Relationship Check-up

Setting Your "State of Our Union" Relationship Goals

2010-12-31T23:20:00.001-05:00

My husband and I began setting "State of Our Union" goals back in January 2001 during our first year of marriage. Through the years, we've achieved some of the goals while others get moved to a new year. Every now and then we will drop off some goals from the list as circumstances change. The process is not meant to induce guilt, it gives you a new way forward to avoid the insanity of doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results!

Here's a draft on how to set up your "State of Our Union" goals. Feel free to modify your list and process:

Remind yourself Albert Einstein's quote "Insanity is doing the same things over and over while expecting different results."
Set aside at least an hour to an hour and a half. If you tend to have verbal fights over such discussions, make it a date and head out to a coffee joint or an outdoors location. A change of location erases excuses to keep repeating the same behavior. You will need at least four pieces of paper.
Each of you should write down on a blank piece of paper ten things you were grateful for about the past year. An attitude of gratitude reminds you there's always a silver lining in storm clouds. The thankful list can include your couple achievements, parenting, individual professional or spiritual achievements among others.
Take turns sharing your individual "grateful list". It has the added benefit of reminding you positive events that you forgot because of a few bad ones. Limit your discussion to positive responses to maintain your thankful attitude.
Pull out two more pieces of paper and title it "Our Couple Goals For 2011" or whatever you prefer. Take turns suggesting shared goals for the year as one of you writes them down.
Describe your goals in a positive tone to avoid unnecessary fights or misunderstandings.
Make your goals measurable - "spend more time together" becomes "spend more time together by reducing online activity, TV and having a weekly date night on Fridays".
Make your goals achievable - "get a promotion at work" becomes "get a promotion at work through taking on more projects, bringing in more clients, making more sales etc. Then commit to research if you need additional training to achieve your professional goals.
Make your goals realistic - "We will stop fighting" becomes "We will fight fair by learning how to disagree without disrespecting each other." Then go out to a bookstore and purchase a couple's book like "Fighting For Your Marriage" by Dr. Stanley among others. You can also sign up for a relationship class or a parenting class to improve your knowledge and behavior.
Pray over your new goals and sign the document together to signify your commitment and place it in an accessible place.
Set up a time to review your goals progress and reward yourselves. In our case we look at the list again in June (mid-year) to evaluate our progress. We celebrate achieved ones, move others to the next year, drop others off the list or commit to completing them before the end of the year.

There's inevitable disappointment when a major goal is not achieved but instead of avoiding the issue, sit down together and realistically discuss what you can change in the new year. One of our 2010 goals did not materialize and it was a source of great disappointment for us. We decided to move it to the new year and approach the issue from a different angle while realizing some of the moving parts were not in our control.

You cannot conquer what you do not face - chin up and work through it, your reward will be more than worth it! Thomas Edison shared that instead of failing 1000 times to create a light bulb, he discovered 1000 ways on how not to create a light bulb - perspective matters! On of the most motivating books that my husband bought for us is "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield. If you are looking for a new book this year to motivate you, I recommend it.

I wish you a successful and joyful 2011!

Things I'm Thankful For About America As An Outsider

2010-11-30T23:59:00.003-05:00

I'm diverging from my usual relationship posts this Thanksgiving season. There's much to be thankful for about America as someone who was born in another country and I wanted to write a list and share it with you. This is an appreciation of what America has meant to me:

You really can be anything and anyone you want to be! America rewards smart determination - it has rightfully earned the "land of opportunity" label. I have tons of friends who have lived their wildest success dreams because they worked hard and smart and dared to knock on doors that 'seemed' closed.
Americans do not let tragedies define them - they turn sorrow into action and benefit others in the process. I'm always touched by parents who start foundations in honor of a lost child, widows and widowers who take up causes to honor their late loved one and a nation that refuses to give up in adversity.
The American people are life changers around the world through their generosity with time and monetary donations to alleviate disease, poverty and hunger.
America is one of the most diverse countries in the world and despite our constant gripes, it has less discrimination on average than other European nations with similar diverse populations. I traveled extensively in as part of a gospel ensemble and got to meet Americans of all types and creeds besides living in two states. Most Americans I've met care about the content of my heart and not how I look - unless of course its a fellow woman and we bond over shoes!
America is one of the few countries that rebuilds other countries after wars and thank God for NASA! I sure don't want a big asteroid making landfall unknown :)
I'm thankful for some American parenting experts that taught me disciplining a child without building a relationship results in their rebellion.
American children had the highest scores on confidence, add my two little sons to that score! I'm thankful that most parents teach their children not to cower in fear about the future but to approach it with hope, ideas, dreams and a determination to succeed.
I'm very thankful for freedom of religion even when some religions and practices go against established norms.
I'm thankful for American innovative technology that is changing the world and improving lives in Africa. Some IT corporations are doing incredible work in collaboration with innovative African IT specialists to blanket the continent with satellite, wireless and green technology.
I'm thankful for strong spirited arguments in favor of the consumer and a justice system that more often than not listens to the average person.
I'm thankful for the American Church that reaches around the world sharing God's love and changes lives through instilling hope, building hospitals, building schools, caring for orphans, widows and the ostracized. Most missionaries are a special breed of people!
Last but not least, I'm thankful for the strong spirited American black woman who has taught me as an African woman not to give up and to always keep a song in my spirit knowing that God will make it a brighter day tomorrow! They have fascinated me since I got those warm hugs in our first gospel tour in '94 and heard the phrase 'Child, God's gonna make it alright!"

What are you thankful for about America? I'm aware about the opposite argument to every point I listed above but I wanted to focus on the positive in this post. We never get to say thank you to our host nation, we often complain and yet we have a chance to just get out - ouch! So what's your opinion about my post? You have a right to it you know?

Helping Pastors With Struggling Marriages

2010-10-27T18:44:00.004-04:00

Pastors and clergy struggling in their marriages often do not know where to turn for help. Their congregations are often ground zero and they fear that speaking out will lead to a loss of their ministry careers. I've compiled some resources to help them below. A 2006 Pastors Marriage Survey report posted at The Center For Relationship Enrichment offers a sobering assessment of the difficulties they face: busyness, loneliness and unrealistic expectations. Recent examples of well known pastors dealing with marital landmines include Bishop Eddie Long, Pastor Benny Hinn, Pastor Juanita Bynum and Pastor Tedd Haggard among others. The video clip below shows Pastor Benny Hinn addressing tabloid pictures taken of him with Pastor Paula White this past summer.

In the second clip he talks about his bad judgement in letting Paula travel with him to Rome and his failed marriage. In the third clip he addresses how his sole focus on ministry hurt his children and marriage. He says he was wrong to preach that ministry comes before family. He speaks of the loneliness that faced him when he would come home to an empty house over the years. There are two sides to every story and his wife Suzanne has not spoken out yet. I bet her story would also include loneliness, being disregarded, lack of communication and emotional distance. I was moved by his honest self-evaluation and considered it a warning to other clergy busy working for God while ignoring their families.

Please note the majority of pastors and clergy are positively married without affairs or scandals. My goal is to highlight ideas that help them maintain healthy marriages. I am passionate about this topic because I am a music minister’s wife and a marriage educator. We don't excuse the foolish and hurtful decisions some clergy make, but we can help steer them in the right direction.

Here are some of my ideas and resources I came across online:

If you are a pastor facing a marriage struggle, please call the confidential Pastors Care Line 877-233-4455.
If you live in South Florida check out the South Florida Christian Counselors Association for listings of professional licensed counselors. If you live outside Florida check out the American Association of Christian Counselors.
An additional counseling resource is the Marriage Friendly Therapists directory.
The Parsonage is pastors website with articles on date nights, ministry pressure, dealing with pornography, surviving crisis as a pastoral family, ministry wives, busyness, separation of church and mate etc.
If your marriage is already on the brink of divorce, consider attending a Retrouvaille Program which caters to couples ready to walk out. They ask for donations versus payments.
Couples on the Brink is great resource here in South Florida - they offer emergency phone sessions for couples.
Care For Pastors is a great ministry that caters to pastors needs in tough times
Lois Evans, the wife of Dr. Tony Evans in Dallas, Texas has an incredible ministry for Pastors wives and she hosts the largest Annual Pastors Wives conference.
Check out Pastor's Wives Thriving for great articles and honest forum discussions.
The church can sponsor the pastoral couple to a romantic getaway and designate a different leader whom members can contact in their absence.
If the church does not have an evening service on Sundays, consider it a day of rest for the Pastoral family as well!
If the Pastor has little children, offer or organize volunteers to baby-sit so they can enjoy date nights.
The Pastor’s spouse is not the enemy, he/she has a God given responsibility to care for their spouse and has a right to their time away from church duties.
Do not facilitate or participate in an affair with your married pastor! Check out Dave Carder’s warning on friendships that lead to affairs and avoid that landmine!
Pastors are trained to be careful when counseling or otherwise being alone in seclusion with a member of the opposite sex where no else can verify their story. In my experience, spiritual crisis trigger emotional responses that can lead to foolish decisions.
Here's a great article from pastors.com telling young pastors, their marriage is foundational to their ministry.
A book resource I found on Amazon is “I’m More Than The Pastor’s Wife: Authentic Living In A Fishbowl World” by Lorna Dobson.

I have avoided religious/doctrinal differences in this post and will delete responses that only dwell on that. I appreciate a robust discussion on how we can help our pastors and clergy focus on their own families. Please post your ideas and comments below.

Couples Who Laugh Together Stay Together?

2010-09-30T23:59:00.001-04:00

Pastor and comedian Mark Gungor was a featured speaker at the grand finale of the South Florida Chick-Fil-A date night initiative. I knew about his work helping couples recapture laughter but had not seen him perform live, it was quite a treat! Some relationship/marriage seminars can leave you feeling guilty and doomed. Its refreshing to know you can learn great relationship skills while laughing insanely.

Mark Gungor's main presentation is a parody of the male versus female brain and how our differences create crossed lines of communication. If you watch or listen with an open mind, you learn why some fights are not worth having! Some of the material is gender stereotyped and that's what makes it so funny! Leave your politically correct mind at the door.

An article featured on NBC's 'Today Show' site, The Secret To A Happy Marriage? had couples sharing how they incorporate laughter into their relationships. It has good tips such as saying "please & thank you" to planning date nights and not taking yourselves too seriously when things don't go as planned!

Last year, I attended a conference breakout session on helping couples to laugh and play together. It was the most fun I've had in awhile! My husband knows I'm a bit uptight about pranks and practical jokes and I learned we can find humor in all sorts of places. I've made a point of finding the humor behind some not so great moments. If your laughter as a couple has gone out of the window visit Mark Gungor's page at http://www.laughyourway.com/ for some great ideas on how to bring it back. The couple that laughs together, stays together.

Chick-Fil-A Hosting Monday Date Nights - Palm Beach & Martin Counties

2010-08-02T12:18:00.000-04:00

Chick-Fil-A restaurants will be hosting Date Night Mondays during the month of August in Palm Beach and Martin Counties here in South Florida. I am thrilled about it because you get to take the "Couples Checkup" assessment tool for free! Check out the info at http://www.takethecheckup.com/. I wanted to put some information together for couples wondering how this could benefit their relationship.

The date night is for any couple dating, engaged or married. Go into a Chick-Fil-A and buy a meal (typically $7 or less) - there will be a voucher code on the receipt which you will type into the website when prompted and take the check-up with your date for free (a $29.95 value)!

You can then print out your 20+ page report showing your relationship strengths and growth areas in over 10 categories. The Couple Check Up was created by Life Innovations company based on research with thousands of couples in the US and around the globe. The same company created the Prepare/Enrich assessment tool I currently use with couples. You can do the date nights without the free assessment however, you will gain more information about yourselves and what to talk about if you complete it.

The date nights are being hosted every Monday across all the restaurants in the two counties. When you go in on a Monday, you will receive a special "Date Night Menu" that will guide you and your date into a discussion on issues relating to your relationship. Here's the breakdown of the segments:

August 2nd - Love and Money
August 9th - Love Talk
August 16th - Love The Differences
August 23rd - Love Resolves
August 30th - Love Your Family

If you get stuck on one of the topics there will be volunteer Relationship/Marriage Coaches in each restaurant to help you along. My husband and I will be volunteering some of the nights here in Palm Beach County.

