas and buy any Christmas items we want for the next year at 70% discounts.

More Helpful Tips

1. If you are traveling to see your family, remember you cannot solve childhood family drama over apple cider or chai (tea) by the fireside! When confronted by family members we often react through the inner child and say regrettable things. Feel free to excuse yourself and take a walk when a discussion threatens to get out of hand, remind the person you want to enjoy your time with them not fight over the past.
2. Honestly discuss with your spouse/loved one concerns about get-togethers, that way you can both have each others back. Blood speaks to blood - don't unnecessarily confront your in-laws when their child (your spouse) is an expert on how to do it and get results. Avoid family emotional tug-of-wars.
3. If you are a foreign exchange or international student - please take advantage of the holiday programs offered by the university's international office. Most offer a holiday family exchange, holiday meal celebration and if not, please check with churches, faith-based ministries, religious centers, or nonprofit centers.

Additional Resources

Just Between Us - Holiday stress busters 
CBN Christmas Center - Faith based ideas and help
APA help center - Dealing with holiday stress and families
Mayo Clinic - 10 tips for coping with holiday stress or depression
American Hospice Foundation - Coping with grief during the holiday
University of Wisconsin - International student culture shock stress
International Student Ministry (Intervasity) - 20 Articles on coping in a new place
Coping With infertility and the holidays
Dealing with PTSD and the holiday season
Coping with homesickness for students

Prenatal Blues, Depression and Relationships

There seems to be more information available on postpartum depression (after pregnancy) than prenatal blues or depression (during pregnancy). In July 2008, I noticed unusual mood swings during my second pregnancy. The first trimester is often tiring due to the body adjusting to the baby, sleepiness, nausea, sickness, moodiness etc. I had also just completed fulltime grad school and was mentally exhausted. I got concerned because it was hard to tell the difference between academic burnout, pregnancy/prenatal blues and depression. I was also scared it might lead to postpartum depression after birth.

My symptoms of prenatal blues

I knew something was wrong with my mood swings but didn't want to talk about it. I felt run down, physically tired, nauseated, moody, sleepy in the afternoons and sleepless at night, grouchy, felt thrown off balance after grad school etc. I also felt bad I was not excited though we had planned the pregnancy and I craved a second baby. We had just put our then 2 year old son in preschool for two days a week and though feeling the blues, I still enjoyed playing with him and chatting with hubby. 

In searching for answers, I found an article in Today's Parent on prenatal blues in pregnancy. It said " But for a variety of reasons — including symptoms people confuse with other common pregnancy complaints or don’t associate with depression, a lack of education on the subject, and the stigma of mental health issues — prenatal mood disorders often go undiagnosed. Women themselves may not know something is wrong until either the fog lifts or the depression deepens and relationships buckle under the strain." 

 

According to the Baby Center's medical advisory board: You might be at risk for prenatal depression (stronger version of prenatal blues) if you have experienced the following: "Personal or family history of depression, Relationship difficulties, Fertility treatments, Previous pregnancy loss, Problems with your pregnancy, Stressful life events, Past history of abuse, Other risk factors. (young, single, or have an unplanned pregnancy)."

 

 

They also list the following symptoms of prenatal depression:

 

• A sense that nothing feels enjoyable or fun anymore
• Feeling blue, sad, or "empty" for most of the day, every day
• It's harder to concentrate
• Extreme irritability or agitation or excessive crying
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping all the time
• Extreme or never-ending fatigue
• A desire to eat all the time or not wanting to eat at all
• Inappropriate guilt or feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness

 

If you've experienced three or more of the following symptoms for more than two weeks, talk to your healthcare provider about whether you should see a therapist:

 

How did this affect the relationship with my husband?

I had a subtle attitude that let my hubby know I didn't want to talk about it. He also didn't know what to say to alleviate the moodiness because I was so touchy about the subject. I however, did not lose functionality - I still played with our preschooler and enjoyed hanging out with my hubby and close friends.