If you are an engaged couple you can use the free couple check-up tool and sign up for follow-up premarital counseling. The date nights are self-guided, the follow-up gives you practical tools, resources and material about the issues highlighted in your couples report.

Couples in town (Palm Beach, Broward, Martin) can sign up with me and I will give you the exact workbook that compliments your couple's report.

Happy Monday Date Nights at a Chick-Fil-A near you! Keep checking the date night site at http://www.takethecheckup.com/ for updates.

Scheduling Sex For Spontaneous Couples

2010-06-23T17:40:00.000-04:00

I presented a workshop on Sexual Intimacy to wonderful group of church couples in Fort Lauderdale back in April and their reaction on scheduling sex was my initial reaction when I first heard about it! The words 'schedule' and 'sex' don't belong together to us spontaneous types. I was skeptical after hearing a family counselor present on it but I've come to believe the merits. Many married couples are too busy juggling life, work, kids and extra-curricular activities to bond in the bedroom at the end of the day.

The argument against scheduling the 'do' is that it decreases the fun factor and makes it an obligation. This article "Many Couples Plan Ahead To Get It On" by ABC News features a discussion on that. I usually ask couples how often they were bonding sexually without any conscious scheduling. The response is universally "we do it when we do it" - in other words they often experienced infrequent sex which is okay if both partners are in agreement. Researchers state a marriage experiencing only 10 encounters in a year is a sex-starved marriage. If this is your case, talk to a local licensed therapist or check out http://www.smartmarriages.com/ for helpful resources.

Most couples struggle with the old age 'lack of time' problem, we should just be honest and say we haven't made the bedroom life a priority. We let everything else take first place in the marriage but relegate the important portion of sexual bonding to the back burner. I love what Michele Wiener Davis (a couple's therapist) tells couples - "Think of Nike and Just Do It"!

If your relationship is close to this category here are a few of my favorite resources/books on the topic.

Simply Romantic Nights (Vol 1) Kit: Igniting Passion in Your Marriage (Volume 1) - By Family Life

Crazy Good Sex: Putting to Bed the Myths Men Have about Sex by Les Parrott III

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner Davis

A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God's Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Doug Rosenau

http://www.themarriagebed.com/ is a helpful site for faith-based couples

I will post a follow-up on this one since I have to go into session in a few minutes.

When Close Girl Friends Relocate

2010-04-01T18:03:00.002-04:00

My closest friend in town is relocating out of the country with her family and I'm surprised at just how sad I'm beginning to feel. The last time I felt this sense of loss was when my best friend/maid of honor relocated out of the country 9 years ago.

Girls night out here in Florida this past January.

I had great girl friends in Dallas but relocating here meant losing face-to-face communication. I was yearning for a new sister-soul friendship. A friend who feels like your blood sister - you love them dearly, disagree hard when necessary but you almost can't live without them. Part of it might be that I was the only girl growing up with brothers, my mother was incredible but I missed having a sister.

My new friendship here in Florida grew over the years and we started doing lunches at least once a month to chat about ourselves, God, marriage, motherhood, ministry, work and families in Kenya. I think the real reason I'm sad is the prospect of searching the town for another similar honest & meaningful friendship. I'm beginning to pray - not for a replacement but that I will be that friend to someone else.

Research shows that we women live longer because of our ability to emotionally connect and build a support group. On the other side, married men live longer than single men but pass away sooner if the wife dies because he has a hard time connecting emotionally to others. Lesson - cultivate healthy meaningful friendships!

I learned a couple of years back that husbands don't frankly have the stomach to sit through some of the gab we share with girl friends. It still bothers me when wives describe their husbands as their best friends - I know what they technically mean but I hope they are not trying to make a woman out of the husband. You get the drift - so here I am sitting, typing and praying that I will recognize when an old friend, a current acquintance or new friend becomes the next sister-soul honest meaningful friendship.

Mr. Good Enough and Interracial Dating

2010-03-16T16:46:00.022-04:00

I came across Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough" while browsing at a local bookstore. I first read the page where she describes the impact of feminism on her dating life and women in their 30's & 40's. It was hilarious, eye opening and realistic but boy did she stir a hornet's nest! Tons of letters poured in angry at her phrase "settling for Mr. Good Enough."

Unless you've read the book - don't knock it just yet. She is funny and has some great points like don't blow off a guy because he didn't fit all your top ten criteria. Don't ignore a man who is not on the career field you 'require' - he could turn out to be your Mr. Right. Her definition of "Mr. Good Enough" is a man who meets most of your criteria but not all of it. She sites examples of friends who ended up happily married despite having 'settled' for their Mr. Good Enough. Gottlieb regrets blowing off guys in her 20's who she thought were beneath her but now in her 40's thinks they would have been a great catch!

In the book "Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out" Karyn Langhorne Folan tackles the sensitive topic of black women and interracial dating. She reminds them to expand their dating options. For the full online article check out Washington Post. She describes the loyalty and guilt black women carry over the thought of dating outside the community. My take on it that you never know who God intended you marry until you take a step of faith and say yes to a coffee date. I dated outside my race prior to meeting my husband and though I did not get married to the guy, it was an enriching experience.

I got to know my husband when we did a US music tour with a Christian ministry band. He didn't fit all my list requirements because some were unrealistict! My only non-negotiable one was that he had to be a practicing Christian because I was involved in ministry. Other items on my list included being of the same tribe to avoid possible inter-tribal drama. I bet you didn't know that existed! God must have laughed when He heard my plans - I did not bring home a Kamba man - he was a Luo. We are celebrating 10 years of marriage this year and the blessing of our two sons. I'm so glad I didn't let expectations to marry within the tribe block me from a happy marriage.

Please note cultural differences can pull a couple apart if you are not prepared or realistic with your expectations. When you find your 'one' do attend some type of premarital counseling before your wedding. Your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Imam, Counselor or a trusted married couple would be a great place to start. If you are looking for resources on how to have a happy marriage when you come from two different cultures email me at info@earlyfamilyyears.org and I'll email back some resources.

What's your story?

Baby Interruptus - Marriage After Babies

2010-03-12T16:49:00.001-05:00

The birth of our first son launched my efforts to help young couples thrive in their first years of marriage. We now have two preschooler boys so the craziness of being a first time parent is waning but boy was it a ride! In between night feedings, mystery burps, checking the color of the baby's rear end 'product' and sleep time drama - romance and sex took a beating!

If women are honest, we resent men for not needing to recover from child birth. They are unaware of new hormonal changes that make us crave or hate them! We crave their hugs but resent that wondering hand suggesting more. I'm reading the book 'Baby Proofing Your Marriage' and these ladies were reading my mind! Its the most realistic book I've read on how couples act once they become parents.

Babies are the sweetest creatures on the planet, but they don't encourage romance! 'Baby interruptus' occurs when you are finally getting your groove on and your sleeping baby starts wailing! No 'happy ending' for either of you and that makes one cranky morning! Don't give up just yet, there is hope around the corner.

With a little humor and planning, you'll discover golden moments when the baby sleeps and you can finally spend some quality time together. Keeping a sense of humor is the greatest asset during your baby's first year. Learn to schedule your romance because spontaneity clashes with baby's little plans.

We also learnt, you MUST go on a date within a couple of weeks after baby's birth or adoption. Get a trusted friend, relative or a church "parents night out" to watch the baby. You need the sanity of stepping away for a moment and remembering you are a person with grown up needs craving grown up attention.

A sanity saving idea is to drop unrealistic expectations and welcome the word 'flexibility' to your home. If you are a nursing mom and constantly worried if the little one will take the bottle from someone else, get creative. Plan to go on a date after the baby's bed time - you will avoid needing the sitter to feed him/her. A date night might also consist of feeding and bringing baby along on the date so she/he can sleep as you chat over your meal. There's no wrong or right way, find out what works for you and your spouse and take care of your romantic lives!

Spending time away from the baby will greatly impact how you feel about romance in your marriage. Most husbands want to care for the baby but we cling to the duties like a badge of honor! Communication is the greatest asset you will have during the baby's first year - express what you need in clear specific terms. Your partner cannot read your mind! How have you dealt with your romantic life after giving birth?

Achieving Your 2010 Goals With The Change Model

2010-01-01T19:06:00.001-05:00

Happy New 2010 and the start of a new decade! I checked the Merriam-Webster dictionary online and decided goals and resolutions should co-exist. It defines 'resolution' as 'a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent', it also describes it as 'the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones'. 'Goal' is defined as 'an end toward which effort is directed'. I am a goal setter and I work hard to achieve them throughout the year. If you are setting new goals or forwarding last year's goals to 2010, you need a game plan to achieve them.

Goals should be achievable and measurable in order to succeed. Write them down! Preferrably in a journal book that you keep in your home dresser or work desk so you can keep up with your progress. Break them into bits with months to measure your progress.

My favorite goals model is outlined in the Prepare/Enrich classes I teach engaged couples.

The CHANGE model - achieving your goals

C - Commit yourself to a specific goal.
My examples: Couples: Spending more time together away from the kids, Individuals: Spend more time with family or friends.

H - Habits ... break old and start new ones
Couples: Instead of slouching on the couch with a remote control, turn on some fun music, grab your spouse and ask them to dance with you, let the kids run around cleaning up to the beat of the music. Individuals: instead of ignoring your mother's call for the fifth time, send her a text message telling her you are okay and will call back soon - and do call back!

A - Action ... take one step at a time

Couples: Ask your parent friends to babysit or hire a babysitter from a local church, a teenager in the neighborhood, or call your local childcare resource. Individuals: Call your family/friends once a week and say you are checking in on them. Send a card or a text message to say you are thinking of them if you are pressed for time.

N - Never give up

Couples: If no one's available to babysit, don't give up. Plan a romantic in-home dinner when the baby/kids sleep, a scented candle, simple meal, low lights and smooth jazz will set in the mood as you wait for another time. Individuals: If you didn't communicate this week, try the next week - if your family/friends picked a fight with you, don't give up on trying to keep in touch.

G - Goal-oriented ... focus on the positive

Couples: The greatest gift for yourselves and your kids is a healthy relationship. If date night is not going so well, look at the positive and remember you are making an effort. Compliment your spouse for trying hard to plan a great night and start planning your next date night to avoid similar problems as the past one. Individuals: Focus on your efforts to talk to your mother though you are tired of the unsolicited advice on why you should date Joe/Jane in 2010. Give yourself a break for reaching out to family/friends despite a busy schedule.

E - Evaluate and reward yourself

Couples: Give each other a meaningful gift that does not necessarily require money. Coupons for a foot/body massage, coupon to watch a game or a show without being nagged, a coupon to have his/her favorite home cooked meal etc, a night out with the guys or a night out with the girls. Individuals: go out for a movie/dinner by yourself or with friends, upgrade your phone to one with features encouraging you to stay in touch.

Happy GOAL-SETTING in 2010!

Keeping Your Joy During The Christmas Season

2009-12-15T12:42:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple of years, the month of December has been catching me by 'surprise'. Its generally a whirlwind from November all through to the New Year with church events, our Positively Africa band shows, kids, work etc. I keep researching ways to keep my joy so I can actually celebrate the real reason for the Christmas season.

Some of my coping strategies:

I minimize watching shows on "must have" gifts to buy - obligatory shopping stresses me out!
We only put up decorations when its fun not because others have them up already!
Our preschooler son loves toys! In December we read a bedtime story about Jesus' birth from a kid's Christmas Bible which he loves. We remind him the holiday is about giving to God through giving to others - not just getting toys.
I play Christmas music and turn it off the minute I start getting stressful urges to shop :)
This year I'll give personalized meaningful gifts and cards that don't require a ton of spending
We are repackaging and wrapping some of my son's toys because he's forgotten he even had them! We'll only add at most 2 new toys that we've promised since October. We wish well-meaning people would STOP asking him what Santa is giving him for Christmas!
I emotionally brace myself before making Christmas calls to Africa because I miss my brothers terribly (mom died 2001). Through we talk every couple of weeks through the year & chat on facebook, the holiday season hits us the hardest. If you are calling long-distance family members, please remember, you cannot solve long standing family issues or the latest drama over the phone. Keep the call relevant and deflect mine field topics by redirecting the conversation or not contributing answers.
For those of us living far from family members (another continent), consider giving grocery vouchers, cell phone airtime, wire spending money, buy a goat, give school fees voucher, a current year picture album, a care package etc. Be sure to use a reputable company and read fine print on extra fees for buying from afar.
My husband and I put spending limits on our personal gifts - an example is each person spends $50 on the other - it makes it exciting to think creatively and not be bothered with extra bills after the holidays. I got into credit card trouble a couple of years back, we now use cash or debit cards (checking account). We are taking a Dave Ramsey money class and learned great tips on negotiating :)
We often go to the store the day after Christmas and buy any Christmas items we want for the next year at 70% discounts.