Here's what my husband did to help:

• He took up alot more of the housework
• He helped me avoid extra outside responsibilities - I could use him as an excuse to cancel unnecessary engagements or delegate to others.
• He made sure I planned lunch dates with close girlfriends for some therapeutic girl talk.
• He made dinner some nights so I would not have to smell the food - nausea, mood swings and exhaustion don't mix well :)
• He avoided pressuring me to talk about it until I was ready to explain what I was feeling. However, I didn't just clam up - I tried to keep him updated on some of what I was thinking or feeling.
• He pushed me to take outdoor walks near the park and a close beach to refresh my mind.
• He played with our older son or took him to the park so I could have rest periods.

Reaching out for help

 

My mood lifted during the second trimester - I regained some energy and wasn't feeling as emotionally run down. This is what confirmed my self-diagnosis of prenatal blues. My mistake however was that I did not tell my Obgyn about it. I had just switched and was still feeling her out - didn't want them to send alarm bells all over my medical records.

 

I considered seeing a counselor but didn't get around to booking the appointment - a mistake that prolonged my anxiety over the moods. I did however talk to girl friends. If you are experiencing prenatal blues or prenatal depression, please talk to your doctor. Treatment according to the experts includes counseling/psychotherapy and/or sometimes antidepressants.

  

Ways to prevent prenatal/pregnancy depression - according to Baby Center:

 

I am a huge fan of babycenter and have subscribed to their online newsletters since the birth of my first son in 2005. Here's the list:

• Take it easy - There's stuff to be done but taking care of you and the baby is more important
• Bond with your partner - Your loved one cares about you. If you are in a relationship with someone who might endanger your life, please reach out to a trusted friend or call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE for help.
• Talk it out - with partner, friends & family
• Manage your stress - Easier said than done :) Give yourself breaks, exercise even if its taking walks around the block & park, eat well - if you can keep it down :)
• Join an online pregnant mom's group is my personal advice.

Preventing prenatal blues or depression from turning to post partum depression

 

This was my greatest fear because I got baby blues the first night I brought my older son home back in 2005. I couldn't stop crying because I thought the house was not clean enough, I was in pain from an episiotomy, couldn't cook and my hormones were raging. I called my angel friend Ruth and couldn't talk through the tears - so my panicked hubby talked to her and she showed up at 10.30pm! She brought dinner and stayed and talked with me until 1am - what a friend! She left her hubby and son home to be there for us. I learned my lesson about arranging for outside support when family lives far away or in another continent in our case.

 

Here's what I learned and did to avoid post baby depression:

• Arrange for support before you go to the hospital - someone to help clean the house, dishes, laundry if possible. That way you'll avoid the super mom syndrome that hits right after birth!
• Have another female available to talk to - priceless! our female friends who are mothers will gently remind us to take it easy, we have 18 years to try get it right :)
• Allow your spouse or partner to help you - stop micromanaging what they do. They might not wipe the counter in the same direction as you do but it gets cleaned. Major in the majors and ignore the minors.
• You are not superwoman or supermom - Its okay not to have the house spotlessly clean - the baby is not crawling yet:) Ask your spouse, friend or family to help, if not look for volunteer doulas who help new mothers.
• Arrange for help with older siblings - To avoid feeling overwhelmed and super guilty!
• Call that number the pediatrician gave you - if it will ease your mind, call the number or the nurses hotline and ask questions about your newborn baby. You are not the first mom to do that.
• Take time out for yourself - have your spouse, friend or relative watch the baby while you take a long luxurious shower, watch a show you like without interruption, talk on the phone with friends or family, read a magazine, take a short walk if you can etc.
• Join a local moms support group - its not a sign of weakness, you will get the most incredible ideas! My favorite group is MOPs International I once ran and belonged to one. There are other moms groups - checkout http://www.charmpost.com/ or South Florida Parenting if you live here in South Florida.  

 If you are currently pregnant - I hope this article helps you navigate this wonderful, exhausting, happy, moody, maddening, craving,  feeling fat (I did), glowing beautiful time in your life. Please share the tips with your hubby or partner, family, friend so they can support you.

So You Want To Be a Work-At-Home Mom

I discovered Jill Hart's website for Christian Work At Home Moms right after I decided to stay home while going to grad school in 2006. I had just given birth to our first son (2005) and I was overwhelmed trying to juggle 4 fulltime roles. I had a talk with my hubby and he supported my decision to attend grad school fulltime in the evenings while caring for our son in the daytime. I surfed the web, found Jill's site and subscribed to her newsletter. It was such a blessing to learn from moms who had transitioned to a home office. I eventually became a part-time behavior therapist contractor and a church counselor while staying home. I finally emailed Jill in March when our second son was 3 weeks old to let her know how much I appreciated her newsletter & website. Her new book with Diana Ennen, "So You Want To Be A Work-At-Home Mom" is out. I'm excited about the book since I still have all these roles to play in life :)

Here's some info from her site:

Home-based businesses are estimated to be a $427 billion-a-year industry. In recent studies it was found that as many as 105 million people in North America alone were working at home. Considering this information, it is obvious that home-based businesses can be successful and authors Jill Hart and Diana Ennen will help you succeed with your own. So You Want to Be a Work-at-Home Mom details all the basics of starting a business in a spiritual, motivational, and comprehensive manner. From deciding what type of business to start to keeping your family and faith first, this helpful tool details every aspect of establishing a business. With proven success tips utilized by the authors and others who own work-at-home businesses, this inspiration approach will provide you with the resources you need to start your own home-based business. So You Want to Be a Work-at-Home Mom includes: * Detailed information on types of businesses to start * Ideas and assistance for setting up, operating, and marketing your business * Definitions and descriptions of work-at-home terminology and processes * Help for developing your Website * Explanations of the business nuts and bolts, including bookkeeping, taxes, and more About the Authors JILL HART is the founder of Christian Work at Home Moms, CWAHM.com. Jill is a co-author of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom. Jill has published many articles and is a contributing author in Laundry Tales, The Business Mom Guide Book, I'll Be Home for Christmas, and Faith Deployed. She holds a bachelor's degree in human development and family studies. Learn more about working from home at http://www.cwahm.com/work-at-home/ . DIANA ENNEN has been a leader and mentor in the work-at-home industry since starting her business, Virtual Word Publishing, in 1985. She is the author of many books, including Virtual Assistant the Series; Become a Highly Successful, Sought After VA and Words from Home: Start, Run, and Profit from a Home-Based Word Processing Business. She resides in Margate, Florida, with her husband and their three children. Below is an interview with the authors of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom – Jill & Diana. If have questions they are happy to answer your questions anytime. Leave a comment below or email Jill@cwahm.com or Diana@virtualwordpublishing.com How long have you been working at home? Jill Hart - I've been working at home since 2000. I had to go back to work full-time for a brief period in 2003 when my husband got out of the Air Force. At that point I got even more serious about making my business work and I've been home full-time since then. Diana Ennen – I’ve been working at home since 1985, when my son was born. He’s now graduated college and already working towards his own career. I absolutely love it. I can’t imagine doing anything else. What types of businesses do you operate? Jill Hart – I run Christian Work at Home Moms, CWAHM.com, a website full of free resources, job listings and information about home businesses. I also write articles and books (yes, more books to come!) and am a blogger for sites like Time/Warner's Christian Momlogic.com and a member of the Guideposts blogger team Diana Ennen– I’m the President of Virtual Word Publishing. I’m a virtual assistant and specialize in marketing & publicity. I’ve also written numerous books on how to start a VA business and offer PR and VA Coaching. Tell us about your book? How do you think it can benefit those who want to start a business? Jill Hart - The book has been such a "God thing." He orchestrated the entire sequence of events - from putting Diana and I together as co-authors to bringing us to the right publisher. The book is a hands-on practical guide for anyone who wants to build a business from home. We cover topics ranging from how to select the right type of business for you, to how to get started, to how to market and grow your business. Diana Ennen - I think one of the best features of our book is that it’s not only informative, but motivational as well. You’ll feel like friends are helping you on your journey to success. Also, we discuss numerous types of businesses to start and provide proven methods to achieve success. We also often hear how starting a business can be so overwhelming. That’s why we pay special attention to all the how tos. We feel very confident our book will help, not only those starting a business, but those already in business wanting to expand it. What types of businesses are featured in your book? Jill Hart - We have such a great range of contributors - everything from direct sales companies like Southern Living at Home and Avon to unique product-driven businesses like BSM Media and GrillCharms. These woman are amazing and give readers a great insight into how they've grown their businesses in very different ways. Diana Ennen - We cover everything from direct sales companies to specialized areas such as medical transcription and virtual assisting. Also, Jill shares detailed information on starting a community based membership site. We think you’ll get a lot of helpful tips too from such work-at-home powerhouses as Maria Bailey and Lesley Spencer Pyle. Do you have any tips for success for Christian entrepreneurs that you’d like to share? Jill Hart - I think my favorite tip - shared with me by one of our contributors, Tammy Degenhart, almost ten years ago is that working together benefits everyone. She told me, "Jill, what you give to others God brings back tenfold" and I've seen that hold true time and time again. It may not be in financial gains and it may not look like what we expected but God is so faithful in that when we work together there is no competition - it's a win-win situation. Diana Ennen - Do what you believe in and use your own skills and prior experience to find the business that’s just right for you. Research/Research/Research. The more you research, the better your business. Continue to market and be out there. So many once they find a few clients stop marketing. You need to get out there continually. You then become the go to person when someone needs services or products that you offer. What are some of the challenges that you see with those starting or operating a business? Jill Hart – In my experience, I've talked with many women who get frustrated because success doesn't come easily or quickly. Working from home may sound easy, but in reality it can actually be just as hard as working outside the home. There are many unique challenges, especially when working at home while raising children. If women don't prepare themselves, they can become discouraged and disheartened. Diana Ennen– One of the major challenges I see is losing belief in yourself that you can do it. That’s why I think a faith-based book will be so beneficial. Even when times get tough, you can rely on your faith to forge ahead. With the economy, do you believe it’s still a good time to start a business? Why? Jill Hart – I think it's a better time than ever. The internet is so much more widely used than it was even nine years ago when I began my website. If people do their research and find a company that fits them as well as their budget this can be a great time to break into the work-at-home field. Diana Ennen – Absolutely. In fact, I think there’s never been a better time. You might have to work a little harder, but it absolutely can be done. Plus, there are so many businesses who need us more than ever because of the economy. For example, with virtual assistants because businesses are downsizing they are seeking the help of a VA to help on an as needed basis. Your book is written from a Christian perspective? Tell us a little about that and how you feel that makes it so unique? Jill Hart – My faith is central to who I am and therefore central to my business. I began Christian Work at Home Moms because I wanted women to have a safe place where they could discuss not only business things, but also talk about an area that doesn't get talked about a lot in business circles - how our faith affects our businesses. The book is written in a way that doesn't hit anyone over the head with our faith, but it's true to who we are and talks about things from the vantage point that we see life - through the lens of our faith. Diana Ennen – There are so many books out there today on starting a business. However, few have the Christian mom in mind. We provide a lot of scriptures and examples of how you can use your faith to help you. Our hope is that not only will your business thrive, but it might just give a little boost to your faith as well. Learn more about the book at Beacon Hill Press or SoYouWantToBeAWAHM.com.