More Helpful Tips

If you are traveling to see your family, remember you cannot solve childhood family drama over apple cider or chai (tea) by the fireside! When confronted by family members we often react through the inner child and say regrettable things. Feel free to excuse yourself and take a walk when a discussion threatens to get out of hand, remind the person you want to enjoy your time with them not fight over the past.
Honestly discuss with your spouse/loved one concerns about get-togethers, that way you can both have each others back. Blood speaks to blood - don't unnecessarily confront your in-laws when their child (your spouse) is an expert on how to do it and get results. Avoid family emotional tug-of-wars.
If you are a foreign exchange or international student - please take advantage of the holiday programs offered by the university's international office. Most offer a holiday family exchange, holiday meal celebration and if not, please check with churches, faith-based ministries, religious centers, or nonprofit centers.

Additional Resources

Just Between Us - Holiday stress busters
CBN Christmas Center - Faith based ideas and help
APA help center - Dealing with holiday stress and families
Mayo Clinic - 10 tips for coping with holiday stress or depression
American Hospice Foundation - Coping with grief during the holiday
University of Wisconsin - International student culture shock stress
International Student Ministry (Intervasity) - 20 Articles on coping in a new place
Coping With infertility and the holidays
Dealing with PTSD and the holiday season
Coping with homesickness for students

Prenatal Blues, Depression and Relationships

2009-09-15T12:55:00.001-04:00

There seems to be more information available on postpartum depression (after pregnancy) than prenatal blues or depression (during pregnancy). In July 2008, I noticed unusual mood swings during my second pregnancy. The first trimester is often tiring due to the body adjusting to the baby, sleepiness, nausea, sickness, moodiness etc. I had also just completed fulltime grad school and was mentally exhausted. I got concerned because it was hard to tell the difference between academic burnout, pregnancy/prenatal blues and depression. I was also scared it might lead to postpartum depression after birth.

My symptoms of prenatal blues

I knew something was wrong with my mood swings but didn't want to talk about it. I felt run down, physically tired, nauseated, moody, sleepy in the afternoons and sleepless at night, grouchy, felt thrown off balance after grad school etc. I also felt bad I was not excited though we had planned the pregnancy and I craved a second baby. We had just put our then 2 year old son in preschool for two days a week and though feeling the blues, I still enjoyed playing with him and chatting with hubby.

In searching for answers, I found an article in Today's Parent on prenatal blues in pregnancy. It said " But for a variety of reasons — including symptoms people confuse with other common pregnancy complaints or don’t associate with depression, a lack of education on the subject, and the stigma of mental health issues — prenatal mood disorders often go undiagnosed. Women themselves may not know something is wrong until either the fog lifts or the depression deepens and relationships buckle under the strain."

According to the Baby Center's medical advisory board: You might be at risk for prenatal depression (stronger version of prenatal blues) if you have experienced the following: "Personal or family history of depression, Relationship difficulties, Fertility treatments, Previous pregnancy loss, Problems with your pregnancy, Stressful life events, Past history of abuse, Other risk factors. (young, single, or have an unplanned pregnancy)."

They also list the following symptoms of prenatal depression:

• A sense that nothing feels enjoyable or fun anymore
• Feeling blue, sad, or "empty" for most of the day, every day
• It's harder to concentrate
• Extreme irritability or agitation or excessive crying
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping all the time
• Extreme or never-ending fatigue
• A desire to eat all the time or not wanting to eat at all
• Inappropriate guilt or feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness

If you've experienced three or more of the following symptoms for more than two weeks, talk to your healthcare provider about whether you should see a therapist:

How did this affect the relationship with my husband?

I had a subtle attitude that let my hubby know I didn't want to talk about it. He also didn't know what to say to alleviate the moodiness because I was so touchy about the subject. I however, did not lose functionality - I still played with our preschooler and enjoyed hanging out with my hubby and close friends.

Here's what my husband did to help:

He took up alot more of the housework
He helped me avoid extra outside responsibilities - I could use him as an excuse to cancel unnecessary engagements or delegate to others.
He made sure I planned lunch dates with close girlfriends for some therapeutic girl talk.
He made dinner some nights so I would not have to smell the food - nausea, mood swings and exhaustion don't mix well :)
He avoided pressuring me to talk about it until I was ready to explain what I was feeling. However, I didn't just clam up - I tried to keep him updated on some of what I was thinking or feeling.
He pushed me to take outdoor walks near the park and a close beach to refresh my mind.
He played with our older son or took him to the park so I could have rest periods.

Reaching out for help

My mood lifted during the second trimester - I regained some energy and wasn't feeling as emotionally run down. This is what confirmed my self-diagnosis of prenatal blues. My mistake however was that I did not tell my Obgyn about it. I had just switched and was still feeling her out - didn't want them to send alarm bells all over my medical records.

I considered seeing a counselor but didn't get around to booking the appointment - a mistake that prolonged my anxiety over the moods. I did however talk to girl friends. If you are experiencing prenatal blues or prenatal depression, please talk to your doctor. Treatment according to the experts includes counseling/psychotherapy and/or sometimes antidepressants.

Ways to prevent prenatal/pregnancy depression - according to Baby Center:

I am a huge fan of babycenter and have subscribed to their online newsletters since the birth of my first son in 2005. Here's the list:

Take it easy - There's stuff to be done but taking care of you and the baby is more important
Bond with your partner - Your loved one cares about you. If you are in a relationship with someone who might endanger your life, please reach out to a trusted friend or call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE for help.
Talk it out - with partner, friends & family
Manage your stress - Easier said than done :) Give yourself breaks, exercise even if its taking walks around the block & park, eat well - if you can keep it down :)
Join an online pregnant mom's group is my personal advice.

Preventing prenatal blues or depression from turning to post partum depression

This was my greatest fear because I got baby blues the first night I brought my older son home back in 2005. I couldn't stop crying because I thought the house was not clean enough, I was in pain from an episiotomy, couldn't cook and my hormones were raging. I called my angel friend Ruth and couldn't talk through the tears - so my panicked hubby talked to her and she showed up at 10.30pm! She brought dinner and stayed and talked with me until 1am - what a friend! She left her hubby and son home to be there for us. I learned my lesson about arranging for outside support when family lives far away or in another continent in our case.

Here's what I learned and did to avoid post baby depression:

Arrange for support before you go to the hospital - someone to help clean the house, dishes, laundry if possible. That way you'll avoid the super mom syndrome that hits right after birth!
Have another female available to talk to - priceless! our female friends who are mothers will gently remind us to take it easy, we have 18 years to try get it right :)
Allow your spouse or partner to help you - stop micromanaging what they do. They might not wipe the counter in the same direction as you do but it gets cleaned. Major in the majors and ignore the minors.
You are not superwoman or supermom - Its okay not to have the house spotlessly clean - the baby is not crawling yet:) Ask your spouse, friend or family to help, if not look for volunteer doulas who help new mothers.
Arrange for help with older siblings - To avoid feeling overwhelmed and super guilty!
Call that number the pediatrician gave you - if it will ease your mind, call the number or the nurses hotline and ask questions about your newborn baby. You are not the first mom to do that.
Take time out for yourself - have your spouse, friend or relative watch the baby while you take a long luxurious shower, watch a show you like without interruption, talk on the phone with friends or family, read a magazine, take a short walk if you can etc.
Join a local moms support group - its not a sign of weakness, you will get the most incredible ideas! My favorite group is MOPs International I once ran and belonged to one. There are other moms groups - checkout http://www.charmpost.com/ or South Florida Parenting if you live here in South Florida.

If you are currently pregnant - I hope this article helps you navigate this wonderful, exhausting, happy, moody, maddening, craving, feeling fat (I did), glowing beautiful time in your life. Please share the tips with your hubby or partner, family, friend so they can support you.

So You Want To Be a Work-At-Home Mom

2009-09-02T17:14:00.012-04:00

I discovered Jill Hart's website for Christian Work At Home Moms right after I decided to stay home while going to grad school in 2006. I had just given birth to our first son (2005) and I was overwhelmed trying to juggle 4 fulltime roles. I had a talk with my hubby and he supported my decision to attend grad school fulltime in the evenings while caring for our son in the daytime. I surfed the web, found Jill's site and subscribed to her newsletter. It was such a blessing to learn from moms who had transitioned to a home office. I eventually became a part-time behavior therapist contractor and a church counselor while staying home. I finally emailed Jill in March when our second son was 3 weeks old to let her know how much I appreciated her newsletter & website. Her new book with Diana Ennen, "So You Want To Be A Work-At-Home Mom" is out. I'm excited about the book since I still have all these roles to play in life :)

Here's some info from her site:

Home-based businesses are estimated to be a $427 billion-a-year industry. In recent studies it was found that as many as 105 million people in North America alone were working at home. Considering this information, it is obvious that home-based businesses can be successful and authors Jill Hart and Diana Ennen will help you succeed with your own.

So You Want to Be a Work-at-Home Mom details all the basics of starting a business in a spiritual, motivational, and comprehensive manner. From deciding what type of business to start to keeping your family and faith first, this helpful tool details every aspect of establishing a business. With proven success tips utilized by the authors and others who own work-at-home businesses, this inspiration approach will provide you with the resources you need to start your own home-based business.

So You Want to Be a Work-at-Home Mom includes:
* Detailed information on types of businesses to start
* Ideas and assistance for setting up, operating, and marketing your business
* Definitions and descriptions of work-at-home terminology and processes
* Help for developing your Website
* Explanations of the business nuts and bolts, including bookkeeping, taxes, and more

About the Authors
JILL HART is the founder of Christian Work at Home Moms, CWAHM.com. Jill is a co-author of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom. Jill has published many articles and is a contributing author in Laundry Tales, The Business Mom Guide Book, I'll Be Home for Christmas, and Faith Deployed. She holds a bachelor's degree in human development and family studies. Learn more about working from home at http://www.cwahm.com/work-at-home/ .

DIANA ENNEN has been a leader and mentor in the work-at-home industry since starting her business, Virtual Word Publishing, in 1985. She is the author of many books, including Virtual Assistant the Series; Become a Highly Successful, Sought After VA and Words from Home: Start, Run, and Profit from a Home-Based Word Processing Business. She resides in Margate, Florida, with her husband and their three children.

Below is an interview with the authors of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom – Jill & Diana.

If have questions they are happy to answer your questions anytime. Leave a comment below or email Jill@cwahm.com or Diana@virtualwordpublishing.com

How long have you been working at home?

Jill Hart - I've been working at home since 2000. I had to go back to work full-time for a brief period in 2003 when my husband got out of the Air Force. At that point I got even more serious about making my business work and I've been home full-time since then.

Diana Ennen – I’ve been working at home since 1985, when my son was born. He’s now graduated college and already working towards his own career. I absolutely love it. I can’t imagine doing anything else.

What types of businesses do you operate?

Jill Hart – I run Christian Work at Home Moms, CWAHM.com, a website full of free resources, job listings and information about home businesses. I also write articles and books (yes, more books to come!) and am a blogger for sites like Time/Warner's Christian Momlogic.com and a member of the Guideposts blogger team

Diana Ennen– I’m the President of Virtual Word Publishing. I’m a virtual assistant and specialize in marketing & publicity. I’ve also written numerous books on how to start a VA business and offer PR and VA Coaching.

Tell us about your book? How do you think it can benefit those who want to start a business?

Jill Hart - The book has been such a "God thing." He orchestrated the entire sequence of events - from putting Diana and I together as co-authors to bringing us to the right publisher. The book is a hands-on practical guide for anyone who wants to build a business from home. We cover topics ranging from how to select the right type of business for you, to how to get started, to how to market and grow your business.

Diana Ennen - I think one of the best features of our book is that it’s not only informative, but motivational as well. You’ll feel like friends are helping you on your journey to success. Also, we discuss numerous types of businesses to start and provide proven methods to achieve success. We also often hear how starting a business can be so overwhelming. That’s why we pay special attention to all the how tos. We feel very confident our book will help, not only those starting a business, but those already in business wanting to expand it.

What types of businesses are featured in your book?

Jill Hart - We have such a great range of contributors - everything from direct sales companies like Southern Living at Home and Avon to unique product-driven businesses like BSM Media and GrillCharms. These woman are amazing and give readers a great insight into how they've grown their businesses in very different ways.

Diana Ennen - We cover everything from direct sales companies to specialized areas such as medical transcription and virtual assisting. Also, Jill shares detailed information on starting a community based membership site. We think you’ll get a lot of helpful tips too from such work-at-home powerhouses as Maria Bailey and Lesley Spencer Pyle.

Do you have any tips for success for Christian entrepreneurs that you’d like to share?

Jill Hart - I think my favorite tip - shared with me by one of our contributors, Tammy Degenhart, almost ten years ago is that working together benefits everyone. She told me, "Jill, what you give to others God brings back tenfold" and I've seen that hold true time and time again. It may not be in financial gains and it may not look like what we expected but God is so faithful in that when we work together there is no competition - it's a win-win situation.

Diana Ennen - Do what you believe in and use your own skills and prior experience to find the business that’s just right for you. Research/Research/Research. The more you research, the better your business. Continue to market and be out there. So many once they find a few clients stop marketing. You need to get out there continually. You then become the go to person when someone needs services or products that you offer.

What are some of the challenges that you see with those starting or operating a business?

Jill Hart – In my experience, I've talked with many women who get frustrated because success doesn't come easily or quickly. Working from home may sound easy, but in reality it can actually be just as hard as working outside the home. There are many unique challenges, especially when working at home while raising children. If women don't prepare themselves, they can become discouraged and disheartened.

Diana Ennen– One of the major challenges I see is losing belief in yourself that you can do it. That’s why I think a faith-based book will be so beneficial. Even when times get tough, you can rely on your faith to forge ahead.

With the economy, do you believe it’s still a good time to start a business? Why?

Jill Hart – I think it's a better time than ever. The internet is so much more widely used than it was even nine years ago when I began my website. If people do their research and find a company that fits them as well as their budget this can be a great time to break into the work-at-home field.

Diana Ennen – Absolutely. In fact, I think there’s never been a better time. You might have to work a little harder, but it absolutely can be done. Plus, there are so many businesses who need us more than ever because of the economy. For example, with virtual assistants because businesses are downsizing they are seeking the help of a VA to help on an as needed basis.

Your book is written from a Christian perspective? Tell us a little about that and how you feel that makes it so unique?

Jill Hart – My faith is central to who I am and therefore central to my business. I began Christian Work at Home Moms because I wanted women to have a safe place where they could discuss not only business things, but also talk about an area that doesn't get talked about a lot in business circles - how our faith affects our businesses. The book is written in a way that doesn't hit anyone over the head with our faith, but it's true to who we are and talks about things from the vantage point that we see life - through the lens of our faith.

Diana Ennen – There are so many books out there today on starting a business. However, few have the Christian mom in mind. We provide a lot of scriptures and examples of how you can use your faith to help you. Our hope is that not only will your business thrive, but it might just give a little boost to your faith as well.

Learn more about the book at Beacon Hill Press or SoYouWantToBeAWAHM.com.

My disclosure - I will benefit for letting you know about the book. I still would have let you know about it anyway because it was so instrumental in helping me transition to a home-based office.

Sex-starved marriages - Rabbi Shmuley & others

2009-08-27T11:18:00.015-04:00

The most frequent question asked during premarital classes is how often a married couple should have sex in a week. I've been catching clips of Rabbi Shmuley on different shows and I was intrigued about his quest to have couples reconnect sexually. His stats on married couples are dead on. Couples with little children have the least amount of sex for obvious reasons - exhaustion, busyness, lack of privacy (lack of boundaries) among others. Here's a video clip where the Rabbi was discussing his concept on Kosher Sutra. There I wrote it and I'm turning purple :)

There are a ton of great resources for couples struggling sexually through low libido or other reasons. Besides the Rabbi's insights, there's also Michelle-Weiner Davis's site on the sex-starved wife and needless to say, some husbands are simply not in the mood!

Finally my favorite article that I often pass to couples in class was an interview with Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg on keeping sex fun. It has a list of 13 items that I cannot repeat on this blog or I will surely never regain my complexion! Yet, I find it easy to discuss it face to face - go figure :)

Sex-starved marriages cannot be healed in a blog post:) The goal is to start a discussion among couples with a few pointers on what experts are saying. I will do an additional post on what experts say about regaining sexual momentum when you have little ones at home. That's my 'neck of the woods' to quote the great Al Roker :)

If you are accessing this post on a feed to a social site please post your comments here on the blog to benefit other readers.

Shamelessly Facilitating Affairs For Married Couples

2009-08-17T23:22:00.013-04:00

My husband and I were watching a show two nights ago when this ad encouraging married couples to cheat on their spouses came on during break. It tells a married man that he can get away from a one night stand but cannot get away from his wife - the ad then posts a website where he can have an affair. CNN interviewed one of the company's executives below.

When I figured out what it was, I was livid! Apparently, the company owners care less about plunging families into the hell hole of divorce proceedings. Those of you who read my blogs last fall know how passionate I get on some issues and this is one of them. I will actively log complaints with the local TV stations about the ad the moment I see it again. Keep tuned, I will update the post on which local channels in Palm Beach County run the ad. TV stations only listen to ratings increase or decrease due to gains or loss of viewers.

I understand sentiments that married adults have affairs without being urged by an ad so why get bothered. I'm bothered because those of us in the marriage/family field see the devastation caused by affairs. They are not casual flings, there's always a victim and for a company to blatantly profit from such misery simply appalling. Yes, I know capitalism blesses the shrewd regardless of trade - try telling that to Uncle Sam. As a matter of fact, this company should be prosecuted for encouraging prostitution and probably facilitating it. It actually serves as an online pimp, that ought to perk up some law enforcement ears and online regulatory review boards.

19 Signs of Close Call Friendships - Affairs

2009-08-06T10:23:00.010-04:00

I recently heard Dave Carder present on "Close Calls", 19 signs that a friendship will potentially lead to an affair. It was at the 2009 Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando. I have never heard anybody articulate how well meaning people wind up in affairs as well as he did. Affairs are often the result of a dangerous partner profile, an old flame "the ex" or platonic friendships that become close call friendships. Here are the signs to watch out for on friendships:

1. You save topics of conversation only for this friend
2. You share spousal difficulties with them - a form of criticism towards your spouse "you are a woman, help me understand how this works"
3. Your friend shares his/her relationship difficulties with you
4. You anticipate seeing your friend more than your spouse (we tend to see our spouses at the 2 worst times in the day - the morning rush and the evening exhaustion)
5. You begin comparing your spouse to your friend
6. You show more concern about your friend than your spouse
7. You provide special treats for your friend
8. You fantasize about marriage with this friend
9. You spend more time alone with this friend than your spouse
10. Your spouse does not have access to all your conversations (cell phone, texts, social media etc)
11. You spend money on your friend without your spouse's knowledge
12. You begin having conflicts with your spouse over this friendship
13. You lie to spend more time with this friend (go to work early, stay late, Bible study, praise band etc)
14. You hide interactions with your friend from your spouse (don't smile at me at the get-together, church cookout, etc my husband/wife is watching)
15.You accuse your spouse of being jealous when he/she brings up the friendship
16. You develop special rituals with your friend - which you both highly anticipate
17. Your friend shares feelings or touches you and you inwardly response - inner shiver
18. Sexual content becomes a part of your conversations
19. You do corporate dating - you are both participating in business travel for your company, church ministry etc where you get entertained, eat, drink and stay in the same hotel.

Dave Carder also shared that the dangerous partner profile is an individual who's personality, character and interests fit with our own needs or something lacking from our marriage. The 'old flame'/ex-factor is a problem because we already had feelings for them in the past. Calling them to meet a current need e.g. financial difficulties can lead to an affair. Lesson in all this, value your marriage and start talking to your spouse about any unmet needs in your relationship. Seek help through attending marriage enrichment workshops or a family therapist. If you need to find a relationship class or a marriage enrichment workshop in Palm Beach County or Broward send an email to info@earlyfamilyyears.org to learn about Relationship Classes & Enrichment Sessions. If you live elsewhere in Florida or outside the State, I will try my level best to direct you to a nearby resource.

Commitment and Political Affairs - Sanford and Others

2009-06-30T17:20:00.007-04:00

What a strange week that ended? First it was the worrying news of the missing Governor Sanford from South Carolina who turned up to have been 'crying in Argentina' over his affair with an Argentinian reporter. Then the sad and expected death of Farah Fawcett followed by the shocking and sudden death of Michael Jackson - our generation's Elvis. The previous week brought news of Senator Ensign's affair with a staffer and the riveting TLC show where Jon & Kate announced their coming divorce. Anyone else feeling infidelity/heartbreak fatigue? This is enough to make the most positive person swear off relationships and especially marriage. If you are being affected by infidelity, you can check out Beyond Affairs (BAN) support groups.

I love the updated 2009 Prepare/Enrich marriage education program which includes a section asking couples "Commitment" questions. I'm currently using the program with engaged couples and appreciate leading them through these difficult questions before they commit to each other for life. Affairs are nothing new and unfortunately don't seem to surprise anyone anymore. I would encourage engaged couples to openly ask each other what their stance on fidelity is in the relationship. Some are shocked to discover their partner does not believe in staying monogamous for the rest of their relationship/marriage. If you are seeking someone who believes in remaining sexually faithful to you, you need to voice that before walking down the aisle. Don't just assume your partner understands your stance on fidelity. By the way, women are increasingly having affairs and so this is not a gender specific issue. Do ask and Do tell your stance on faithfulness.

How We Handle Conflict Determines Relationship Survival

2009-05-27T15:06:00.018-04:00

How we handle conflict in our relationships determines whether the dating relationship or marriage will survive. Back in Kenya, I knew pastors who would not marry a couple unless they had fought once or more in their courtship. They were determined to establish that couples knew how to handle inevitable conflict that would arise in the relationship. Fighting is normal and a healthy part of relationships - how we fight however, makes the difference.

When I was dating my husband back in the 90's, I mistakenly believed if he loved me his opinions would mirror mine on issues. If we fought about anything, I expected him to immediately agree with my point of view without realizing he was a separate being with separate thoughts and opinions. I studied alot of relationship books on communication and began to see the error of my methods but old habits die hard. We dated for four years and it wasn't until our second year of marriage that I got the hang of fighting fair and learned to respect his opinion in the fight.

In my premarital education work, the couples who show extremely low scores on conflict resolution tend to have the toughest time adjusting to marriage, struggle with abuse issues and/or dissolve the marriage. I have become even more committed to asking couples to postpone their wedding ceremony if they want to save their future marriage. If there are unresolved issues causing conflict during dating, the same issues will be magnified in marriage with stronger consequences. Don't ignore warning signs - they are similar to yellow lights turning red on your relationship.

Name calling, yelling, belittling and threatening do not solve conflicts. We've all yelled at some point, the problem is what words we yell because we can't take them back. Yelling is sometimes equating to blowing off steam but is hardly ever constructive. I can't recall who taught my husband and I to use our pet names for each other while fighting but its worked over the years. Its hard for me to attack his character and the essence of his being while yelling "honey - you are such a bla bla bla". Oh, we do fight - trust me on that one. We both have strong opinions and believe in expressing them when necessary but we have fighting rules that keep us in check so we don't destroy each other with careless nuclear words.

Our fighting rules run along lines of: stick to the issue at hand, do not drudge up old fights, identify on a scale how vital the issue is to both of you, 1 - not a big deal to 10 - over my dead body. I love Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot's conflict card and have used it in our marriage and with couples. Avoid name calling and nuclear words (maximizes emotional damage), do not threaten break-up/divorce - it only makes the situation worse, introduces the bailout option and unless you mean it becomes an empty threat. Feel free to call a time-out and postpone the fight if its unproductive and not solving the original issue causing conflict. Agree to bring up the issue for example on Saturday morning when you jog together because you will be less emotional, more logical and open to seeing it through the other's eyes. It sounds impossible but it works, my husband or I will say "lets talk about this another time/Friday" etc or "I can't talk about this right now" which is a code word meaning we will not have a productive end to our fight.