My disclosure - I will benefit for letting you know about the book. I still would have let you know about it anyway because it was so instrumental in helping me transition to a home-based office.

Sex-starved marriages - Rabbi Shmuley & others

The most frequent question asked during premarital classes is how often a married couple should have sex in a week. I've been catching clips of Rabbi Shmuley on different shows and I was intrigued about his quest to have couples reconnect sexually. His stats on married couples are dead on. Couples with little children have the least amount of sex for obvious reasons - exhaustion, busyness, lack of privacy (lack of boundaries) among others. Here's a video clip where the Rabbi was discussing his concept on Kosher Sutra. There I wrote it and I'm turning purple :)





There are a ton of great resources for couples struggling sexually through low libido or other reasons. Besides the Rabbi's insights, there's also Michelle-Weiner Davis's site on the sex-starved wife and needless to say, some husbands are simply not in the mood!

Finally my favorite article that I often pass to couples in class was an interview with Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg on keeping sex fun. It has a list of 13 items that I cannot repeat on this blog or I will surely never regain my complexion! Yet, I find it easy to discuss it face to face - go figure :)


Sex-starved marriages cannot be healed in a blog post:) The goal is to start a discussion among couples with a few pointers on what experts are saying. I will do an additional post on what experts say about regaining sexual momentum when you have little ones at home. That's my 'neck of the woods' to quote the great Al Roker :)

If you are accessing this post on a feed to a social site please post your comments here on the blog to benefit other readers.