Agree on a code word to indicate when the fight is escalating beyond repair - when one of you uses it, its time to take a step back, walk out of the room/house or shut yourself in a room to cool off. The time-out concept only works if you are both committed to discussing the issue at an agreed future date - otherwise it becomes a cop-out. Do not use physical force on each other - a small shove can easily escalate into violence. When all else fails, involve a third party - seek professional help if the issue you are trying to resolve remains unsolved, is causing considerable tension in your relationship and is threatening your marriage. Avoid trying to shame your partner by describing the issue in lurid details to close friends and family who you hope will put pressure on him/her. True friends will try to be objective and call you out on mistakes. When you make up with your partner, you want him/her to be able to face your friends and family. Think ahead and remember you love this person, you are not trying to destroy them.

If you are reading this portion and you are in a physically abusive relationship please call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Your situation requires professional help - your safety and that of your children is of utmost importance. They will do crisis intervention and connect you to local domestic violence shelters in your community.

Some great resources on conflict resolution that I personally use or refer to my couples are Real Relationships (great video clips), Family Life, Marriage Builders and the classes I offer for premarital education and marriage enrichment. Happy fighting to you and may you achieve productive results!

Jon & Kate plus 8 - Back Off This Couple!

2009-05-26T12:47:00.010-04:00

I recorded last night's season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 for the first time ever! I've watched about 15 episodes before but never used to record them. I'm in my 30's married with two boys and relationships are tough period. I cannot imagine juggling marriage, 8 kids, TV series, book signings, speaking tours, stay at home dad etc and having it all go smoothly. Did Jon make a mistake? Yes! Is Kate too hard on him? Yes! My unimportant opinion - BACK OFF THIS COUPLE and let them salvage their marriage.

For some crazy reason, folks seem to be salivating at the prospects of a divorce. Half the people giving opinions on TV, in magazines and online are they themselves victims, causers or children of divorce. They know the hurt surrounding the issue, instead of hoping for the worst in a twisted way, back off this family and send them encouraging vibes, notes, comments etc. Jon is not the first husband to do something stupid/flirt with other women/cheat if he did, Kate is not the first wife to nag and belittle her husband. Talk to any marriage therapist - couples do alot worse and still manage to make their marriage work. THERE IS HOPE people! Stop wishing Jon & Kate ill - wish them well as they huddle through a tough period in their marriage. I learned about Michele Weiner-Davis' work while in grad school and her emphasis on giving couples hope through any situation is incredible. Jon & Kate are not as badly off as some in the media would have us believe, their marriage does not have to collapse if only one of them is willing to work on it.

I am strangely attached to Jon & Kate because they are in my Generation X cohort. We consider marriage an egalitarian affair where both partners put in equal effort or appear to put in equal effort, our relationship roles are based on gifting and not gender etc - the wife might be better at family finances, the husband might be a better cook/cleaner. We have also left corporate America in droves to stay home with our children despite having advanced degrees etc. We strongly believe in the wellbeing of our children to a fault - hence the debate over excessive 'self-esteemed' children. Back to the show.

My heart broke last night watching the pain they are going through trying to sort their feelings, their responsibilities as parents, their marriage relationship and a hounding media all at the same time. I have serious reservations about the way Kate treats Jon on the show, but I learned the show is only taped 3 days a week and its edited down to an hour. They probably don't show the times she's decent with him. Jon is always potrayed as the docile 'yes, dear' kind of husband and loving dad, maybe the other 4 days of the week - he actually yells back and takes charge in decision making. In other words - its a TV show - we don't see everything! I don't let Kate's behavior towards him off the hook - it bothers me a great deal and my husband will not watch the show after seeing her talk to Jon in only one episode. I also believe Jon (unless its edited that way) should take more charge and speak up on his needs etc.

I have no earthly idea how they will pull off saving their marriage, raising the kids, working while hounded by the media and our incessant comments. Some folks suggested the show should be cancelled, that's a knee jerk reaction. It's a great teaching moment if the producers edit accurately and fairly. I hope they are seeing a marriage friendly marriage therapist instead of one who will tell them to split because "their happiness" is too important. I also believe they might benefit from taking a couple's vacation just the two of them to reconnect emotionally.

Life is tough and tough choices sometimes require happiness tied to happenings to take a back burner to important decisions that will shape the destiny of our families. I'm not sure they should show any episode with the therapist if they are seeing one. In my books - they should do whatever it takes to save the marriage. In the meantime, I am in their corner, cheering them on towards healing in their relationship. I haven't focused on the kids because the naysayers are using them as bait and yelping without considering this - the greatest gift to our children is seeing their parents attempt to make their marriage work and thrive.

Withholding Sex To Achieve Political Change - Kenyan Women

2009-04-30T18:00:00.012-04:00

This was a great and funny story to read on CNN today - Kenyan women decided to go on strike and deny their husbands sex until political reform was achieved. Why am I not surprised as a Kenyan woman? I remember the strikes organized by women back in the 90's to protest the one party system before multi-partism was introduced. I also remember the hunger strikes organized by Professor Wangari Maathai and others for the green-belt movement fighting for Kenya's environment in the 90's. I guess Kenyan women have quite a history of achieving change through radical methods - this one takes the cake. I wonder how husbands will react? I bet you there will be some serious discussion on reform so hubbies can resume the taps on the shoulder for some loving!

I love the coy answer Ida Odinga (Prime Minister's wife) gave when questioned by the media - she focused on meeting the needs of common Kenyans (wananchi) while side stepping her husband's view on the matter. Some Kenya news YouTube videos at KTN (some men threatened beatings), CitizenTV (press conference) and KTNa (women debating merits).

I do believe its quite an effective method albeit a bit unorthodox. Married women have used the power of sex since time immemorial, in fact the Bible (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) instructs BOTH spouses NOT to deny each other sex unless it was for prayer. Soap box for a second - God intended sex for pleasure not just procreation otherwise there would have been thousands of babies born to each woman - you better believe those biblical men took their sex seriously! I am a music/youth pastor's wife and have been in/around Christian ministry for more than a decade - Christians have quite an appetite for such matters. I will be scouring Kenyan news online for updates.

Despite my amusement and secret solidarity with these women on political reform, I do not encourage using sex as a weapon in marriage. We've all had the "headache" that lasted for days, weeks or months because we were ticked off at our hubbies. However, it takes two to tango and if the shoe's on the other side, we'd hate to be begging for some loving. Marital experts do agree that couples should reach mutual agreements regarding their sex life to avoid serious complications and excuses for misbehavior. On this Kenyan women debate, I plead the 5th because I'm rooting for the women - here's to hearing my husband's opinion on the matter!

Millenials Relationships Influenced by the Obamas

2009-02-18T12:36:00.005-05:00

I just read this story on Newsweek on how millenials are influenced by President & Mrs. Obama's marriage. It's no secret that I'm an Obama fan but I've tried to stay off the bandwagon on posting stories featuring them. However, marriage education is my cup of tea and this story has some great insights for couples in their 20's otherwise now called millenial relationships.

To be fair - I do believe former President Bush (43) and Laura have a great marriage too. However, the Obama's present a generational shift in how we Gen X'rs and millenials view marriage relationships. Andrew Romano, the Newsweek article author notes the younger generation is much more cautious towards marriage and are marrying later but also want to avoid the divorce options they saw their parents take.

My plug - that's why I so strongly believe in relationship education during dating, engagement and marriage. The programs I use help couples identify areas they are currently struggling with and others they might struggle with in their first year of marriage - it really is a pre-emptive strike against nasty surprises. I strongly encourage couples to participate in any sort of relationship education program easily available online, in churches and often offered by marriage educators and therapists. Okay, off my soap box:)

Great points made in the article: President Obama is not afraid to show being vulnerable towards his wife in public, they share easy banter and flirtious behavior with each other. I watched several interviews they did together and I kept rewinding because they don't censor their attraction to each other - a rarity in public officials. An observable characteristic of our generation is authenticity and I believe that's what the Newsweek article was trying to say about our view of the Obama marriage relationship. It does not feel fake or forced, they interract in language that we identify with and it doesn't always feature the endless adoring gaze. Nothing wrong with the gaze but we like seeing realness and occasional flushes of emotion and other expressions.

He noted a sense of equality or egalitarianism in the marriage - I believe most current marriages are that but I beg for caution. I often tell engaged couples, their relationships will never be 50/50 - that's a misnoma. Some days its 80/20, 40/60 or 0/100 - you don't walk out, you work and wait it out. My version of equality in marriage is not necessarily having similar roles but having equal input and say in decision making. I believe in sharing of responsibilities which is what most Gen Xers and millenials have embraced. My husband often does non-traditional African male stuff like laundry and washing dishes, I've taken the car for oil changes when he was working and I'll take the trash out without feeling slighted. I just realized we celebrated our 13th year of a Valentines day since we first met in the 90's! Flexibility works wonders too - expectations should not be set in stone especially if they turn out to erroneous.

I do believe and research has shown that couples marrying at or after age 25 have stronger chances of avoiding divorce due to maturity, independence, professional growth and financial ability. I don't encourage girls to leave their father's house to run to a husband's house, living alone for awhile is priceless! Learning individual responsibilities & independence helps each partner become a productive member in the future marriage. The strongest research shows couples who attend relationship education classes before their marriage report the highest rates of marital satisfaction in their early years of marriage. So read the article and feel free to share your comments with me.

Alright - I'm going back to actively waiting for labor, I'm due with our second son in 2 days. Thanks for reading this post, have a great week.

Happy New 2009!

2009-01-31T23:14:00.008-05:00

Its been awhile since I wrote the last blog - we've been rather busy. I had my graduation ceremony on December 14th after completing the graduate program back in June. We also had several gigs with our Positively Africa band and rehearsals are in full swing for the studio CD recording. I enjoyed my passion of working with couples over the holidays doing premarital education. I never cease to be amazed at how the program affects a couple's relationship by improving their communication and conflict resolution skills.

The next chapter of my personal life is about to unfold in a couple of weeks when our second son is born. I thank God my pregnancy has been drama free - it of course includes the occasional "any time" sickness and regular aches and pains. I will be posting a few items on how having siblings affects the couple's relationship. My husband has been truly patient and forbearing as usual - God bless him! This time I battled prenatal blues that I didn't experience with my first son and so that was a bit of a challenge for us. The interesting thing about my hormonal moods is that I take it out on others outside the home, I'm always nicer to my husband and just clam up with folks outside our house. I do try to warn him when I'm out of it and that way he's aware incase I am grouchy.

This year we'll be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary and our 13th year together since we started dating back in 1996. Our older son is enjoying preschool and is an extremely self-assured 3 year old! Its makes me proud and sad at the same time to see him losing some of his babish ways. He is going through a phase of proclaiming his love for us and I wish I could capture that in a time capsule for when he turns older and doesn't want to say the words out loud :) I enjoy watching him play with my husband - his favorite game is tag, he gets to run around the house chasing daddy. He listens and talks to the baby in my womb, he's always asking if I'm doing okay. He's been telling total strangers he's getting a baby brother in February, so maybe that eases my anxiety about sibling rivalry. I'll still take him to the hospitals sibling class to help him adjust.

I wanted to post something since I might be busier in 3 weeks adjusting to baby #2 while pursuing our other personal and professional ventures. I am also busy updating the website and hope to publish the new one in a couple of weeks. There are tons of new and interesting relationship tidbits and resources that I'd like to add. Wish you all a great February and a memorable Valentine's day loving yourself first.

Honeymoon Expectations

2008-11-11T11:05:00.002-05:00

The best part of planning a wedding is planning the honeymoon. Wedding planning is stressful; some couples fantasize of dropping vendors, family and friends and eloping to a honeymoon suite miles away from home. This is why I love the discussions I have with engaged couples during my honeymoon 101 class sessions.

What Makes A Great Honeymoon Experience?

As a couple, you need to discuss what you expect from your honeymoon as far as your relationship is concerned. If you already have concerns about your partner’s red flag issues, a honeymoon will not solve your problem. You need to tackle those issues preferably through premarital counseling before the wedding. The key is having realistic expectations and not expecting your spouse to transform during your honeymoon.

What Does Premarital Counseling Have To Do With Honeymoon Expectations?

Most couples would do not place premarital counseling and honeymoon sex in the same sentence. Yet in reality, couples that attend a marriage preparation class are more likely to enjoy their honeymoon and their first year of marriage. A study listed in the September 2006 Journal of Family Psychology, shows couples that attend premarital education classes increase in their first year marital satisfaction and lower their divorce chances by 31%! Premarital counseling enables you to discuss realistic marriage expectations including honeymoon sex.

What’s The Big Deal About Honeymoon Sex Expectations?

The truth of the matter is first time you have sex after your wedding, will be your first time as a married couple. You want it to be a pleasant and special experience. Some couples have sex on the wedding night while others wait for the honeymoon due to exhaustion. You need to communicate with each other – you will recall your first married sex experience for the rest of your life. Make it special by outlining your dreams and expectations. Do you prefer sight-seeing excursions, lounging by the pool/beach or spending time in your suite making love?

What About Wedding Drama And Other Issues?

One of my favorite websites on this issue is The First Dance - they have incredible information on dealing with wedding stress and I actually offer their class to engaged couples here in South Florida. Chances are something didn’t quite go as planned during the wedding – it happened to me. You need to make a conscious choice not to rehash it to your spouse. Don’t let your family, friends or wedding vendors ruin your long awaited honeymoon. You can handle whatever went wrong when you get back. Spend your honeymoon focused on your spouse and your new life together – you will have weeks and months to talk about wedding drama. Choose to enjoy your honeymoon and write a short journal your expectations for your first year of marriage. Written dreams materialize faster than fantasized thoughts.

Juggling Marriage, Career & Toddlers

2008-06-30T15:59:00.007-04:00

I am so thrilled to be done with graduate school! The one person I owe the greatest debt of gratitude is my husband. He has supported me every inch of the way including juggling our schedules to make sure our toddler son was taken care of. As most parents will share, daycare costs are astronomical - my husband and I opted to shuttle our son between us and for that I am eternally grateful. I had a healthy dose of being a stay at home mom in the daytime with grad school at night. When my mental health/marriage & family therapy internship came about- we had to reconfigure schedules again. We probably have a good definition of flexibility in roles and life transitions :)

I went back to graduate school when our son was 2.5 months old because I had to - long story. Since I am a die hard believer in nursing, that presented some issues for my poor hubby including panic when the baby finished all his bottled milk :) He became an expert diaper changer, his way of playing with the baby was rougher than I - yet our son loved it! The greatest lesson I learned was that, I was not an expert in caring for my son and therefore my husband needed to find his own way without my constant criticism. We are different and our son thrived because of that difference. He is a healthy, extremely verbal, active and funny 2.8 year old boy. He started 2 days of preschool 3 weeks ago right in the middle of my final class projects and loved it! My story is not unique by any means, there are other women who can share about supportive husbands who helped them achieve their dream. I'm just glad to be able to write about it and give my hubby public props.

Were there times of tension and conflict over all my roles as a wife, mother, grad student, mental health intern? Yes! We had verbal disagreements, ignored taps on the shoulder in the middle of the night, silent treatment mostly from me and then we figured we'd better smarten up. By the second year of grad school in 2007 - I began wondering how other young couples were coping with juggling marriage, careers and babies. This is the reason why my website http://www.earlyfamilyyears.org/ was born. I was determined to help young couples make it during their early years of marriage when life goes insane with shifting roles. I talked to stable married friends and older couples who had faced similar circumstances and also searched the web and a couple of good books. The main advice was having an attitude of "stick-to-itiveness".

Our story is not unique, lots of couples deal with worse trying times. There's no perfect way to deal with juggling marriage, careers, babies and life changes - keeping your communication line open and choosing to stay together through thick and thin works. The secret seems to lie in having a die-hard committment to stick together and make it together. My point today was to give my husband public props for being the coolest level headed, secure hubby ever!

Obama's Speech on Father's Day

2008-06-15T22:30:00.012-04:00

Happy Father's Day to all those dads taking good care of their families! I just read a text of Barack Obama's father's day speech at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago and loved it. I'm glad he was bold enough to hit the nail on the head during a presidential season when he should be 'watching his words'. Common sense and not political correctness, tells us that present/involved dads play a great role in shaping a child's life. Its amazing to see our son respond to my husband's voice. He knows there's a dad in the house who loves him and won't let him get away with acting a fool. I feel incredibly blessed to be watching the boy he is becoming as a result of a loving, playful, firm, present dad. Obama is right - dads are key to breaking the cycle of poverty, broken families and demanding the best from their children.

My husband, my big brother Joe and my uncles are all great dads who shaped my view of men and taught me there are some good responsible men in the world. So kudo's to great dads out there taking care of business! My father decided not to be a part of our family and we grew up with my single mom in Nairobi. My greatest blessings included my uncles who stepped in as male authority figures and models. Their involvement in our lives exemplified the family ties often present in African families. They were heavily involved during my wedding negotiations with my husband's family. In Kamba tradition (my tribe, my hubby's is Luo) there are several negotiation meetings to determine if the man deserves to marry their girl/daughter. My uncles definitely put my husband through the wringer, he thought long and hard about the promises he made to them that he would take care of me. I'll write about that in the near future. Back to great dad's .....

The National Fatherhood Initiative has some great resources on for men committed to being present dads. The Father's Forum online is another great site I came across with good tips for first time fathers written by men. I learned early that my husband was more likely to listen to advice that was 'guyspeak'. The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative has some great information on building strong marriages & families in the black community. Another great resource is the Christian parenting website of Focus on the Family. In conclusion, be a present and involved dad - your kids will thank you for the rest of their lives. As Obama said "I resolved many years ago that it was my obligation to break the cycle — that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father to my girls," Sasha and Malia are two blessed little girls to have a dad committed to being there for them.

Moment of Truth Show Affects Family Dynamics

2008-06-11T16:15:00.007-04:00

I stumbled on "The Moment of Truth" show on Fox TV back in April before I received a call in May from one of their casting directors in South Florida. Back to the show ... morbid curiosity took over as I watched contestants compete to tell the "truth" for the grand price of $500,000 based on previous polygraphed questions. If their response elicited "That answer is FALSE" - they lost all the money won. The contestants seem to be regular folks, single, married, working class, stay at home moms (SAHM) and upstanding citizens. The juiciest bits come from married contestants who answer to intimate details of their lives. I wondered why they are willing to destroy their families on national TV.

The call from the South Florida casting director was a surprise to me. They googled my marriage preparation classes site and contacted me about announcing their casting in Miami. They were looking for young engaged or married couples to go on the show. The director was polite and I of course said I'd review their emailed information. As I watched episodes afterwards, I could not in good conscience recommend the show to my couples. Telling the "Truth" has a limit - even for Christians. The medical motto "Do No Harm" applies to the mental health field and my legal and ethics class drummed it into our heads. The show relies on "Truth" for ratings based on how much pain the contestant drags their loved ones through sordid disclosures. Contestants admit affairs, job violations (EMT falsified reports), lying to the government, arson, robbery, perversion, and revelations of resentment to unsuspecting family members. Recommending the show to young couples would do more harm than build their young relationships.

Classic advice given to folks admitting a sexual affair is to tell the truth to the wronged spouse without expounding on the details on frequency, locations, positions etc. The wronged spouse might demand details but it does not benefit either of you - it prolongs the pain and gives them a vivid image to associate with your betrayal. Michele Weiner-Davis has some incredible articles on her website on divorce busting concerning infidelity.

Spilling the beans on national TV does not make you a hero. If anything, I think "Moment of Truth" justifies its existence by making contestants seem slimy for hurting their loved ones on TV. By the time they win $100,000, the body language of the spouse or significant other often indicates rejection and shock. Some marriages end, relationships break up and contestants risk losing their jobs based on their disclosures. The show makes for good TV and bad family dynamics.

Building a healthy relationship requires honesty and truth layered in loads of love. The world does not need to know sordid details of your personal life - if anything people respect you less. Lesson here: if you are a young engaged or married couple, think carefully before jumping into the reality show biz for a bit of money to start your family. The experience might leave you with nothing including your loved one who you wanted to build a future with. If you have sordid details to disclose chose carefully who to share them with. Remember that details are best when brief and edited, timing is essential and your motivation should be to build the relationship and not just purge your sin or guilt.

Maintaining Strong Marriages In A Different Culture

2008-05-31T19:31:00.009-04:00

Transitioning to living in a new culture is often difficult enough for anyone. However, for married couples it doubles the stress of acculturation due to shifting roles. My friends and I have been discussing how to keep our marriages strong while living in a different culture. Displaced African had an excellent point about collectivist cultures where marriage means being married to the family as well not just the individual spouse.

I learned marriage was a communal affair when observing my extended family at home. In the Kamba tradition (Kenya) the girl 'lost' her bed in her parents home and was no longer expected to spend the night if she had a fight with her husband. I remember family members encouraging fighting spouses to work it out and everyone got involved in keeping the marriage strong. Sadly, that communal support is hard to find living here in the US or other developed nations that are moving away from traditional marriages. As a married woman and a marriage therapist in training - I've learned a few things.

Research shows that couples who stick it out when they feel unhappy in their marriage will often change their tune within 5 years. I know this goes against radical feminist ideas on 'individual rights to happiness'. The right to happiness is highly overrated when it trumps the long-term health of your children and the family unit. I know it sounds dark agish but hear me out. I'm an educated woman, but my education and life experience have taught me that love relationships are all about compromise and as the Bible puts it "putting others welfare above our own". Marriage is NOT a 50/50 affair, its switches to 90/10, 30/70 depending on the situation. One spouse gets sick, the other has to do double duty, one gets laid of, the other has to work harder etc.

It's difficult to make it in America on one income. One struggle my friends and I identified is the dual-earner role that most couples assume due to college bills, childcare and healthcare costs etc. Some husbands do not realize they are no longer in their home countries where nannies were easily affordable. Husbands need to realize the wife is just as tired when she gets home from work and offer to help bathe the kids, prepare dinner, do the dishes, pack lunches etc. If you want to score in the bedroom - it begins in the kitchen. Wives will not be sexually inclined when they are thoroughly exhausted and feel the husband does not acknowlege their efforts at home. A recent study showed men who performed housework often had more sex - there's one for ya! Happy wives make happy homes!

The wife also needs to realize the additional pressure her husband is experiencing. Chances are his qualifications and education back at home are not being recognized as a new immigrant here. Providing financially is a man's badge honor, help him by not nagging him over working several jobs in the meantime. Male egos are really fragile - surprise, surprise! That macho African man (any man) is putty when you question his ability to provide for the family and insinuate he is not man enough. Be tenderhearted and encouraging and do not try to usurp him or compare him to other more established men. In Biblical homes men are the head of the home. Hold on - remember wives are the neck - and we know the head goes where the neck turns!

Find legal ways to provide an additional income and you'll be surprised at the information available from your local chamber of commerce and local non-profit family agencies. A good source of direction is your local library, a United Way website and churches among others. In the meantime, remember to keep your marriage strong, don't give up because of transitioning stress - it will make you stronger as a family. Call your parents and family back home and ask for emotional and prayer support. We might not live in community here as we did at home but we have the internet, the phone, church and often great neighbours. There's help, don't let your marriage tank.

Technorati

2008-05-06T21:14:00.001-04:00

Technorati Profile

Noggin: Little Bear Show - "Panties" Comment

2008-05-02T10:41:00.005-04:00

I sometimes let my preschooler son watch the channel "Noggin" while I do my class work or counseling prep. Before we start the "TV, no TV argument" hear me out! Most parents of preschoolers will tell you its godsend and educational! Not to mention the incredible "Little Bill" cartoon show from Bill Cosby - my son adores it. I'd cut his hair the other day - and he totally resembled Little Bill!

Today's story though is about another good show "Little Bear". It's about the adventures of a little bear cub and his friends. My son watches it every couple of days. The other evening my husband was watching the show with him and can you believe it - the little bears were teasing a little girl that they could "see her panties" WHAT??!! My husband is the most easy going guy but he was mad! I didn't understand why the director believed it was okay to leave that content in the show. So I wrote the show online to protest.