Shamelessly Facilitating Affairs For Married Couples

My husband and I were watching a show two nights ago when this ad encouraging married couples to cheat on their spouses came on during break. It tells a married man that he can get away from a one night stand but cannot get away from his wife - the ad then posts a website where he can have an affair. CNN interviewed one of the company's executives below.



When I figured out what it was, I was livid! Apparently, the company owners care less about plunging families into the hell hole of divorce proceedings. Those of you who read my blogs last fall know how passionate I get on some issues and this is one of them. I will actively log complaints with the local TV stations about the ad the moment I see it again. Keep tuned, I will update the post on which local channels in Palm Beach County run the ad. TV stations only listen to ratings increase or decrease due to gains or loss of viewers.

I understand sentiments that married adults have affairs without being urged by an ad so why get bothered. I'm bothered because those of us in the marriage/family field see the devastation caused by affairs. They are not casual flings, there's always a victim and for a company to blatantly profit from such misery simply appalling. Yes, I know capitalism blesses the shrewd regardless of trade - try telling that to Uncle Sam. As a matter of fact, this company should be prosecuted for encouraging prostitution and probably facilitating it. It actually serves as an online pimp, that ought to perk up some law enforcement ears and online regulatory review boards.

19 Signs of Close Call Friendships - Affairs

I recently heard Dave Carder present on "Close Calls", 19 signs that a friendship will potentially lead to an affair. It was at the 2009 Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando. I have never heard anybody articulate how well meaning people wind up in affairs as well as he did. Affairs are often the result of a dangerous partner profile, an old flame "the ex" or platonic friendships that become close call friendships. Here are the signs to watch out for on friendships:

1. You save topics of conversation only for this friend
2. You share spousal difficulties with them - a form of criticism towards your spouse "you are a woman, help me understand how this works"
3. Your friend shares his/her relationship difficulties with you
4. You anticipate seeing your friend more than your spouse (we tend to see our spouses at the 2 worst times in the day - the morning rush and the evening exhaustion)
5. You begin comparing your spouse to your friend
6. You show more concern about your friend than your spouse
7. You provide special treats for your friend
8. You fantasize about marriage with this friend
9. You spend more time alone with this friend than your spouse
10. Your spouse does not have access to all your conversations (cell phone, texts, social media etc)
11. You spend money on your friend without your spouse's knowledge
12. You begin having conflicts with your spouse over this friendship
13. You lie to spend more time with this friend (go to work early, stay late, Bible study, praise band etc)
14. You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse (don't smile at me at the get-together, church cookout, etc my husband/wife is watching)
15.You accuse your spouse of being jealous when he/she brings up the friendship
16. You develop special rituals with your friend - which you both highly anticipate
17. Your friend shares feelings or touches you and you inwardly response - inner shiver
18. Sexual content becomes a part of your conversations
19. You do corporate dating - you are both participating in business travel for your company, church ministry etc where you get entertained, eat, drink and stay in the same hotel.

Dave Carder also shared that the dangerous partner profile is an individual who's personality, character and interests fit with our own needs or something lacking from our marriage. The 'old flame'/ex-factor is a problem because we already had feelings for them in the past. Calling them to meet a current need e.g. financial difficulties can lead to an affair. Lesson in all this, value your marriage and start talking to your spouse about any unmet needs in your relationship. Seek help through attending marriage enrichment workshops or a family therapist. If you need to find a relationship class or a marriage enrichment workshop in Palm Beach County or Broward send an email to info@earlyfamilyyears.org to learn about Relationship Classes & Enrichment Sessions. If you live elsewhere in Florida or outside the State, I will try my level best to direct you to a nearby resource.