I'm not usually up in arms but off late, I've been bitten by some parental bug. I'm waiting for the Noggin guys to respond. I was polite - I just stated I was disappointed with the "Panties" episode. If they are teaching kids about bullying or teasing, they can use other statements. I'm antsy about introducing "panty" conversations to preschoolers. I however, do believe we should tell our kids about appropriate touch and why no one is allowed to touch their genitals. The show however was not about that - it was about teasing/bullying which is good - I just disagreed with the "panties" conversation. I'm beginning to sound more conservative each day - blame it on the parental bug! At least we are trying to screen shows.

For folks arguing "no TV" good for you, really. I'm know your argument is strong and backed by research, I have reviewed most of it. For some of us, some shows and DVDs (Veggie Tales, Hermie & Friends etc) are a great break. Noggin, as I said is an incredible channel that shows awesome educational kids shows - so I will continue to keep an eye on what my son watches - and applaud or complain as necessary.

Expelled - The Movie on Intelligent Design

2008-04-24T10:01:00.007-04:00

My husband is a music and youth minister. This past Sunday our youth group went to see the movie "Expelled - No Intelligence Allowed". We were really concerned the kids would get bored because of the documentary style but they enjoyed it! The premise of the movie is about the struggle between evolution theorists and the intelligent design movement.

"Expelled" is an incredible movie - I highly recommend it to anyone who values critical thinking and especially high school kids and college freshmen. Education is supposed to foster diversity of thought - it is mind boggling that scientists who talk about intelligent design are ostracized by the academic community and their fellow scientists. What happened to encouraging liberal critical thought? Where's ACLU on giving this scientists their rights to talk about intelligent design without being fired? Universities featured in the movie either fired or silenced the activities of their professors who questioned evolution or talked about intelligent design. The end of the movie is the most incredible part - it ties the whole evolution theory to worldviews such as naturalism and nihilism, the push for euthanasia and other cultures of death. The danger with evolutionary thought and the death culture, is that life is meaningless unless you are a perfect human specimen. It brings up the issue of 'Eugenics' which drives me nuts because it was invented to get rid of "lower" races and undesirables - the disabled, maimed, in today's world folks in a coma, unwanted unborn babies, senior citizens whose "quality of life" is lower etc. I've got a problem with that. I don't mind my son learning about the evolution theory, I want him to learn other theories and possibilities concerning the origin of life. I personally believe in intelligent design and the creation story - surprise, surprise!

I grew up in Africa and got offended at the implication that I descended from a monkey in biology classes. Granted, Kenya is a treasure mine for anthropologists and archeologists given all the fossils found in various locations and gorges. I wasn't even a Christian but I knew something was wrong with the monkey idea. In high school, we were taught both the evolution THEORY and creation stories including traditional tribal explanations for the beginning of man. We had a well rounded education system that allowed our minds to wander and explore various origin possibilities. That is what I find so infuriating about the education agenda in public high schools here. The movie EXPELLED, said it all - NO INTELLIGENCE ALLOWED. Here's where my confusion comes from - I thought being a scholar and a post-modern thinker means you consider others views not just your own. Most public campuses allow all sorts thought processes and 'liberalism' - as long as you don't mention "Intelligent Design". How restricting is that? I attended a research based university in Texas and my professors were die hard evolutionists. It drove me insane that they were so dogmatic without considering other possibilities.

The atheist professors interviewed in "Expelled" could not state how life began, one had the audacity to say "life began on the back of crystals" - WHAT? The other one who wrote a book on the 'God Delusion' could NOT say he was 100% certain about the lack of intelligent design! Allow kids and adults to think for themselves don't stifle ideas and diversity of thought. Go out and see "Expelled", Ben Stein did an incredible job interviewing scientists and visiting locations around the world. IT TAKES MORE FAITH TO BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION THAN SEEING A PATTERN OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN IN THE UNIVERSE.

Breakthrough In Kenya

2008-03-03T14:00:00.003-05:00

Our friends James & Chao work with families in Kenya providing marriage education, counseling and family services. They send this encouraging email today Monday March 3, 2008 and I had to share it with everyone.

Friends,

For about two months now, you have stood with us in prayer and especially for our nation Kenya. Many of you have cried with us as we have watched our nation go up in flames. You have wondered with us about the fate of our nation and specifically, our personal safety. Some of you opened your homes for us, should there be need. We cannot begin to tell you how much we thank the Lord for you. For the nights we would go to bed with our passports and some extra cash tucked under our pillows. The many times we would wake up in the middle of the night wondering … The days we would leave the house and less than an hour later we would be right back because we were asked to stay in our homes – those are the times when the only voice we had was to ask God to remind someone to pray for us. The Lord answered our prayers, because time and time again, His peace would return and our weariness would be gone.
From the bottom of our hearts, we say THANK YOU!

This last Thursday, under the leadership of Kofi Annan (former United Nations General Secretary), our president and the opposition leader together addressed our nation. Many of us were glued onto the television, as we waited to hear from the two leaders who have pretty much held the country ransom since December 29th last year. Tears flowed freely as we heard the opposition leader addressing the president as, “your Excellency the president”, for the FIRST time since the disputed election results on December 29th, 2007. We watched as different parts of our nation broke out into shouts of joy, jubilation and relief. People took to the streets, this time instead of machetes and fire bombs; they held twigs and waved their hands and clothes as they ran.

Today, Sunday, at our church, we had several members return to church after being absent for the two months. Most of them are of a different tribe from the majority church members. One of them, a key opposition politician and one who appeared on TV several times threatening the government with mass actions, come back and we all shook hands and hugged freely. This weekend, for the first time in two months, the highways are jammed with vehicles as people travel freely from one province to another. While we normally would be upset that there is traffic, this time we are asking, “bring it on Lord”!We thank you for your prayers. We thank the Lord for hearing and answering according to our requests.

The task ahead is greater. That is why we ask you to stay on your knees and continue praying for us, and for our nation Kenya. The political agreement is in paper, the test comes when we begin to implement the coalition arrangement. If you have kept up with the news about many African countries, we are terrible at following through with the agreements we make. A key example is Sudan. But we ask the Lord to have mercy on us and actually allow us to be an example to the rest of Africa. Lord, hear us!

With the political agreement, our work with the internally displaced Kenyans becomes easier – psychologically, and challenging physically. As a church, we have moved to the phase of helping the displaced resettle. Many of you have given toward this and the work continues and actually picks up beginning next week. The challenge we have had is that many of the displaced, especially from the majority tribe, did not have a place to settle back to. We are buying iron-sheets (for semi-permanent homes), paying to transport the displaced to the different destinations, and in some cases, give two-months rent for those who will not build but rent. We have also been buying school uniform, school bags, school books, and other stationery, to help the children go back to school. With the political agreement, the work to relocate them and get them back to “normalcy” becomes a priority.

We ask you to also continue to pray for the healing of the people of Kenya. The wounds we inflicted on each other are deep and we certainly know that the Lord is able to heal – we are also aware that in many occasions, we also leave the healing to time. The people of Kenya should have the opportunity to grieve and as long as we are headed for the right direction, we ask for GRACE to bear one with another. Many marriages have been wounded and many completely broken. Since we work with marriages, we see homes that have been broken, children being split from one parent because it is “safe” if the parents live separately. Continue praying for the children whose parents have not been found. The Kenya Red Cross has done a commendable job of helping unite families that were separated as they ran to separate directions when violence erupted.

Pray for us as we brace very high prices for basic needs. Your average Kenyan cannot afford to eat meat, even once a week. We are actually getting used to greens and more greens and when we have the opportunity to eat meat, we bless the Lord! Gas prices have gone up and some pack their vehicles at their driveways and take public transport.

We bless the Lord and we look to Him as we seek for His mercy during these times. May the Lord and His purposes REIGN in and with the people of Kenya.

In Him who has kept us,
James & Chao Wanje
wanjes@lmkenya.org

To Donate towards their work with families in Kenya, please write to:

James & Chao Wanje #2790657
Campus Crusade for Christ International
PO Box 628222
Orlando, FL 32862-9841

Are Kenyan Pastors Silent?

2008-02-08T18:27:00.002-05:00

Where are the Kenyan Christian Leaders & Pastors?

I searched the web looking for links on statements from Kenyan pastors and Christian leaders and could find little to none. I’m I imagining it, or do powerful Kenyan Pastors seem silent on the violence? I visited http://www.kenyagospel.com/ looking for posts by pastors and found nothing. It is the ordinary Kenyan Christians and gospel singers reaching out to the community. Where are Kenyan pastors and ministry leaders?

I could be overreacting – in which case I’ll be glad to be proven wrong. I hope the silence means they are too busy helping Kenyans cope that they don’t have the time to put out statements. I pray they are actively engaged in counseling victims, pointing people towards resources (see my previous blog on “Coping with the emotional stress of election riots"), providing spiritual counsel and also taking care of their own families. I acknowledge it’s easy for me to write this being so far from home. I just want to point folks towards helpful information on the ground including spiritual comfort but can’t find any information.

My greatest concern is whether Christian leaders are taking on tribal sides at the expense of peace and healing. God demands that we are Christians first before anything else – any other title in our lives – wives, husbands, mothers, single adults, workers or leaders. Our highest loyalty belongs to God who commands us to love our fellow brothers – luo, kikuyu, kalenjin, kamba, luhya, kisii, taita, turkana etc without regard!!! The standard is still set high for Kenyan pastors and Ministry leaders – they cannot be a part of the problem through being silent or inflammatory comments.

So I along with other Kenyans need the pastors who have enjoyed the prestige of serving the body of Christ to take a godly stand, speak against the devil's plans for Kenya and mobilize their members to help at the camps!

Do I come across frustrated? It’s because I am – I love how we Kenyans have had fervor for God and serving others all these years. The world is looking – not to see outside Christian organizations take the lead but to see the KENYAN CHURCH stand up and do something! I am aware the leaders are targets because of their tribal affiliations but God’s word requires us to be bold and strong in Him – not cowering in fear. Please speak up Pastors – put out statements on what your organization, church and ministry is doing to help fellow Kenyans. Point wananchi towards any resources your church or ministry is providing. God has put you in church leadership for such a time as this!!!

Please feel free to agree or disagree with any of my posts - lets dialogue about the solution. Post a comment below!

Stress of Violence in Kenya

2008-02-01T00:15:00.001-05:00

Coping with the Emotional Stress of Election Riots in Kenya

First things first, here are some helpful links:

1. The Kenya Red Cross – Donate Online
http://www.kenyaredcross.org/

2. Mama Mikes – Donate food and essential vouchers to displaced Kenyans
http://www.mamamike.com/

3. Sambazanow – Donate cell phone airtime
http://www.sambazanow.com/

4. Save Kenya Now – List of urgently needed items and how to donate
http://www.saveourkenya.com/

5. Standard Newspaper – Latest information from Kenyan newspaper
http://www.eastandard.net/

6. Ushahidi – Documented incidents and how to help
http://www.ushahidi.com/

7. Rape Crisis Centers – Help stop additional violence against Kenyan women and girls
http://www.irinnews.org/report.aspx?ReportId=76068 www.urgentactionfund.org/new_site/assets/files/grantmaking%20forms/Urgent%20Call.pdf

2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Psalm 34:18

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (NIV).

We are all deeply saddened and shocked at the violence that has claimed over 800 lives since the Kenyan elections on December 27th last year. What most people are not acknowledging is the emotional toll of the riots and violence.

Children who know about the violence

1. Limit their exposure to television news and gory details of what is happening. Depending on age, younger children who are under 7 years might believe the events are currently occurring when allowed to watch TV rebroadcasts.
2. Reassure them that you will do your best to protect them. Children need a protective barrier around them during a crisis to lessen their stress and trauma.
3. Your children might start being overly clingy and begging you not to leave them at home. Do not punish them for expressing fear or neediness; reassure them when you leave for work, you will come back in the evening.
4. Children over 7 years have some understanding of the protests and are frightened of becoming victims – reassure them that you will protect them as best as you can.
5. They will likely exhibit sleeping problems, increased wandering at night and probably experience nightmares depending on exposure to violence.
6. Keep their play, bedtime and feeding routines constant – it will create a sense of security and help them transition easier.
7. If your day center, nursery school or regular school has opened, let your child attend after you gauge the safety.
8. Do not be lax in your discipline – let your children know you still expect them to behave and do the right thing. You are in charge, they don’t have to be the adult.
9. Let them know you love them and understand how they are feeling but maintain a firm parental role. Hug them as much as possible – a loving touch heals.

Children experiencing direct violence

These children have suffered violence and have witnessed their loved ones being beaten, murdered, or their homes burned.

1. If you can get through on the phone lines, call the Kenya Red Cross or a local church or other worship facility offering professional or lay trained counselors.
2. Get the children to a safe house and away from the violence. If you are a grandfather or relative of a child who has witnessed the violence, you should be the first one to volunteer a safe place for them.
3. If the children are missing a guardian due to the violence or have been abandoned, please point them towards the nearest police station or notify the local broadcast stations to announce where a safe house is located.
4. Do not abandon the children, try to locate the nearest camp offering food and shelter – Kenya Red Cross can help.
5. Open the local phone directory and call some orphanages in the city centers and non-governmental organizations willing to help.
6. Take the children to a medical centre if they are physically wounded then take them to a local safe place.
7. If the hospitals are overwhelmed, please be willing to wait or consider going to the local clinic or dispensary.
8. The children will not talk about what they saw at first, they are probably in shock – give them a chance to process, they’ll let you know when they are ready to talk.
9. The immediate needs will be food, shelter, medicine and clothes – then psychological help.

Taking Care of Yourself

1. If you feel a need to cry, please cry and do not try to justify your reason. We are wired to express a variety of emotions through our tears and yes, men do cry. Give yourself the permission to let your grief, anger, disappointment and exhaustion out.
2. You might feel an obsessive need to keep talking about the events, that’s normal as well. Talking about it wears down its power over you.
3. Limit the amount of time you spend watching, listening or reading news. Give yourself a break to focus on your family and immediate surrounding. Your mind and heart need a break from the constant barrage of negative news.
4. Your sleeping habits might be interrupted and you might lose interest in being intimate with your spouse. This is expected as your body responds to the stress in your mind and emotions. Just as with the children, keep your bedtime routine if possible. Establish a boundary where you create a peaceful haven, pray, play praise music, sit quietly, or read an uplifting book.
5. Your appetite might lessen or increase as your body kicks into the flight or fight mode. You will notice an increased desire to eat carbohydrates, our bodies’ preferred source of energy. Regulate yourself to make sure you are nourished well without overeating. Hunger will make your emotions more exaggerated and overeating will add a myriad of other feelings.
6. You might notice an increased suspicion towards your neighbors or friends from other tribes. This is the saddest development from the riots. Acknowledge your feelings and consciously make a choice to act in a loving manner towards them. In a time of heated emotions, your heart will need a nudge through programming your mind to behave courteously. Do not throw away friendships and lifetime relationships.
7. If you are in an intertribal marriage like myself, acknowledge the comfort or discomfort arising from your fresh awareness. If possible acknowledge it to your spouse and remind yourself why you love them and chose them to be your life mate. If the emotions are too raw for you at the moment, there’s no need to rush the healing. Take your time and remember your spouse is part of your inner circle not outside it – heal together.
8. Pray – Whether you are religious or not, acknowledging God’s ability to heal will give you a semblance of peace.
9. It is perfectly normal to be angry with God and to want to blame Him for the trouble. Express that to Him and get it out of your system, He is big enough to handle it.
10. There are numerous churches and pastors available to help. Whichever religion you practice, reach out and talk to a trusted spiritual leader. We are body, soul and spirit – keep yourself physically safe, emotionally stable and spiritually connected to cope with the stress.
11. Realize that you might begin experiencing depression and/or post-traumatic stress disorder months after January, 2008. It is not a sign of weakness to admit feeling depressed. It is not a sin and does not mean you are ‘crazy’ or losing your mind. Depression has many sources, some are emotional, spiritual, biological (diet) and others are due to chemical imbalances in the brain.
12. Christians should seek help for depression. Apostle Paul experienced it after being shipwrecked and most of us consider him a pioneer in Christianity. Seeking help will prevent your situation from lapsing into a worse disorder.
13. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) will need professional counseling – open the phone book and call local counseling centers when offices open up. Realize that part of the treatment might include prescribed medication. Just as our bodies get sick and need medical help, our minds get sick through chemical imbalances and need medicine to restore serotonin levels. Some depression can alleviate through competent counseling, change of diet, prayer and a good support group. Get help.
14. Serve others – concentrating on others will help you cope with your own stress.
a. Offer to go to the store and buy milk and bread for your neighbor,
b. Cook a meal and offer the children who might be lost and wandering through your neighborhood.
c. Visit single parents and elders who might be alone and overwhelmed.
d. Buy and donate phone card minutes to friends or families in need.
e. Offer your cell phone to a stranger who frantically needs to call his family.
Service will bless you more than those receiving it. It will increase your feel good hormones and help restore your hope in tomorrow.
15. Keep your hope and faith alive – this too shall pass. It is a season and a phase in time, it will not last forever.

Counselors

1. If there are counselors in Nairobi who are either professional, lay trained, church trained or have a heart to help the wounded, please call organizations, churches and relief agencies that need counselors or volunteers.
2. Please be aware most people will be expressing a need for more practical help than psychological help. They might ask you to help with food, medicine, shelter or clothes.
3. Inform yourself of the closest organizations providing emergency supplies. If no one has reached your town yet, get on your cell phone and make some noise for the sake of the people.
4. Call organizations directly – call the Nation or the Standard paper and ask for media help.
5. Take care of yourself as you counsel and help others. Recognize your own signs of exhaustion and avoid becoming a victim. Consult with other counselors and care providers.

About the Author

I am a born-again Christian woman who believes God will restore our broken places and heal our beautiful country Kenya. Secondly I am married to an amazing jazz guitarist & worship pastor and a mother to the funniest 2-year-old boy. I am in my final semester of a Masters program in counseling psychology (mental health and marriage/family therapy). I am a certified premarital/marriage education provider and a Church counselor. I have a passionate love for God and helping people find healing in all areas of life. Last and not least, I am a proud Kenyan still thanking God for my heritage despite the sad turn of events. I believe all things are possible with God and Kenya’s greatest days lay ahead – Amen.

© 2008 Julia N. Sanna

If you quote any part of this article, please give due credit to the author, Julia Sanna. For more information email jnguli@hotmail.com and visit http://www.earlyfamilyyears.org/.

Your Culture Influences Your Relationship

2007-12-29T12:40:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting trying to blog about how culture influences our relationships but my mind is distracted from searching blogs and news sites on elections results in Kenya (occured Dec 27). Our families are there and so we are naturally praying for calm as the electoral commission drags its feet on announcing results. God has been so good to Kenya and we want to keep it that way - peaceful.

Hence my thoughts on how culture influences our relationships. I choose to define culture in this context as the behaviors and beliefs that define a certain ethnic, social, or age group. Most people think culture means racial or ethnic identity, we'll work with whatever works for you. My advice is to embrace the positive parts of your culture and make them work in your relationship.

It's a good idea to shelf the negative - an example is an old tradition in my tribe that allows for women to aqcuire a younger woman for their husbands when they get older. I'm not going to do that - I do not like sharing my hubby and its not Biblical. Yeah, I know the dicey stories of concubines in the Bible - Old Testament - I'll be quick to add. So no acquiring anyone for my hubby thank you! Hence my point on shelving the negative parts of your culture and keeping the positive. My positive cultural borrowing would be a strong respect and concern for the elderly, a strong committment to marriage, strong communal support for family structures and basically being there for each other through thick and thin. Weight or no weight gain :)

I really love the family of origin section in the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory that I give to engaged couples for premarital education. I love reviewing their family histories and alerting them to issues that will influence their first year of marriage. Our families define the culture we grow up in - culture also means the customs acquired through being a member of your family. If your dad golfs on Saturdays, chances are you hate it or you've accepted it. When your new hubby decides he'll hang out with the guys on Saturdays - that will trigger childhood memories of hating dad's golf or accepting it. If your mom stayed home and provided cooked meals the entire day - a guy might expect that of his new wife. I love stay at home moms so don't write me about that - I've partly stayed home with my son while attending grad school at night :)

In your first year of marriage, you need to be aware of hidden expectations that you'll carry into your relationship based on your family of origin (family culture). The secret lies in deciding to create your own "couple culture". I love that term and would probably trademark it if no one has :) Shelf the negative in your family of origin and create new and positive trends and habits for your new family structure with your spouse. This cool website features videos where you can view answers to issues engaged couples face - Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot answer questions at http://www.realrelationships.com/.

This is one of my big ta da moments in counseling & education. Culture plays the biggest part in how you will relate to your partner. Did your dad handle all the finances? Well, chances are you think your husband will - you need to both decide the best person suited to handle your finances. Did your mom nag your dad incessantly? Did he withdraw and keep quiet to avoid fights? Well, guess what - chances are you do the same or you hate and confront every little thing you disagree with. Being aware is winning half the battle.

Family culture will influence your relationship - You need to be on the offensive and chose your positives to adopt and negatives to dump. I'm aware that interracial and intertribal couples face additional issues but the premise is the same. You choose what culture will define your new family. You can blend cultures, adopt some, dump others or create a new one!

Gotta go for real - have a good weekend and a great new blessed 2008!

From Cohabitation (living together) to Marriage Part 1

2007-09-21T16:39:00.001-04:00

Back to my endless hope for marriage especially among fellow Gen X'ers. Over 90% of Americans will get married at least once in their lifetime despite all the doom and gloom of divorce rates. The business of marriage is booming and for that I'm thrilled!!!

A recent trend in premarital counseling (i'm a church counselor & marriage educator) shows more couples are living together before the wedding day. Its not just non-religious couples living together, some Christian couples are choosing to live together as well. They do not want to experience the horrors of divorce showcased by their parents, they believe it makes financial sense and they are testing sexual compatibility. A longer list of reasons is listed here though in small script. Here are some marriage myths as well - it's marriage friendly :)

Divorce statistics are consistently higher among couples who lived together before marriage. Researchers have listed some reasons here. If possible avoid serial cohabitation - statistics show women suffer the most. If a couple who cohabited before marriage stays married for 7 years, their chances of divorce revert to those of regular couples.

Good news - to give your relationship a great chance at marital satisfaction - consider marriage education, avoid serial cohabitation and pay attention to your spiritual needs as a couple.

Some couples feel premarital counseling means there's something wrong with their relationship. Premarital counseling and premarital education (skills-based instruction) are preventive measures for a relationship and they are worth every dime! Some marriage programs such as PREPARE-ENRICH have a component for couples living together (PREPARE CC) which helps with transitioning to marriage. If you are planning your wedding and are living together, you should definitely consider premarital education! There's always hope for a happy marriage despite unwise decisions.

Post Wedding Withdrawal Syndrome

2007-08-01T19:29:00.001-04:00

So I've been checking out wedding sites and came across a couple of questions on post wedding withdrawal symptom. I experienced it after my own wedding in 2000. After the frenzy associated with planning a wedding, slowing down after the honeymoon can be rather disconcerting - wondering what to do with that diverted energy. A wise friend warned me to be on the lookout for post wedding blues and it really helped.

I'm not sure men experience it except a huge sigh of relief that the madness is over!!! Some common symptoms include still browsing your wedding planner, constant browsing of wedding magazines in the store, endlessly obsessing over what happened during the wedding, feelings of sadness and emptiness without the frenzy of planning, wondering if you are supposed to feel different now that you are married, panicking whether you made a mistake etc. Not all brides experience this but for those who do, it can be a worrying experience. Check back to see my post on how I dealt with it or post your own ideas how you coped.

Smart Marriages Conference 2007

2007-07-12T16:21:00.000-04:00

I attended the 2007 Smart Marriages Conference in Denver, CO and it was incredible! There were over 2,500 people in attendance and most of us were therapists and marriage educators. There is hope for marriage!!! It was very enlightening especially on the resources available for couples who want to stay together. Even couples who'd like to get the 'want to' feeling to stay together, can get help on how to achieve it.

Interesting statistic for all folks skeptical of marriage, 90% of Americans will get married at least once in their lifetime! So if we choose a mate, its a good idea to attend some relationship coaching/education classes and get a one-up on maintaining our relationships. I actually provide some educational info for couples at www.earlyfamilyyears.org

I just had to rant and rave about Smart Marriages (www.smartmarriages.com), those folks are so marriage friendly and didn't bash other community groups either. It was all out effort to strengthen families through strengthening relationships. I've been married for 7 years now, with a toddler, in graduate school, doing marriage education, church counseling and baby tshirts. Any wonder, I needed the conference to recharge my own batteries!