Commitment and Political Affairs - Sanford and Others

What a strange week that ended? First it was the worrying news of the missing Governor Sanford from South Carolina who turned up to have been 'crying in Argentina' over his affair with an Argentinian reporter. Then the sad and expected death of Farah Fawcett followed by the shocking and sudden death of Michael Jackson - our generation's Elvis. The previous week brought news of Senator Ensign's affair with a staffer and the riveting TLC show where Jon & Kate announced their coming divorce. Anyone else feeling infidelity/heartbreak fatigue? This is enough to make the most positive person swear off relationships and especially marriage. If you are being affected by infidelity, you can check out Beyond Affairs (BAN) support groups.

I love the updated 2009 Prepare/Enrich marriage education program which includes a section asking couples "Commitment" questions. I'm currently using the program with engaged couples and appreciate leading them through these difficult questions before they commit to each other for life. Affairs are nothing new and unfortunately don't seem to surprise anyone anymore. I would encourage engaged couples to openly ask each other what their stance on fidelity is in the relationship. Some are shocked to discover their partner does not believe in staying monogamous for the rest of their relationship/marriage. If you are seeking someone who believes in remaining sexually faithful to you, you need to voice that before walking down the aisle. Don't just assume your partner understands your stance on fidelity. By the way, women are increasingly having affairs and so this is not a gender specific issue. Do ask and Do tell your stance on faithfulness.

How We Handle Conflict Determines Relationship Survival

How we handle conflict in our relationships determines whether the dating relationship or marriage will survive. Back in Kenya, I knew pastors who would not marry a couple unless they had fought once or more in their courtship. They were determined to establish that couples knew how to handle inevitable conflict that would arise in the relationship. Fighting is normal and a healthy part of relationships - how we fight however, makes the difference.

When I was dating my husband back in the 90's, I mistakenly believed if he loved me his opinions would mirror mine on issues. If we fought about anything, I expected him to immediately agree with my point of view without realizing he was a separate being with separate thoughts and opinions. I studied alot of relationship books on communication and began to see the error of my methods but old habits die hard. We dated for four years and it wasn't until our second year of marriage that I got the hang of fighting fair and learned to respect his opinion in the fight.

In my premarital education work, the couples who show extremely low scores on conflict resolution tend to have the toughest time adjusting to marriage, struggle with abuse issues and/or dissolve the marriage. I have become even more committed to asking couples to postpone their wedding ceremony if they want to save their future marriage. If there are unresolved issues causing conflict during dating, the same issues will be magnified in marriage with stronger consequences. Don't ignore warning signs - they are similar to yellow lights turning red on your relationship.

Name calling, yelling, belittling and threatening do not solve conflicts. We've all yelled at some point, the problem is what words we yell because we can't take them back. Yelling is sometimes equating to blowing off steam but is hardly ever constructive. I can't recall who taught my husband and I to use our pet names for each other while fighting but its worked over the years. Its hard for me to attack his character and the essence of his being while yelling "honey - you are such a bla bla bla". Oh, we do fight - trust me on that one. We both have strong opinions and believe in expressing them when necessary but we have fighting rules that keep us in check so we don't destroy each other with careless nuclear words.

Our fighting rules run along lines of: stick to the issue at hand, do not drudge up old fights, identify on a scale how vital the issue is to both of you, 1 - not a big deal to 10 - over my dead body. I love Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot's conflict card and have used it in our marriage and with couples. Avoid name calling and nuclear words (maximizes emotional damage), do not threaten break-up/divorce - it only makes the situation worse, introduces the bailout option and unless you mean it becomes an empty threat. Feel free to call a time-out and postpone the fight if its unproductive and not solving the original issue causing conflict. Agree to bring up the issue for example on Saturday morning when you jog together because you will be less emotional, more logical and open to seeing it through the other's eyes. It sounds impossible but it works, my husband or I will say "lets talk about this another time/Friday" etc or "I can't talk about this right now" which is a code word meaning we will not have a productive end to our fight.

Agree on a code word to indicate when the fight is escalating beyond repair - when one of you uses it, its time to take a step back, walk out of the room/house or shut yourself in a room to cool off. The time-out concept only works if you are both committed to discussing the issue at an agreed future date - otherwise it becomes a cop-out. Do not use physical force on each other - a small shove can easily escalate into violence. When all else fails, involve a third party - seek professional help if the issue you are trying to resolve remains unsolved, is causing considerable tension in your relationship and is threatening your marriage. Avoid trying to shame your partner by describing the issue in lurid details to close friends and family who you hope will put pressure on him/her. True friends will try to be objective and call you out on mistakes. When you make up with your partner, you want him/her to be able to face your friends and family. Think ahead and remember you love this person, you are not trying to destroy them.

If you are reading this portion and you are in a physically abusive relationship please call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Your situation requires professional help - your safety and that of your children is of utmost importance. They will do crisis intervention and connect you to local domestic violence shelters in your community.

Some great resources on conflict resolution that I personally use or refer to my couples are Real Relationships (great video clips), Family Life, Marriage Builders and the classes I offer for premarital education and marriage enrichment. Happy fighting to you and may you achieve productive results!

Jon & Kate plus 8 - Back Off This Couple!

I recorded last night's season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 for the first time ever! I've watched about 15 episodes before but never used to record them. I'm in my 30's married with two boys and relationships are tough period. I cannot imagine juggling marriage, 8 kids, TV series, book signings, speaking tours, stay at home dad etc and having it all go smoothly. Did Jon make a mistake? Yes! Is Kate too hard on him? Yes! My unimportant opinion - BACK OFF THIS COUPLE and let them salvage their marriage.

For some crazy reason, folks seem to be salivating at the prospects of a divorce. Half the people giving opinions on TV, in magazines and online are they themselves victims, causers or children of divorce. They know the hurt surrounding the issue, instead of hoping for the worst in a twisted way, back off this family and send them encouraging vibes, notes, comments etc. Jon is not the first husband to do something stupid/flirt with other women/cheat if he did, Kate is not the first wife to nag and belittle her husband. Talk to any marriage therapist - couples do alot worse and still manage to make their marriage work. THERE IS HOPE people! Stop wishing Jon & Kate ill - wish them well as they huddle through a tough period in their marriage. I learned about Michele Weiner-Davis' work while in grad school and her emphasis on giving couples hope through any situation is incredible. Jon & Kate are not as badly off as some in the media would have us believe, their marriage does not have to collapse if only one of them is willing to work on it.

I am strangely attached to Jon & Kate because they are in my Generation X cohort. We consider marriage an egalitarian affair where both partners put in equal effort or appear to put in equal effort, our relationship roles are based on gifting and not gender etc - the wife might be better at family finances, the husband might be a better cook/cleaner. We have also left corporate America in droves to stay home with our children despite having advanced degrees etc. We strongly believe in the wellbeing of our children to a fault - hence the debate over excessive 'self-esteemed' children. Back to the show.

My heart broke last night watching the pain they are going through trying to sort their feelings, their responsibilities as parents, their marriage relationship and a hounding media all at the same time. I have serious reservations about the way Kate treats Jon on the show, but I learned the show is only taped 3 days a week and its edited down to an hour. They probably don't show the times she's decent with him. Jon is always potrayed as the docile 'yes, dear' kind of husband and loving dad, maybe the other 4 days of the week - he actually yells back and takes charge in decision making. In other words - its a TV show - we don't see everything! I don't let Kate's behavior towards him off the hook - it bothers me a great deal and my husband will not watch the show after seeing her talk to Jon in only one episode. I also believe Jon (unless its edited that way) should take more charge and speak up on his needs etc.

I have no earthly idea how they will pull off saving their marriage, raising the kids, working while hounded by the media and our incessant comments. Some folks suggested the show should be cancelled, that's a knee jerk reaction. It's a great teaching moment if the producers edit accurately and fairly. I hope they are seeing a marriage friendly marriage therapist instead of one who will tell them to split because "their happiness" is too important. I also believe they might benefit from taking a couple's vacation just the two of them to reconnect emotionally.

Life is tough and tough choices sometimes require happiness tied to happenings to take a back burner to important decisions that will shape the destiny of our families. I'm not sure they should show any episode with the therapist if they are seeing one. In my books - they should do whatever it takes to save the marriage. In the meantime, I am in their corner, cheering them on towards healing in their relationship. I haven't focused on the kids because the naysayers are using them as bait and yelping without considering this - the greatest gift to our children is seeing their parents attempt to make their marriage work and thrive.